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North Korea Announces Kim Jong-un Takes Gold In Pairs Figure Skating and Two Man Bobsled!

<National Report>The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea’s (North Korea) Ministry of Information announced today that although the country had sent an Olympic delegation to the games, and did not send a team, its people should not be concerned because its fearless, eternal leader, Kim Jong-Un had agreed to participate himself in a variety of events. The North Korean news service went on to announce that Un had been victorious in every event in which he had entered, despite never having trained, the North Korean President had single-handedly won the pairs figure skating competition as well as the two man bobsled, setting world records ‘never to be broken’, in both events.

The Information Service went on to announce that the ‘glorious and exalted’ leader, Kim Jong-Un had taken the Gold in Ski Jumping, ‘flying higher and farther than scientists had previously believed humanly possible,’ just after announcing that the North Korean President had won the Giant Downhill Slalom, beating athletes from every other country, including ‘Imperialist Dogs’, The United States and Japan, as well as capping off his visit by shutting out the Soviet National Hockey Team in a game yet to be played; concluding the announcement by saying that, “All victories accomplished with ‘record scores and times’ never to be broken in the history of mankind.

It was also reported by North Korean independent sources, that Kim Jong-Un so loves his people that he will refuse the medals and honors and all Western style decadent celebrations in his ‘glorification’ and will immediately return to his country to share the glory and greatness of his unprecedented performances with the people while allowing the sun to rise and set in his honor.

In a follow up, officials from the Russian Olympic Federation denied that Kim Jong-Un was even in attendance at the games, much less a participant.  “He would have had to qualify just as all athletes are required to do, and we have no one by that name registered as a participant.” a spokesman told the National Report – a charge Kim Jong-Un’s spokesman angrily denied as propaganda and the product of international jealousy over the prowess and supremacy of The Great Leader over ‘mortals’.

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40 Responses to "North Korea Announces Kim Jong-un Takes Gold In Pairs Figure Skating and Two Man Bobsled!"

  1. Queen Fatima says:

    The Russian hosts no doubt allowed the Dear Leader to win so that the Russian Federation remains in his good graces and shipments of North Korean bathroom doors and plumbing products will not be impeded.

  2. Mr. Pink says:

    Please publish source on this info, would be great!

    • tsm says:

      Ha!! Source info lololol

    • Mr. Blue says:

      There is no source, the article was made up.

    • David Hart says:

      Source? You must be kidding. This ranks right up there with all the other “exclusive” stories about North Korea and Kim Jong-Un….he believes in unicorns, the DPRK soccer team is all going to be executed for losing to South Korea, etc, ad infinitum and nauseum. Anything to make a joke about North Korea or their rulers. What a crock.

  3. Ron says:

    Unfair for a god to compete against we mere mortals.

  4. K says:

    Yes, please. Show a source.

  5. Mortten says:

    ITS vs. IT’S

  6. Krolik says:

    What is wrong with man… He did not win the 4 Man bobsleigh. Was he having an off day after winning the pairs figure skating…

  7. Tom says:

    This is hilarious. Loving the spin on it. Definitely cheered up my Tuesday afternoon!

  8. Ballsack says:

    poor grammar

  9. sandras says:

    Yeah, you should have seen him skate by his own side and pick himself up and do a triple loop and caught himself just before he smashed his lying mouth into the ice.Had a bit of a mishap though, he was doing about 40mph on the ice when he was supposed to twirl himself to a stop, but he missed his own arm and smashed into the judges!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  10. nightmare says:

    I would have loved to see him doing the pairs skating, but how does he dance with himself, as he so selfish that he wouldn’t share with anyone.

  11. Roy says:

    What are the sources???

    • Helen says:

      Oi Dumb ass – this whole website is a spoof…. None of the story’s are real.
      Did you not get this? !

  12. Josh Tyler says:

    North Korea is Nazi-Germany 2014:
    – Concentration camps
    – Mass starvation
    – Torture
    – Racial biological experiments
    – Genocide and mass murder
    – Media glorification of the “leader” (dictator)

    • Berty bunkfish says:

      What genocide and mass murder? What racial biological experiments? What starvation and Torture? And what concentration camps? What is your source Josh Tyler?

      • TW says:

        Is the UN good enough for you?

      • Benj Buck says:

        At the following link you can find a download option for a detailed (372 page) report from the UN’s High Commissioner for Human Rights.


        This is a damning (probably the most damning yet) report on the entirely totalitarian state that is North Korea.

        Currently around 200,000 are held in concentration camps. If an individual speaks badly of the state then they are frequently immediately imprisoned, along with the 3 surrounding generations of their direct family. They are imprisoned without trial and the sentence is frequently for life. They are forced to then work long, hard labour (mining, farming, production) with zero healthcare, minimal nourishment and appalling living conditions. If they misbehave they are beaten & tortured severely (often to death), if they become sick they are forced to continue work, and when they become too ill to work they are cast out of the camp into the wilderness and left to die.

