06252016Headline:
(AP Photo/J. Scott Applewhite, File)

House Speaker Paul Ryan Treated for E. coli Infection, Says Oral Report

CAPITOL HILL — The recent outbreak of E. coli bacterium infection thrust its malicious tongue deeply into Capitol Hill’s tunnels and corridors, as news reports broke that Speaker of the House Paul Ryan reportedly was treated at a Georgetown [...]
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George W. Bush: “Trump Tower Grill Taco Bowl Best I’ve Had”

The internet is abuzz with a tweet that Presidential hopeful, Donald Trump, made earlier today in honor of the Mexican “Cinco de Mayo” holiday seen below: Happy #CincoDeMayo! The best taco bowls are made in Trump Tower Grill. I [...]
(AP Photo/Carolyn Kaster)

Michelle Obama Films PSA for ‘Resting Bitch Face’ Disorder

THE WHITE HOUSE — It is a cherished tradition for America’s first ladies to adopt a pet project during their stay at the White House. While Nancy Reagan had her “Just Say No” campaign against drugs, and Pat Nixon promoted volunteerism, [...]
(Wikimedia Commons Photo/Gage Skidmore)

Hepatitis Outbreak Traced to Tattoo Booth at Donald Trump Rally

TUCSON, Ariz. — Health officials in Chicago, Salt Lake City, and Phoenix have reported several clusters of a unique strain of hepatitis, all containing the same viral marker. A mobile tattoo booth, present at several of Donald Trump’s [...]
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Pot Addicted Juggalos Succumbing to Lead Poisoning in Detroit Area

By Cornelius Bartholomew “Cassidy” Pen – TNReport Investigative Journalist FLINT, MI – If the dangers from face painting, brandishing bladed weapons as if they’re toys, and drinking cheap teeth-rotting grape soda [...]
Photo by Heath Alseike via Flickr Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic (CC BY 2.0)

Flint Bong Water Cause of Teens’ Death: Coroner Reveals

Flint, MI – Two Flint teenagers have died and two more are being treated after smoking what the medical examiner’s office is calling “toxic marijuana” made poisonous by lead water filtration through a contaminated glass water pipe, [...]
Photo by Gage Skidmore via Flickr Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 2.0 Generic (CC BY-SA 2.0)

Bristol Palin Diagnosed with Chronic DTF

Wasilla, AK – According to several independent Alaskan media outlets, Bristol Palin has been diagnosed with chronic DTF. This crushing news comes just one month after giving birth to her second out-of-wedlock child, the beautiful and healthy [...]
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Oregon Militia to Surrender Due to Pink Eye Outbreak; Reports Say

Burns, OR – Reports coming out of the Malheur Wildlife Refuge overrun by heavily armed patriots idiots are saying a full surrender to authorities is imminent after a nasty outbreak of pink eye has left tensions inside the federal bird sanctuary [...]
(AP Photo/Gene J. Puskar, File)

Chipotle’s E. coli Outbreak Traced Back To Sean Penn’s Beard

DENVER, Colo. – Actor/activist Sean Penn is denying reports that his beard is the source of multiple, nationwide E. coli outbreaks affecting the Chipotle restaurant chain. Penn’s denial follows reports that he fears for his life, [...]
Young Bristol Palin can't seem to keep her legs closed long enough to keep from falling off her high horse (Photo by Todd Williamson/Invision/AP, FIle)

Bristol Palin Struggling With Postparty Depression, Sources Say

WASILLA, Alaska – Abstinence booster/single mother Bristol Palin, 25, is suffering from postparty depression following the birth of her second child, Sailor Grace, say sources close to the Palin family compound in Wasilla. Palin, daughter [...]
(AP Photo/Jacquelyn Martin)

Obama Bans Microbeads, Are Guns Next?

President Barack Obama has signed legislation that effectively outlaws plastic microbeads in facial and body cleansers. The bill that bans the sale and distribution of microbead cleansers is reported to help protect the nation’s water [...]
(AP Photo/Charlie Riedel)

Bernie Sanders’ Hernia Surgery Not Covered by Obamacare

Democratic Presidential candidate and internet darling Bernie Sanders underwent a planned hernia surgery today at George Washington University Hospital. What many media sources are neglecting to report is that Sanders will likely have to come [...]
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Study Claims Only Way To Be Less Racist Is To Accuse Others Of Racism

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({}); A study out of Denver’s Diversity Symposium has found the only way for people to extinguish racism in their own souls is to become experts at identifying racism in others. Dr. Wilder, [...]
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Husband Gets Colostomy Bag Tattoo After Wife’s Accident

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({}); In a truly heart-warming display of solidarity, a husband surprises his wife with a colostomy bag tattoo after a tragic skiing accident rendered her unable to pass solid waste. Dan Barrows, [...]
(Photo by Jordan Strauss/Invision/AP)

Subway to Unleash Oprah ‘Nuclear Option’ to Recover from Jared Fogle Debacle

As the sordid tale of former Subway spokesman, Jared Fogle, continues to unfold, sources inside the sandwich juggernaut allege that a corporate partnership with Oprah Winfrey is on the horizon. A source close to an “important person” [...]
(AP Photo/Wong Maye-E, File)

Are Kim Jong-Un’s Latest Acts of Aggression the Result of ‘Roid Rage’?

It’s that time of the year again. The kids are going back to school, the NFL season is about to begin, and North Korea has once again threatened to attack the United States. This season’s threats from the Hermit Kingdom came with [...]