(AP Photo/Toby Talbot)
<National Report>This week, a scientific research facility in Wyoming made a startling discovery that is certain to change the way millions of Americans look at the environmentalism movement, after they found conclusive evidence that solar panels not only convert the sun’s energy into usable energy, but that they are also draining the sun of its own energy, possibly with catastrophic consequences far worse than global warming.
Scientists at the Wyoming Institute of Technology, a privately-owned think tank located in Cheyenne, Wyoming, discovered that energy radiated from the sun isn’t merely captured in solar panels, but that energy is directly physically drawn from the sun by those panels, in a process they refer to as “forced photovoltaic drainage.”
“Put into laymen’s terms, the solar panels capture the sun’s energy, but pull on the sun over time, forcing more energy to be released than the sun is actually producing,” WIT claims in a scientific white paper published on Wednesday. “Imagine a waterfall, dumping water. But you aren’t catching the water in buckets, but rather sucking it in with a vacuum cleaner. Eventually, you’re going to suck in so much water that you drain the river above that waterfall completely.”
WIT is adamant that there’s no immediate danger, however. “Currently, solar panels are an energy niche, and do not pose a serious risk to the sun. But if we converted our grids to solar energy in a big way, with panels on domestic homes and commercial businesses, and paving our parking lots with panels, we’d start seeing very serious problems over time. If every home in the world had solar panels on their roofs, global temperatures would drop by as much as thirty degrees over twenty years, and the sun could die out within three hundred to four hundred years.”
The study was commissioned in August 2011 by the Halliburton corporation, who wanted to learn if the energy giant should start manufacturing and selling solar panels domestically and internationally. Halliburton’s executives wanted to know more about the sustainability of solar energy and how photovoltaic technology might evolve over the next ten years. But based on the findings of WIT’s research in the field, Halliburton revealed on Friday that they will not be entering the solar energy market.
“Solar panels destroying the sun could potentially be the worst man-made climate disaster in the history of the world, and Halliburton will not be taking part in that,” the company stated in a press release issued Friday morning. “It’s obvious, based on the findings of this neutral scientific research group, that humans needs to become more dependent on fossil fuels like oil and coal, not less. Because these so-called `green technologies’ are far more dangerous to the Earth than any hydrofracking operation or deep-water drilling station. What good is clean air when our very sun is no longer functional?”
This is a joke. But it has a purpose. It will be interesting to see how many conservatives accept this as fact.
This is the worst journalism i’ve ever seen in my life. Matt Rock you should be ashamed of yourself, were you paid off to write this garbage or are you really so ignorant that you believe this. Where did you get your degree? A cereal box prize? Oh i should’ve known Halliburton is behind this.
The sun spits out a fixed amount of energy and it will continue to do so for billions of years. We could turn the entire earths surface into solar panel and it would not pull a single joule more energy from the sun than what was received when the dinosaurs were around. The solar panels already in service simply transform energy, in this case from light to electricity. No energy is ever lost(the second law of thermodynamics guarantees this, which you would know if you were more educated than a three year old).
This kind of disinformation is what is wrong with the world and makes me physically sick to my stomach. Ignorance like this should be met with isolation or better yet death.
Max Howeth, you and the many others who have bluntly and vocally discredited this article should be more careful, this is a serious issue. This reminds me of the article I read about the internet draining intelligence while simultaneously boosting arrogance of the average navigator. We really need more studies on these matters! It’s like people don’t even know how cell phones actually cause obtuse observational skills (look up the term “satiricalarticuleyoumorronitus” and check out all the studies done!).
Man, if people don’t wise up, we might lose the sun!
Does the word “Satire” mean anything to you?
Seriously? Are these people smoking crack? Come on…whatever.
When you look up ‘idiots’ in a dictionary there will probably be a group photo of those so-called experts…
Ecxept for that whole “science” thing that says your full of shit.
This is the stupidest pseudo-science I have ever read in my entire life. NO, the sun is NOT being “sucked dry” by solar panels, but rather just catching the energy that is already being produced. The only thing here that has been lost here are my braincells by reading this load of garbage.
