02252017Headline:

Punxsutawney Phil Predicts Four More Years of Snowflakes

Punxsutawney, PA – The handlers of Pennsylvania’s most famous groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, said the furry whiskered rodent saw his shadow early Thursday morning, predicting four more years of insufferable snowflakes. The top hat-wearing [...]

Putin Declares US Inauguration Day Russian National Holiday, Sources Say

MOSCOW — Russian Federation President Vladimir Putin, in a bold, public display of support for US President-elect Donald Trump, will reportedly declare Friday, January 20, 2017 —America’s Inauguration Day— a Russian national holiday. The [...]
Scott Walker

Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker Vows To ‘Make Cheese Grate Again’

MADISON, Wis. — Inspired by Donald Trump’s “Make America Great Again” campaign slogan, Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker pledged to “Make Cheese Grate Again” during a fiery speech outlining his administration’s goals for [...]
Putin

Vladimir Putin Will Sing at Donald Trump’s Inauguration, Sources Say

TRUMP TOWER, N.Y. — Amid questionable reports that President-elect Donald Trump’s transition team is scrambling to find inaugural performers, comes news of an international entertainment guest star bombshell. Russian Federation President [...]

Chuck Norris, Scott Baio Turned Down Trump Administration Roles, Insiders Say

Trump Administration Vetted Hollywood Actors For Cabinet Positions, Sources Report Hollywood actors Chuck Norris and Scott Baio were each vetted for cabinet positions within the incoming Trump administration, but both of them declined the offers, [...]

Trump to Limit All Intelligence Briefings to 140-Characters

TRUMP TOWER – Soon after securing the Republican presidential nomination, business mogul/reality TV star Donald J. Trump swore off any and all assistance from the U.S. intelligence community, stating he did not trust the briefings he was [...]

Donald Trump Claims 10 Billion Illegal Immigrants Voted For Hillary Clinton, And That He Has Cured AIDS

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — In a blast of tweets Sunday afternoon, President-Elect Donald Trump raised eyebrows all over the country by seemingly implying that the election he himself won was fraught with voter fraud. Without citing any evidence [...]

Trump: Ben Carson Perfect For HUD Because ‘It Has The Word Urban In It’

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — President-Elect Donald J. Trump has already been raising eyebrows with his cabinet and adviser selections. Trump tapped Jeff Sessions as his Attorney General when Sessions was deemed too racist for a federal judgeship [...]

Obama Wants To Be A ‘Private Sector Gun Grabber’ When He Leaves Office

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The days in President Barack Hussein Obama’s (D-Kenya) presidency are dwindling, and aides close to the first black president are saying he’s been thinking long and hard about what he’ll do once he [...]
Melania

Melania Trump To Promote Healthy School Lunches, More Exercise As First Lady

THE WHITE HOUSE — Melania Trump wasted no time in announcing her pet project as the nation’s 45th first lady. During a luncheon hosted by outgoing first lady Michelle Obama, Mrs. Trump said she wanted American children to adopt healthier [...]

Mitt Romney Organizing Victims Of Bill Clinton and Donald Trump’s Sexual Abuse Into Binders

A sad and listless Mitt Romney spent his Wednesday night organizing all the known alleged victims of both Bill Clinton and Donald Trump’s sexual abuse into a brightly colored binder he purchased at Hobby Lobby, sources report. The former [...]

The Covington Report: Fake News Alleged to Cause Cancer & Global Climate Change?

“There was a baseline of facts that we could all work off of. And now we just don’t have that.” President Barack Obama, November 21, 2016 <National Report> In an interview yesterday with The New Yorker, President Barack [...]

Pres.-Elect Trump: Ivanka Trump Will Move Into White House ‘To Fill Melania’s Vacancy’

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — President-Elect Donald J. Trump announced this week that incoming First Lady Melania Trump and his son Barron would not be moving into the White House when he is sworn-in next January. Today he announced that his daughter [...]

President-Elect Trump Asks That All His Intelligence Briefings Have Pictures

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — The Donald Trump presidential transition team has submitted an official request to Congress, asking that that the new President-elect have his daily intelligence briefings modified from how previous presidents received [...]