Trump Says He’s Ready To Pivot From ‘Hardcore Racism’ to ‘Palatable, Subtle Racism’

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Republican presidential nominee and walking, talking anti-diarrheal pill advertisement Donald J. Trump told reporters this morning he is ready to make a “general election pivot,” and that he hopes it will [...]
(Image:  Mark Taylor via Wiki)

Donald Trump’s Afro-Centric Golf Course “Colored Greens” Will Attract Black Voters

TRUMP TOWER — In an effort to expand his African-American voting base, Donald Trump revealed plans to build an afro-centric, 18-hole golf course named “Colored Greens.” The resort will open in the fall of 2018, in Birmingham, Alabama, [...]

Trump Proposes Repealing Obamacare, Replacing Doctors With Republicans Watching Videos

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Republican presidential nominee Donald J. Trump announced today that he and his healthcare advisers have devised a new plan to repeal and replace the Affordable Care Act, or Obamacare. Trump said that under his new [...]

Exclusive! Leaked Job Offer Letter For New Fox News Female Employees

At most companies, when someone is hired, they are given an offer letter that discloses the terms and conditions of their employment. Things like salary, vacation days, and general job duties are typically discussed within the offer letter. [...]

Ryan Lochte’s Mom Ends Endorsement Deal With Ryan Lochte

CHARLOTTE, N.C. — Illeana Lochte, mother of 12-time Olympic medalist Ryan Lochte, has reportedly ended a longstanding endorsement deal with her son, after a robbery story perpetuated by the 32-year-old swimmer —shared by his mother on social [...]
(AP Photo/Jacquelyn Martin)

Sarah Palin Lists Pig Latin as Language Skill in Resumé Sent to Donald Trump

WASILLA, Alaska — Former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, hoping to get her foot in the door of Donald Trump’s administration, reportedly submitted her resumé to the Republican nominee’s headquarters earlier this month. Besides the well-known [...]

New Study Reveals Inverse Relationship Between Penis Size And Times Word “Cuck” Is Used

One of the nation’s leading scientific research organizations has concluded that the more someone uses the word “cuck” in their everyday speech, the smaller their penis tends to be. The term cuck is Internet slang for “cuckold,” [...]

Trump Adviser Michele Bachmann To Get New Secretary of Rapture Cabinet Role

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — When former Congresswoman Michele Bachmann (R-MN) announced that the Donald J. Trump presidential campaign had asked her to start consulting with them on matters of foreign policy, it was assumed she was angling for [...]
(AP Photo/LM Otero)

Trump to Host “Afro-Centric” Picnics

Following his successful speech addressing African Americans in Milwaukee, Republican Presidential Candidate Donald Trump announced he will hold “Afro-Centric Picnics” throughout the country. “Crooked Hillary would like you to think she’s [...]

Trump Campaign Hires Ryan Lochte As Truth Adviser

ASH MILL, NORTH CAROLINA — While speaking to a campaign stop crowd outside a seafood restaurant, Donald J. Trump announced that his campaign has hired embattled Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte as a special adviser on the subject of the truth [...]

Donald Trump Admits Regretting Being Donald Trump

HAM FALLS, NORTH CAROLINA — A day after delivering a speech in which he said he regrets “sometimes saying the wrong thing,” Republican presidential nominee Donald J. Trump clarified and gave more context to what he meant. “I [...]

Steve Bannon’s First Move: Trump To Put Out Tinfoil ‘Make America Great Again’ Hats

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Following a major shake-up of his campaign apparatus, alleged billionaire and confirmed D-List realityTV celebrity Donald J. Trump demoted his previous campaign manager and put Breitbart News executive chairman Steve [...]

Rudy Giuliani Claims There Were No ‘Louisiana Floods’ Before Obama

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania (TNR) Rudy Giuliani, who served as New York City’s Mayor during 9/11, claimed that there had not been “any Louisiana floods” in the eight years before President Barack Obama took office. But the [...]

Clinton: National Anthem Must Go

Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton says it is time to revise America’s National Anthem. “America’s National Anthem promotes gun violence with references to rockets and bursting bombs,” Clinton said. “Our schools are [...]

Leaked E-mail: Clinton Will Officially Rechristen U.S. Armed Forces As “The Hillitary”

Recently, the Democratic National Committee has been the target of high-profile cyber attacks, resulting in thousands of emails being stolen, allegedly by Russian hackers. One of those emails has reportedly made its way to several media outlets, [...]

NASA Scientists Still Unable To Locate Edge Of Trump’s Stupidity

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Scientists at NASA have yet to locate the edge of Donald Trump’s stupidity, even after over a year of campaign rallies and convention speeches. “We have been watching Mr. Trump’s presidential campaign [...]