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Avoiding Obama’s Same Sex Heimlich Scheme

One moment a person is choking and the next, they are gay.

One moment a person is choking and the next, they are gay.

(National Report) – While performing same sex mouth CPR is widely viewed just as homosexual as draining a groin snake bite, the same sex Heimlich maneuver falls somewhere between a lingering handshake and the tingling surge of thunder-down-under a man feels getting measured for a pair of trousers. It isn’t moral, comfortable or healthy.

There are ways to avoid a same sex Obama Heimlich scheme in the workplace or while mingling with people of unknown sexual persuasion. Understanding the political, spiritual and physical aspects of the maneuver is critical.

The Heimlich maneuver, the surprise hug from behind that has long been touted as a remedy for choking, is facing new scrutiny as a part of ObamaCare and the Department of Justice plan to force all government employees to accept and affirm homosexuality.

Many Americans understand the irony of having a national medical plan shoved down the throat. What could be unexpected is the forced unwanted embrace of political correctness and Obama’s same sex Heimlich. The reality of same sex tolerance is more than any should bear. The Constitution protects the religious moral freedoms of Americans to choke on their values and beliefs.

Obstruction of the windpipe is an inalienable right every American can enjoy or avoid. Obama wants to change that through dictator style executive orders.

Obama wants all Americans to evolve and accept homosexuality. This directive is being rolled out in DOJ employee forums and ObamaCare.

Charisma News reports how DOJ managers are being forced to forsake their Christian beliefs and kowtow to the homosexual message under the guise of creating equal opportunities.

No longer can Christians quietly dissent or remain neutral to same-sex sexual relationships. Now the DOJ is requiring federal employees to affirm sexual behaviors that every major religion throughout history has deemed immoral.

The DOJ also instructs managers to “display a symbol in your office (DOJ Pride sticker, copy of this brochure, etc.) indicating that it is a ‘safe space.'”

“LGBT Inclusion at Work: The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Managers” also instructs managers to “use inclusive words like partner, significant other or spouse rather than gender-specific terms like husband and wife” and to “use a transgender person’s chosen name and the pronoun that is consistent with the person’s self-identified gender.”

Managers cannot refer to LGBT employees as “it”, display Christian motivations that gently suggest a sulphur-scented fiery Hell for LGBT fornicators or express their moral disgust with what some may do in the privacy of their own home any longer without losing their job.

Obama has learned from Satan himself how to apply the Heimlich scheme to unwary conservatives.

By 2014, ObamaCare demands that all Heimlich maneuvers are same sex. Obama has learned from Satan himself how to apply the Heimlich scheme to unwary conservatives.

It is a diversity-flavored lump in the gullet that chokes the American spirit.

Christian conservative Americans will not be left to slowly expire by the obstruction of LGBT tolerance efforts rammed down the esophagus. By 2014, ObamaCare demands that all Heimlich maneuvers are same sex. It is a plan that breaks down conservative strength only to replace it with liberal socialism.

The human body is designed to respond to touch. It also needs oxygen to live.

When an obstruction becomes lodged in food pipe, the body is left vulnerable and open to homosexual fondling and exploration. Many people feel light headed and relieved after having their airways cleared of obstruction. With oxygen restored to the brain, new ideas can be introduced and take root.

Homosexual opportunists are always searching for ways to convert others to the gay lifestyle. Choking, intentional or happenstance, is a chance to engage in open sexual perversions while enticing further probing exploration. It is estimated 87% of the recipients of a lifesaving Heimlich maneuver turn full-on gay or reflect on their past choking experience in grateful terms.

Conversely, when a pastor holds a hand or towel over the mouth and nose while immersing a person in the baptismal pool, the feelings of rebirth and cleansing are moral because they are based on Biblical principles not anal play fantasy. Situational context is also important in preventing a same sex Heimlich crisis.

Homosexuality isn't the only danger of performing a Heimlich maneuver - bestiality and other fornicating perversions are also a risk.

Homosexuality isn’t the only danger of performing a Heimlich maneuver – bestiality and other fornicating perversions are also a risk.

What Can Americans Do to Prevent an Unwanted Same Sex Heimlich?

First, don’t get choked! Avoid hipsterish scarves and tight necklines. While no one really chokes on a neck covering, the fabric can restrict air flow if caught in a door or briefcase.

Lifestyle changes like eating soft foods can also help decrease the probability of choking. Popcorn, hotdogs and hard candies should be left to the liberals. If a child wouldn’t eat it, you probably should avoid it as well.

Don’t borrow trouble. Avoid sticking a penis in the mouth. While this may seem common sense to most people, some need reminding. The proper place for manhood is securely ensconced in his pants or in a woman’s vagina. Everywhere else should be off limits!

