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OBMA_EXEC_GUN_GRAB

President Obama Says He Fears ‘Becoming A Lame Duck Gun Grabber’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Barack Hussein Obama (D-Kenya) told the press over the weekend that as his administration’s tenure runs out, he’s growing increasingly concerned about “not completing one of Lord Soros’ [...]
OBAMA_CLINTON_GUNS

Hillary Clinton Promises to Confiscate ‘At Least Three Times As Many’ Guns As Obama Did

OAK HAVEN, OHIO — In the battleground state of Ohio this weekend, presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Rodham Clinton told a crowd of her supporters that she would do everything in her power to enact a “strong gun [...]
Welcome to Florida USA

Florida Rape Victim Skirts Waiting Period and Performs Her Own Abortion With An AR-15

LAGO DEL DESESPERACIÓN, FLORIDA — Back in April of this year, 28 year old nurse and Florida resident Jane Sampson was raped while walking home after working a late shift at St. Mary’s Hospital. To her utter shock and dismay, [...]
TRUMP_SHOOTING

Trump Campaign Looking for Volunteer to be Shot

HALSTON, IOWA — Donald Trump’s presidential campaign is “actively engaged” in trying to find a volunteer to be shot by the billionaire reality TV star and current Republican presidential front runner in the wake of Trump [...]
LAPIERRE_CRIES

Wayne LaPierre Gets Choked Up About Guns Not Sold After Failed Background Checks

FAIRFAX, VA — At a press conference early Friday morning, National Rifle Association Executive Vice-President Wayne LaPierre broke down into uncontrollable sobbing when he started talking to reporters about “all the guns that won’t [...]
LAPIERRE_CARE_PACKAGE

Wayne LaPierre Sends Care Package of Cookies, Guns, Ammo to Oregon Militia Squatters

BURNS, OREGON — NRA Executive Vice-President Wayne LaPierre has made no bones in the past about his distrust of the federal government. After many of the mass shootings that have taken place during President Barack Obama’s two presidential [...]
MILITIA_STUBBED_TOE

Oregon Militia Squatter Awarded Purple Heart for Stubbing Toe on Fridge

BURNS, OREGON — For “a gallant performance in the line of duty, and suffering through an enormous bruise,” Grant Ryan has been awarded a Purple Heart award. Ryan is a 26 year old self-described “modern libertarian” [...]
SYRIAN_WAR_ZONE

Refugee Happy He Fled Syrian War Zone to Live in American War Zone

SMITHVILLE, ARKANSAS — When Ammar Abdul Malouf, 32, stepped off the plane that had taken him from Newark to Little Rock, he said he “knew he was home” within just minutes. Malouf is a Syrian-born refugee that came to the United [...]
LAPIERRE_NRA_HQ

Wayne LaPierre Says U.S. Just ‘200 Million More Guns Away’ From Ending Gun Violence

FAIRFAX, VIRGINIA — Outside the National Rifle Association’s headquarters in Virginia, NRA executive Vice-President Wayne LaPierre held a press conference early Thursday morning, just hours after the most deadly mass shooting since [...]
(AP Photo/Lenny Ignelzi)

Ben Carson Charged As Accessory To Armed Robbery In Popeyes Restaurant Holdup

ATLANTA, Ga. – Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson was named as an accessory to armed robbery for a face-to-face encounter he had with an armed gunman at a Baltimore Popeyes restaurant, sources say. “I believe that you want [...]
PP_GUNS

Planned Parenthood to Start Giving Away Free Guns With Abortions

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Officials with Planned Parenthood, the low-cost healthcare provider that has become a lightning rod for right-wing vitriol in recent weeks, have announced that they will no longer accept reimbursement for fetal tissue [...]
BULLETPROOF_SCHOOLS

Congress to Consider Funding for Bulletproof Schools In Response to School Shootings

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the wake of the 45th school shooting this year, sources on The Hill say that several members of congress have “gotten the message,” as one staffer put it, and are considering several courses of action [...]
(AP Photo/Gene J. Puskar)

Starbucks Reveals Plans To Open New Chain Of Gun-friendly Cafés

Hot on the heels of their successful acquisition and closure of  popular San Francisco-based c0ffee house chain La Boulangerie, Starbucks International  has revealed it plans to launch a nationwide series of Gun-friendly, firearm-themed cafes, [...]
GOD_GUNS_MASS_SHOOTINGS

God: I’m Too Busy to Stop All The Gun Violence in America, Try Some New Laws

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — At a press conference held outside the Pearly Gates truck stop on Highway Infinity in the Kingdom of Heaven, Larry “God” Schumway told heavenly reporters that he is unable to solve the American gun [...]
Leading Conservatives Attend 40th Annual CPAC

Wayne LaPierre Calculating Body Count Needed to Do Something About Access to Guns

FAIRFAX, VIRGINIA — National Rifle Association Executive Vice-President Wayne LaPierre told reporters at a press conference early this week that he will be locking himself away in a secluded cabin in the Appalachian mountain range with [...]
NRA_GUY

NRA Executive: 45 School Shootings ‘Too Soon’ To Talk About Guns

FAIRFAX, VIRGINIA –When a gunman walked onto the campus of Umpqua Community College in Roseburg, Oregon and opened fire, killing 10 and leaving another dozens more wounded, it was the 45th such time a shooting has taken place on school [...]