02072016Headline:
NEWHAMP_ASSHOLE

New Hampshire Republican Torn Between Two A-Holes

HAMPTON PASS, NEW HAMPSHIRE — Jason Hubert is a lifelong Republican who has lived in New Hampshire since he moved there with his family as a teenager in 1989. Jason told us recently that he feels “torn” between two candidates [...]
(AP Photo/Mark Humphrey)

Donald Trump: “I Was Caucus Blocked By Ted Cruz”

DES MOINES, Iowa – Addressing a private group of supporters in Iowa, Donald Trump vowed that he would not give up his #1 frontrunner status easily, after being “Caucus blocked” by Texas Sen. Ted Cruz. Cruz eked out a narrow GOP victory [...]
RUBIO_PODIUM

Marco Rubio Admits He Requested Bigger Debate Podium to Hide His War Boner

DES MOINES, IOWA — Speaking to reporters after last night’s Republican primary debate in Iowa, Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL) admitted that the rumors floating around before the debate were true; he had requested a much larger podium [...]
(AP Photo/John Locher)

Obama to Pardon Hillary Clinton for Benghazi, Emailgate, Sources Say

WASHINGTON – In what some say is the most far-reaching exercise of presidential power and authority in history, sources reveal that Barack Obama has arranged to grant an executive pardon to former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton [...]
(AP Photo/Steve Helber)

Ben Carson, GOP Candidate, Found Dead Inside at 64

BALTIMORE, Md. – Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson, who gained worldwide fame as a pediatric neurosurgeon, and who later turned his attentions to conservative causes, was found dead inside, based on results of a recent medical [...]
Militia_TWIX

Last Twix in Breast Pocket Stops Bullet, Saves Oregon Militia Squatter’s Life

BEND, OREGON — After a traffic stop led to seven arrests and the death of one of their most famous soldiers, the Oregon militia standoff at a federal bird observatory seems to be reaching its zenith, and one member of the militia, Oregon [...]
TRUMP_SHOOTING

Trump Campaign Looking for Volunteer to be Shot

HALSTON, IOWA — Donald Trump’s presidential campaign is “actively engaged” in trying to find a volunteer to be shot by the billionaire reality TV star and current Republican presidential front runner in the wake of Trump [...]
TRUMP_PALIN_BANG_DAUGHTERS

Sources: Trump Asks Palin If She Ever Thinks About Banging Her Own Daughter Too

HALLOWELL, IOWA — The relationship between billionaire Donald J. Trump and former Alaskan Half-Term Governor Sarah Palin is getting “quite cozy” as one Trump aide put it recently, relaying a story that shows just how intimately [...]
(AP Photo/Jacquelyn Martin)

Sarah Palin Diagnosed With STFU

WASILLA, Alaska – Former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin has been diagnosed with STFU, according to multiple media outlets. The diagnosis became public shortly after Palin blamed both President Barack Obama and the condition known as Post Traumatic [...]
BACHMANN_REAGAN

Michele Bachmann Endorses Ronald Reagan For President

PUMPERNICKEL, MINNESOTA — Former Congresswoman Michele Bachmann (R-MN) has broken her silence on the matter and endorsed someone for the 2016 Republican presidential nomination — former President Ronald Reagan. “My good friend [...]

Sarah Palin: Why Does Obama Keep Getting Bristol Pregnant?

GOLD PLAINS, IOWA — Former half-term Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin (R), while in Iowa campaigning for Donald J. Trump this week told reporters that she is “sick and tired” of President Barack H. Obama “ruining” [...]
Carpool Sign

Ben Carson, Carly Fiorina Agree to Carpool to Rest of Campaign Events

DESOLATE PLAINS, IOWA — Citing a desire to “pool resources” and “save on gas money,” the presidential campaigns of retired neurosurgeon Dr. Ben Carson and former Hewlett Packard CEO Carly Fiorina have mutually [...]
BERNIE_HRC

Hillary Clinton Counting on Sanders Supporters to ‘Rally Around’ Her ‘Inevitability’

HORIZON, NEW HAMPSHIRE — The 2016 Democratic primary race is heating up. This week, one poll in New Hampshire found Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT) taking a commanding 30 point lead over presumed front runner Hillary Rodham Clinton. That [...]
MILITIA_BEER_RUN

Oregon Militia Squatter Awarded Silver Cross For Beer Run

BURNS, OREGON — His legend grows as Oregon First Militia Private Corporal Master Chief Grant Ryan continued his historic and valiant performance in the Great Burns Oregon Squatting, earning himself his second medal of recognition from [...]
(AP Photo/John Locher)

In an Effort to Appeal to Younger Voters, Hillary Clinton Endorses Bernie Sanders

CHARLESTON,  S.C. – In an effort to appeal to younger voters, especially 18–24 year-olds, Hillary Clinton will formally endorse Bernie Sanders for president. Sources say the timing of her endorsement will depend on how strongly she performs [...]
SOTU002

Paul Ryan Says He Practiced ‘Smug, Punchable’ Face for Weeks Before SOTU

WASHINGTON, D.C. — When Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI) became Speaker of the House last fall, his staffers say he marked January 12th, 2016 on his official calendar right away. “He was really focused on the State of the Union address,” [...]