Learn to Heimlich yourself with prayer and a sturdy chair.

Conservative, value-principled Americans must embrace this new paradigm as protest to both Obamacare and homosexuality.

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21 Responses to "Avoiding Obama’s Same Sex Heimlich Scheme"

  1. Lillian Fabricant Lillian Fabricant says:

    The derivation of ‘esophagus’ is from the orgyistic pig latin root ‘phaglordus’, and translates into english as “He so fag (or phallus) gags us”. I always considered it to be a ruse of a Hetero or Lesbo origin, their sneaky way to publicly perform reverse boob reach-arounds on total strangers, the sick copafeeliacs! The manhoover, surprisingly, was ‘invented’ by a German, as foreplay in their violent courtship rituals. Surprising, because everyone knows those people don’t care about tits.

    • Barbara Bagwell Barbara Bagwell says:

      Exactly, Lillian, but then again Obama wants the moral majority asleep, slumbering with that pause in breath so significant with apnea (from the Greek, meaning ‘ap’ or poke and ‘nea’ meaning ‘loving caress of the butt cheek’. The knowledge elites think they are the only ones that ever studied ancient foreign languages! Ha!

      • Lillian Fabricant Lillian Fabricant says:

        P.U.! These fingers are used for dialing, thank you very much, full stop! Although sometimes I let them walk around on the yellow pages for exercise.

        I have some high placed, smelly sources in the underpants industry that have assured me the whole Heinylick Maneuver thing (gross) is just a marketing ploy to sell Men front and back junk pads and Ladies a kind of spidery shaped grippy cork-like thingy to keep their tampons from popping out whenever the Lady gets squeezed(it did not test well and was never launched). Talk about a solution looking for a problem!

        This country has gone to the dog’s butt since foundation garments became passe in my opinion. Whalebones, if used correctly, always gave me enough confidence and satisfaction to not worry about anything falling out of that but long skinny twisty babies. Sometimes red, sometimes black, just like a real Twizzler tm, but that cries a lot more, for a while anyway. Also, FYI, you can’t bite off both ends and drink soda through a real baby no matter how deformed it is, if you are having trouble telling the two things apart.

        Which, I suppose, is Nature’s way of telling you to stay single and lonely, probably.

        • Barbara Bagwell Barbara Bagwell says:

          Oh that is rich, every lady knows its a sneeze that will project those things across the room, splattering curtains and walls painted the most sublime Vegas Beige. Nope, give me a firm foundation, thank you very much, something I won’t be mortified to be caught dead in should I have a ride in one of those ambulances. When they cut my drawers from my cold, lifeless body they will need to sharpen the scissors after if you know what I mean. Kevlar is really just a form of polyester, but nothing is going to poke out and put out an eye.

          • Lillian Fabricant Lillian Fabricant says:

            I swear by Teflon tm. It’s their problem now, I always tell the surgeon. Try a more sandpaperier rubber glove, I adds helpfully.

            Those boomerang shaped pads come straight from the devil. Never again, I hate having a perfectly adequate make-up job ruined just because the chair was a little lower than I thought.

            It’s smart of you to plan on being dead when you pick out an outfit, the odds are only increasing on that, obviously. I don’t want to tell the paramedics how to do their job, but I DO think the least they could do is TRY to catch you in case you happen to still be alive… unless their ambulance is a strategically parked convertible. Lordy I don’t ever want to picture you ending up in one of those my dear! The regular, gross paramedics are almost as ‘handsy’ as morticians, and I shudder to think what a ‘swinger’ or ‘mid-life crisis’ paramedic would get up to with your corpse, yuck.

            But Kevlar does a good job on preserving organs, so there’s that to look forward to.

  2. Lillian Fabricant Lillian Fabricant says:

    Thanks for bringing attention about the suffering of good christians in the workplace into focus, Ms. Bagwell. When will the oppression ever end? I’m all for workplace Lions to remind people whose God is in charge now, and to get back to work or else. MRReoOWWRRRrr!

    • Lillian Fabricant Lillian Fabricant says:


    • Barbara Bagwell Barbara Bagwell says:

      Imagine an office filled with people that have to endure speculating on the weekend fiddling done by possibly gay, lesbian, transgenendered or bicysexual people! Work would never get done.

      I personally don’t mind if someone can ride a unicycle, but do they have to show pictures or describe in detail some trail ride? I will fight for their right to avoid wearing helmets, but don’t ask me to partake in that little parade! Nobody likes mimes, they are just a French invention to make Paris a miserable place to visit.