I really find it hard to believe that this would drain the sun of it’s solar energy. Call me a conspiracy theorist if you will, but this sounds more like the thinking of the greedy oil companies that want us us to continue to be slaves to their price gouging. Warren Buffet owns a great deal of stock in the gas industry…I’m sure this would greatly diminish his dividend payments.
MORONS, I came to this web site to see what could possibly cause solar panels to drain the suns energy. Then I saw the 2 biggest MORONS pics at the top of the page. These 2 are dumb as a box of rocks and they would really like you to believe this crap.
So Halliburton, a major oil and gas energy producer, got information from a “privately owned think tank” that if we go into clean energy it will destroy and suck dry something as massive as the sun in 400 years? I call bullshit, there is no way we will ever be able to collect as much energy as the sun contains. Halliburton is trying to spearhead the clean energy movement because it won’t make them as much money as oil.
Oh my God!!!!
This headline is absolutely the stupidest thing I’ve heard in quite a while.
The Sun does not care if you hide in a hole, or wrap yourself in a ton of tin foil.
If you coated the entire surface of the earth with solar panels or squirrel skins, it would not matter.
Who exactly are the experts?
Grandmas bridge club attendees?
It should be unlawful to spread such stupidity, the author should be thrown to the ground, tasered and held without bail.
Agreed!
And people who believe this article was serious should be mercilessly mocked….
Only a country that has abandoned the scientific thinking on as wide a scale as the USofA can try to give credence to such crap!
Join me in welcoming Sarah Palin!
So an OIL COMPANY funded a scientific research project as to whether solar power is a good option and people believe this is an unbiased study. LOL Hello Big Brother we are watching you.
Did anyone notice the research was commissioned by Halliburton? THE Halliburton corporation of the oil industry. The industry that would lose the most if we converted to solar energy as our main power source. ‘Nuff said.
Does the word “Satire” mean anything to you? Are you really that stupid?
I contemplated making a shrewdly placed comment about this particular study but then I realized that advice given is NOT to be construed as professional. It’s quite possible I am need of professional help myself. Then I remembered something. I’m under 18. Crap.
Read the article.
Checked the date.. Not April 1st..
Check the website. Not The Onion.
Checked the claims on Google. Known scam.
Rechecked the website. Sarah Palin!
That explains it!!
Is this an elaborate sister site of The Onion’s? Because… come on 🙂 This is funny. Like, comedy gold. Those jokesters at the National Report sure know how to tickle my funny bone. Well done, National Report, way to take a completely ridiculous idea and make it sound almost like real news.
Lol
This obviously isn’t true so was it supposed to be satire? I didn’t laugh at all. The author should read the onion and take notes on how proper news satire is done. There just wasn’t any punchlines. Better luck next time, sir.
It’s satire, you dimwits.
LOL, Halliburton, it’s not April Fool’s.
This is the most fucking retarded article I have ever read. Perhaps if they knew how photovoltaic cells worked, they might understand that a solar panel cannot deplete the sun of its energy. Whoever funds this site and whoever wrote this article should just go STFU!
That’s the kind of natural stupidity no amount of training could ever hope to match.
“The study was commissioned in August 2011 by the Halliburton corporation . . . ”
Hahahahahahahahahaha! I thought this was The Onion but it turns out it’s Halliburton!
A vacuum under a waterfall will have absolutely zero effect on how much water comes down from above . . .
Oh man, just check ‘National Report’s main page and realized it’s satire of The Onion variety – ashamed I fell for it but thankful things haven’t gotten that absurd quite yet . . .
oh my.
what a total load of crap.
That’s the biggest bullshit study I ever read. The government obviously had some extra money to waste. On the other hand oil companies must be behind this.
Looks like an Onion reporter got published on the wrong site. I suppose the next “research” will show that planting additional trees will siphon energy from the sun as well. I suppose we should limit the number of people who listen to a concert in order to prevent pulling too much sound out of the PA system.
Idiocracy like this should be illegal.
