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Punxsutawney Phil Predicts Four More Years of Snowflakes

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Punxsutawney, PA – The handlers of Pennsylvania’s most famous groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, said the furry whiskered rodent saw his shadow early Thursday morning, predicting four more years of insufferable snowflakes.

The top hat-wearing cult members of the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club reveal Phil’s forecast every February 2nd, based on a German legend surrounding Candlemas.

Thousands gathered overnight on Gobbler’s Knob, a tiny hill just outside of town. Folk music and fireworks displays went on long into the night.

The groundhog’s prediction is typically contained in a short poem, often times based on current events. This year, Phil’s official decree touched on a subject on everyone’s mind, the newly elected 45th President of the United States, Donald J. Trump.

“It’s mighty cold weather, you’ve been braving. Is it a peaceful future you are craving? The seer of seers says play your Trump card, be not intimidated by angry libtards,” the proclamation read. “Since you’ve been up all night and starting to shake, I see four more years of whiny, entitled snowflakes.”

As aficionados of the ritual will know, that means we’re in for at least four more years of protests, trigger warnings and safe spaces.

God help us all.

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