      • Lillian Fabricant Lillian Fabricant says:

        We part ways on the unicycle issue I’m afraid, those things will give you the genital thwarts every time you so much as smell one, let alone ride the damn thing. Some folks get addicted to the battery-powered seat, to which I say: weak morals. But it’s sort of like you’ve already given up on life anyway if you ride around on one of those contraptions, like Catherine the Great in her weird horse-diddling sling(but on one stupid wheel), advertising your shortcomings as a human. Please, just save us all some time and face the sky and spit in God’s eye why don’t you? Preferably on a slope near a cliff.

        I saw a mime on a unicycle once, and believe me it gave my some sympathy for serial killers I didn’t have before. I didn’t think ANYONE could die from being force-fed imaginary peeled bananas, but you learn something new and thrilling every day I suppose.

        • Lillian Fabricant Lillian Fabricant says:


          • Barbara Bagwell Barbara Bagwell says:

            Oh Lillian, I do fear for you and that condition. I was just reading about the side effects of certain beauty routines. I know your complexion is your facebook, but using cat litter has a price you cannot afford to pay. Those beauty blogs are written by liars and obese ugly girls that cannot snag a man with a shepherd’s hook and tranq dart. The litter must be clean, not used. Oh, deary, dear whatever and there’s no going back to myspace.

          • Lillian Fabricant Lillian Fabricant says:

            My boss is SO not into all these phones on hold, he keeps blocking my computer access. Well, I don’t smell anything on fire, chill out already. Luckily I have built-in wifi since that car wreck, so there isn’t much he can do besides roar and spray the curtains.

          • Lillian Fabricant Lillian Fabricant says:

            Good point about ugly women everywhere sabotaging their sisters with unrealistic dreams of fulfillment, adequacy or a break in the rent. There was a time I chased my targets around with a face full of cold cream and a rolling pin…but now, my beauty regimen is a splash of vodka in the febreeze, spritzed on the face, easy-peasy. Well, that and some vigorous facial rolling pinning is all I need these days to keep the cats away!

        • Barbara Bagwell Barbara Bagwell says:

          I had no idea Catherine the Great had duck tape, probably a gift from Marco Polo. We made a swing using duct tape. Willard was pretty anxious, so we found out pretty fast if it was water safe to take on the pontoon which is more than I can say for mimes. Anyway those things make a really neat contraption for water skiing if a person doesn’t mind getting things water logged. Summer’s eve? More like pond algae. Even used, that thing seemed to grow legs and just walk off a pier. The police didn’t even seem interested in investigating the obvious robbery. Of course I used some macrame knots I learned from my days working with the peace Corps in Appalachia, which means it probably got sold on Esty.

          • Lillian Fabricant Lillian Fabricant says:

            Wasn’t that the plot for ‘The Slime Monster Of Horny Teenager Beach’? That porn star Esty is a sensation, they say if you will pay the price she’ll let you soil anything on her that you’ve touched with your own hands. These kids! Sorry to hear your old knots fell off when they got wet.

  3. Nigel Covington Nigel Covington says:

    Allen is right. We need to create a website just for you two and let you guys banter back & forth until the cows come home. Awesome story and comments!!

    • Lillian Fabricant Lillian Fabricant says:

      Nobody’s a big, old knows-it-ALL more than Ms. Bagwell, in my book. I’d be dumber than a post if I didn’t have her intellect to compare things to and get explained at until its my turn to say things again. With her writing I always learn so many interesting things about myself I never would have guessed at If I didn’t find all that time for introspection getting through her insideful analcysts of Lordy knows what. Ask Ms. Bagwell what her article’s about this time I reminds myself, but every time I forgets.

      • Barbara Bagwell Barbara Bagwell says:

        Phfthliph-shaw! Stop buying your medications from India!

        • Lillian Fabricant Lillian Fabricant says:

          They come free with my Bindi-Ohs cereal, but I get your point. Or dot, whatever, just please stop dancing and singing and throwing marigolds at me, or I’ll get up.

    • Barbara Bagwell Barbara Bagwell says:

      Just between the sheets, Nigel, I think Lillian is the brains in this operation. I’m just a dopey sidekick, like that fat guy that follows that other guy in that one show. Of course I say this in all honesty because the NSA is certainly not interested in things published here or has access to our cell phones or anything like that. Oh we like to kid and joke around about the Obummer, but we don’t want no trouble or drones outside the window. But like I said, Lillian is the smart one.

  4. Lillian Fabricant Lillian Fabricant says:

    I loved that show! But I think it was actually a documentary of Kirstie Alley interviewing herself while ‘running’ away from herself. I have a real soft spot for blessed leader, and everyone knows it, it’s right on the back of my head where the plates of my skull collide.

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