05292017Headline:

Punxsutawney Phil Predicts Four More Years of Snowflakes

Punxsutawney, PA – The handlers of Pennsylvania’s most famous groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, said the furry whiskered rodent saw his shadow early Thursday morning, predicting four more years of insufferable snowflakes. The top hat-wearing [...]

Trump to Limit All Intelligence Briefings to 140-Characters

TRUMP TOWER – Soon after securing the Republican presidential nomination, business mogul/reality TV star Donald J. Trump swore off any and all assistance from the U.S. intelligence community, stating he did not trust the briefings he was [...]

Trump to Nominate Chris Christie to Supreme Food Court

TRUMP TOWER – President-Elect Donald J. Trump has reportedly assured NJ Governor Chris Christie that, despite recent reports, he has not been banished from his inner circle, and will nominate the Bridgegate behemoth to the Supreme Food Court. “Mr. [...]

Man Shouts ‘Allahu Akbar!’ Before Photobomb

Amsterdam, Netherlands – According to Dutch police, a crazed man detonated a devastating photobomb on an unsuspecting newlywed couple visiting Amsterdam on their honeymoon. The couple, John and Maggie Hillard from Manistique, Michigan, was [...]

Area Mall Offering 10% Discount to Non-Active Shooters

Appleton, WI – The Fox Valley Mall has come under fire (pun intended) for an ad placed in Sunday’s Press Gazette newspaper offering a mall-wide 10% discount to all “non-active shooters” during the month of October. This comes amid [...]

Flint Tap Water Rated More Trustworthy than Hillary Clinton

A new survey released today from the Make Michigan Great Again PAC shows that residents across the state rated Flint tap water higher on the ‘Trustworthiness’ scale than democratic nominee for President, Hillary Rodham Clinton. In the [...]