Chlorophyll is the basis of natural solar panels that are leaves. Thank God for deforestation. This means that the sun will shine for billions of years after we have all killed ourselves from greed & stupidity.
HAHA well if it were somehow true BS 300 years the sun the entire world doesn’t use that much energy. But if it were true thats interesting so potentially we could use solar panel technology to draw on and drain any light source say a flash light. And if you can effect the energy side of light would it be possible to effect the physical side as well. this is some sweet sci fi we are talking we are talking being able to move things with light. Thanks Halliburton you have stimilated my imagination.
What kind of freakin moron would say, write, or believe this crap? SMH.
I knew it! My neighbor down the road has a number of them there solar panels up on his property. Since he had them there installed I’ve noticed a steady drop in the years’ average temperatures. Glad to have some scientific evidence that I can take over to him tomorrow. Maybe now he’ll listen to me and have them there taken down!
This was the dumbest thing I read all year.
This is a joke right….. You can’t actually think people are stupid enough to believe this. It is physically impossible to take more energy from the sun than it cascades our planet with every second of every day. We have no more ability to drain the suns energy as an ant has the ability to extinguish a forest fire.
I think the funniest part of this whole article are the comments. People!!! Wake up!!!! Smell the sunshine!!! Have any of you considered what would happen if we use too much sunlight to make electricity?? How would people get tanned? How would grass get green? How would I be able to grow pot??
Think about it…if Halliburton says it’s a dangerous situation, then it must be, in fact, dangerous. Halliburton is a company that does dangerous things all the time and they have EXPERTS that do this thing called “risk management”. Basically “danger” is Halliburton’s middle name. Halli Danger Burton. It’s a company we can trust because one of the CEO’s was actually our Vice President. His name is Dick Cheney. I don’t know the name of his heart, however.
I figure if a company can have one of it’s CEO’s become Vice President and get someone else’s heart, and can shoot someone in the face and get away with it, then it must be a pretty damn good company.
all da stupid peoples is draining mi brian..
I haven’t laughed this hard in…… well anyway this has got to be a joke right??!!
You people do realise this is a satirical website…right?
Knowing who paid for this study, I won’t even go into how idiotic this article is. I guess if you can’t beat them, you lie through your ass with some pseudo BS science. Just wait till Bill Nye and Neil DeGrasse Tyson make a comment on this. I’m curling in front of the TV with popcorn in anticipation of the comedic rebuttal about to unfold.
scientifically impossible for this to happen. The sun radiates energy, the solar panels collect it. the law of induction does not apply across millions of miles of space.
This article is a hoax
The same think tank concluded that putting buckets outside to collect rainwater is the cause for shrinking polar ice caps. True story.
You would have to be a real idiot, like Ted Cruz and Sarah Palin, to believe this load of crap. It’s so ridiculously dumb one has to wonder who their target audience is.
Original article must have been published on April 1st. There can be no other explanation for such drivel. Or, the author is a firm believer in creationism.
OMG, what a crock!
What a bunch of full on retards…think tank? More like Stupid Research Institute….
Wow, apparently anyone with an opinion, no matter how far-fetched, is now an “expert.” As if the sun, approximately 150 MILLION kilometers away, even notices what we do here on earth. If you’re such an expert, come up with a measurable way to PROVE your theory.
yeap lets dry niagara waterfall with henry vacum cleaner , same effect if we cover all surface of earth with solar panel . eee actualy hm amount of energy which we CAN catch in earth from sun is like a sucking Atlantic ocean with henry .
Hahaha…..of course it does. * Wink*wink* 😉
There is no Wyoming Institute of Technology!
“…ultimately deciding to write for National Report in 2014, feeling mainstream media sources were too invested in stories that didn’t matter.”
Nice bio retard. Going from stories that don’t matter to spreading BS that makes no sense using “studies” funded by an oil company.
I hope whoever gives you a paycheck thinks twice and reviews your crap before posting it on this site. Then again they might have even less of a brain than you seeing as this got published.
How stupid can people be to believe this CRAP?! Best wise up teabaggers, your God says lying is a sin and that sinners go to hell. Rid-x – what needs to be done to you.