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Obama to Send Large Shipment of ‘Thoughts and Prayers’ to Texas Flood Victims


(Image Source: Jordan Anderson, Twitter)

Houston, TX- Massive flooding this week left at least two dead and millions homeless as the administration scrambles to deploy thoughts and prayers to local governments in coordination with FEMA and other disaster relief agencies. “We’re just trying to get the thoughts and prayers out as quickly as possible”, a spokesperson for the administration said, “and if we can get the public to have an equally dedicated campaign to collect Facebook likes for these victims, we can really mitigate the worst of this.”

FEMA director Adam Brown told reporters earlier today that “retweeting victims’ posts really helps, please do that as much as possible. This is a serious issue that we can’t just swipe left.” Reports from the agency had indicated earlier today that upvoting could have some impact, but reacting on Facebook with a “wow” or, even better, the “angry face” would most likely be what turns the tide in effective response to this region.

“If you want to do literally everything you can to help the victims in Texas, you should like this article, then share this article, then like the one you shared and then comment so that your friends get engaged and then they start tagging people and everyone talks about how much it sucks and everyone posts pictures”, said President Obama. “Then go relax to your favorite show and have a beer. You’ve earned it.”

Story update: Victims are now saying they have received too many thoughts and prayers and will have to send some back. Houston has miraculously repaired all damage and now has a surplus of prayers while also lowering the deficit of thoughts..

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9 Responses to "Obama to Send Large Shipment of ‘Thoughts and Prayers’ to Texas Flood Victims"


    Dear J.J.

    Wow, do you have your head up your ….er…knickers. Everyone except you knows that what-u-snidely-and-erroneously-call-the-Obama-Care-Phone-Program is the original “Lifeline Assistance program” officially created in 1984 (gee, I wonder which republican idiot was president then) by the Federal Communications Commission in conjunction with the cell phone companies which bears the lion’s share of the cost. Some of the cost is we pay with a small tax added to our cell phone bills…Reagan’s idea.

    Actually, the idea for a phone system for THE ISOLATED ELDERLY floated around for several decades before Reagan. But you know how slow congress is.

    But back to fuckboy you. I hope you can see that Obama had nothing to do with the cell phone “Lifeline” creation, thus certainly could not have created the program to curry votes from “the welfare queens” you are maligning. The real welfare queens are the large corporations which make trillions in profits yet whine for and receive subsidies also known as “corporate welfare.” Then there is republican nut case Michelle Bachmann whose family has lived completely off of gov. subsidies and fed. money for two (!) generations.

    I could go on….but I have wasted enough of my time.

  2. Jon Jarman says:

    Hey Bud, thanks for your feedback. It’s hilarious that you think I’m a republican. You either didn’t actually read the article or you are oblivious to satire, but either way, cheers.

  3. HeartlandLiberal says:

    You realize how satire deficient trolls, especially on the far right , are. You did not mention guns anywhere in the piece, and thus you made it impossible for your average right wing thinker, and I use that term loosely, very loosely, to grasp the intent of your satirical piece. Of course, if you HAD mentioned guns, and made your intent clear, this piece would be inundated with paid trolls of the NRA denouncing your unAmerikun Commie hide. So maybe there is a plus side to the lake of insight into satire on that side of the spectrum.

  4. Frank LaFerriere says:

    But TexASS keeps screaming how Obama is a Muslim, traitor, etc and keeps screaming how it wants to secede from the US. So why should Obama send them anything but thoughts and prayers?

    Oh maybe it is that 2,500 sq mile methane cloud hanging over TexASS and the four corners region. TexASS caused that with all their fracking, methane drilling and oil refineries. Now? They are paying for thinking they could do this to the planet and get away with it.

    Let TexASS seceede. We don’t need them any damn way.

  5. Richard says:

    Governor Abbott called a hasty news conference to reassure all the mouth-breathing, booger-eating knuckle draggers that voted him into office that he WILL continue to push for the State to secede from the Union. “But we can’t be rash,” Abbott said, “we have to make sure all the FEMA checks clear the banks first.”

  6. Melinda says:

    Isn’t it just like Obama to pout and act like a child when he doesn’t get his way. He holds grudges and punishes the American people for acts of nature then treats them like children. Obama can keep his prayers to his angry God, Allah, because they are as empty as his head.

  7. hunter says:


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