        In North Korea it is a crime to know of dissenters and not to tell the state. If you are found to know and not have blown the whistle then you and your family are incarcerated permanently. The Korean people know people dissapear but do not know full details of the concentration camps. They often say that people have been ‘sent to the hills’.

        Previous prison guards have released intel on these subjects and go into detail on their torture methods.

        When closing some of these camps down in the past, they have needed to decrease the population and have done so by mass starvation.

        There are reports of chemical testing of poisonous gasses on families in these concentration camps.

        The question now is what should the West do about this? Just because the majority of this is insular (kept within DPRK) should we do nothing?

        This really is comparable to Nazi Germany or Stalinist Russia.

        How could we possibly integrate a company this deeply entrenched in totalitarianism with the rest of the (mainly) democratic world? Everything they know and believe is controlled by the government & as demonstrated, stepping out of line is severely punished.

        Hard questions, hard tasks.

        Berty, hope that satisfies your call for sources.

        • CuriousYellow says:

          @Berty Bunkfish

          *SLAP* , that was the sound of ‘source’ well and truly provided and presented. that was you told 🙂

          @Benj Buck
          Thank you, long shit day, and that cheered me up no end (you having the source, not the content!)

        • Cake says:

          There are also several documentaries of people who have been into north Korea with secret cameras. The obvious fake scenes the koreans have to put on for foriegn visitors is ridiculously obvious and when you get a look at what they filmed outside these set scenes the country looks in tatters out of poverty.
          However the worst thing is because of all the sever punishments for breaking any rule the people are terrified to go against their leader. That and because of this terror they have literally been brain washed throughout generations. In one of the documentaries (on youtube just search) it shows a classroom when young children are being taught to practically worship their leader. Thats something which can cause a problem to other countries should they want to invade as they are innocent people yet they would fight for kim because of this brain washing. :/ that’s my personal opinion anyway.
          Documentaries are on youtube and the internet just use a search bar

  13. cupid says:

    He has been to the sun as well.

  14. bill says:

    Thought he’d do ok

  15. Joe User says:

    Kim Jong-un is despicable, but I’m not buying this story. Sources?

  16. Noel F says:

    This story is legit – it was on TV here in Australia.

  17. Aaron says:

    Jeez there are some dumbasses on this thread. Dirrr…source….dirrr

  18. Anonymous says:

    The article is one thing, but the author should study the apostrophe a bit more, especially when NOT to use it. It’s (with the apostrophe) = it is. Its (without) = something belonging to it.

    With this knowledge… well… see for yourself, lines 4-6: “it is people should not be concerned because it is fearless, eternal leader, Kim Jong-un”. Surely you can do better than this.

    • Irony says:

      You are confused.

      As you say, quite correctly:
      “It’s (with the apostrophe) = it is. Its (without) = something belonging to it.”

      But to quote the article:
      “its people should not be concerned because its fearless, eternal leader…”

      As you can see, the author hasn’t used an apostrophe here.

      Therefore the first “its” wouldn’t equate to “it is people…’ etc., but to ‘the people of it’. So the author is right.

      Oh the irony.

      • Blunderdump Clingersnatch says:

        Ha! Completely agree with Irony on the irony of the replies (Anonymous/Mortten)…

        I think the commentators, who coincidentally have not graduated with a masters in Communication(s), should really grasp the king’s (English) before using it.

        It just doesn’t make any sense…

      • Richardson McIrony says:

        source please. I’m growing doubtful about this site and it’s commenters.

  19. phu que 2 says:

    Is this a satire site? Wonder if he will compete in the Summer olympice. Would love to see him run the 100 meter dash is 2 seconds! LOL! What a jerk!

  20. clement says:

    If North Koreans believe this fantastic claptrap, they are the most gullible people in the “history of the world.”

  21. …I am so confused. ._.

  22. JAMES says:

    you lost me when I saw the sarah palin picture on the top of the page. i mean come on, really? Palin? No one better available? No one at all?

  23. Richard Gennis says:

    I knew he was a humanitarian and an intellectual genius. I am not surprised as to his other attributes as he is the Grandson of the Great Leader,

  24. David Hart says:

    Kim Jong-Un is to the OIympics what Barack Obama is to world peace.

*DISCLAIMER: National Report is a news and political satire web publication, which may or may not use real names, often in semi-real or mostly fictitious ways. All news articles contained within National Report are fiction, and presumably fake news. Any resemblance to the truth is purely coincidental. Advice given is NOT to be construed as professional. If you are in need of professional help, please consult a professional. National Report is not intended for children under the age of 18.