02252017Headline:

Area Mall Offering 10% Discount to Non-Active Shooters

Appleton, WI – The Fox Valley Mall has come under fire (pun intended) for an ad placed in Sunday’s Press Gazette newspaper offering a mall-wide 10% discount to all “non-active shooters” during the month of October. This comes amid [...]

Stores Report “Run on Pressure Cookers” after NYC Bombing

Retailers across the United States are reporting a spike in sales of pressure cookers following alleged terrorist bombings in New York City and New Jersey over the weekend. While the New Jersey incident featured “pipe-bomb-style” [...]

China’s Economic Recovery Result of Donald Trump Merchandise Sales

BEIJING — China’s rapid economic recovery, historically bolstered by foreign loan repayments and real estate deals, far outpaced quarterly financial projections, largely due to the overwhelming demand for Chinese manufactured, Donald Trump [...]

Whole Foods to Charge Cover at California Stores

Soon it will be a little more costly for health conscious Californians to get their Whole Foods “fix”. The Whole Foods grocery chain is allegedly considering adding a “sliding scale cover charge” to enter their California [...]

Marcus Bachmann Packs Fudge At Local Candy Factory

Marcus Bachmann, the conservative Christian counselor, and husband of former Minn. Congresswoman Michele Bachmann, appeared at a downtown Minneapolis candy factory as part of a new, small business initiative. Michele Bachmann, who recently [...]

Trojan Name New Ultra-Thin Skin Condom after Donald Trump

Trojan, the world leader in modern condom technology, announced today the company has developed the world’s thinnest-skin condom to date, and will market the new condom after the thinnest-skinned man to ever run for President of the United [...]

Papa John’s Pizza Tests Positive for HGH, Report Alleges

JEFFERSTOWN, Ky. – Papa John’s founder John Schnatter probably hoped spokesperson Peyton Manning’s HGH accusation troubles wouldn’t affect his pizza business, but increased scrutiny of Manning translates to added attention on Manning’s [...]

Netflix Teams with Planned Parenthood for ‘Netflix and Pill’ Campaign

Los Gatos, CA – In an effort to capitalize on the popular catch phrase “Netflix and chill,” the movie streaming giant Netflix announced today they are teaming up with Planned Parenthood to promote birth control awareness in the hopes [...]

Sarah Palin Signs Deal To Endorse Solar Powered Flashlight

WASILLA, Alaska – Former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin has signed an endorsement deal for an eco-friendly, solar-powered flashlight called “Sarah Palin’s Greenlight.” The former FOX News analyst and best-selling author attached her [...]
(AP Photo/Chris O'Meara)

JetBlue To Begin Weighing Passengers

LONG ISLAND, NY- Budget airline company JetBlue will begin weighing customers at the check-stations and will add luggage fees to passengers who are considered overweight or obese. “Because of the increased cost of our in-flight cable network, [...]

National Hobby Store Chain To Sell DIY Abortion Kits

In a stunning reversal of company policy, a large national hobby store chain has announced plans to sell a “do it yourself” abortion kit in its 500 stores and online. This change comes amid new findings about Planned Parenthood’s practice [...]

Mark Zuckerberg’s Facebook Account Deactivated Over ‘Real Name’ Policy, Sources Say

MENLO PARK, Calif. – Due to a “boolean architecture error,” Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg’s own account was reportedly disabled after being flagged under the company’s 2014 “real name” policy, according [...]

KFC Doubles Down with Rats

NEW YORK CITY, NY – Pizza Hut’s introduction of its Hot Dog Bites Pizza, a pizza with 28 hot dog bites baked into the crust, has taken the fast food industry by storm. “Pizza Hut’s really raised the bar with this one,” according to [...]

Family Given Free HBO After Woman Dies On Hold With Time Warner Cable

When Claudia Fitzsimmons died last week while calling Time Warner Cable for customer support, her family was outraged and demanded answers. But today, the Fitzsimmons family says all is right again after Time Warner Cable offered them a three-month [...]