02252017Headline:

Anti-Vaxxer Parents Refuse To Check Kids’ Trick-Or-Treat Candy Before They Eat It

GLEN IVY SPRINGS, CALIFORNIA — Helen and Shawn McGraw live in a gated community in Southern California’s Orange County. Shawn is a real estate agent and the couple have managed to afford a very comfortable lifestyle for themselves [...]

Clinton Challenges Trump to a Weigh-In Before Final Debate

Days before the third and last Trump/Clinton debate, sources say Hillary Clinton —challenged to submit to a drug test before their meeting— is issuing her own challenge to Donald Trump: a Las Vegas style “weigh-in” before the main event. Clinton [...]

Kim Jong-Un Named “Healthiest Leader” in North Korean History

In a move that shocked no one, the North Korean Central News Agency allegedly reported that Kim Jong-Un was recently named the “healthiest leader” in DPRK history. This reported claim by the DPRK comes on the heels of controversy [...]

Hillary Clinton Declared Legally Dead by Dr. Ben Carson

PHILADELPHIA, Pa. — Donald Trump surrogate and former presidential candidate Ben Carson declared Hillary Clinton “legally dead,” while speaking to a group of Trump supporters in Pennsylvania. “Now I’m not a lung doctor,” said Carson, [...]

Make A Wish Kid Says “I Wish Donald Trump Had Cancer”

BUFFALO GROVE, Ill. — Friends, family and even town officials in this conservative, Chicagoland suburb of 42,000 have sadly distanced themselves from 7-year-old cancer patient Steven Tait, after the youngster’s controversial Make A Wish [...]

Michele Bachmann: Obama Engineered Zika Virus to Fund Obamacare

STILLWATER, Minn. — In a speech delivered before a major conservative think tank, former Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann reportedly suggested that the Obama administration deliberately engineered the Zika virus, in an effort to “keep [...]

‘Wounded Social Justice Warrior Project’ Rebuilds Hope; Sense of Purpose

Prudence Bradley, 19, found it difficult to put into words what she experienced during her days as a social justice warrior. She didn’t have to. The way the slightly overweight feminist apologetically paused, fought back tears, and forced [...]

House Speaker Paul Ryan Treated for E. coli Infection, Says Oral Report

CAPITOL HILL — The recent outbreak of E. coli bacterium infection thrust its malicious tongue deeply into Capitol Hill’s tunnels and corridors, as news reports broke that Speaker of the House Paul Ryan reportedly was treated at a Georgetown [...]

George W. Bush: “Trump Tower Grill Taco Bowl Best I’ve Had”

The internet is abuzz with a tweet that Presidential hopeful, Donald Trump, made earlier today in honor of the Mexican “Cinco de Mayo” holiday seen below: Happy #CincoDeMayo! The best taco bowls are made in Trump Tower Grill. I [...]

Michelle Obama Films PSA for ‘Resting Bitch Face’ Disorder

THE WHITE HOUSE — It is a cherished tradition for America’s first ladies to adopt a pet project during their stay at the White House. While Nancy Reagan had her “Just Say No” campaign against drugs, and Pat Nixon promoted volunteerism, [...]

Hepatitis Outbreak Traced to Tattoo Booth at Donald Trump Rally

TUCSON, Ariz. — Health officials in Chicago, Salt Lake City, and Phoenix have reported several clusters of a unique strain of hepatitis, all containing the same viral marker. A mobile tattoo booth, present at several of Donald Trump’s [...]

Flint Bong Water Cause of Teens’ Death: Coroner Reveals

Flint, MI – Two Flint teenagers have died and two more are being treated after smoking what the medical examiner’s office is calling “toxic marijuana” made poisonous by lead water filtration through a contaminated glass water pipe, [...]

Bristol Palin Diagnosed with Chronic DTF

Wasilla, AK – According to several independent Alaskan media outlets, Bristol Palin has allegedly been diagnosed with chronic DTF. This crushing news comes just one month after giving birth to her second out-of-wedlock child, the beautiful [...]

Oregon Militia to Surrender Due to Pink Eye Outbreak; Reports Say

Burns, OR – Reports coming out of the Malheur Wildlife Refuge overrun by heavily armed patriots idiots are saying a full surrender to authorities is imminent after a nasty outbreak of pink eye has left tensions inside the federal bird sanctuary [...]