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Massive Herpes Outbreak Reported at Coachella

herpes<National Report>  Multiple sources have confirmed a massive outbreak of herpes reported at Coachella.  The multi-day “music” festival held in Indio, California kicked off today as hundreds of thousands of priveleged Southern California kids gathered for a weekend of orgies fueled by an overload of sex, drugs and rock and roll.

National Report’s Chase Logan is on the scene with an exclusive report and had this to say regarding the outbreak, “I’ve never seen anything like it before.  By the time Blur hit the stage I had personally witnessed hundreds of young sluts contracting and spreading herpes”.  Paramedics have asked that every person involved in sexual activity at the festival visit one of the onsite herpes triage centers setup to deal with the massive outbreak.

Initial reports began trickeling in earlier in the day during the Dam-Funk performance and have continued throughout the evening.  As of this report, a large amout of herpes has been spotted spreading around the Jurassic 5 performance leading to major concern amongst parents and concert-goers alike.  The festival will continue through the weekend and is bound to break all records of herpes transmission.

*coincidentally, replacing each reference in this story to “herpes” with “douchbags” or “shitty bands” is also true.

Additional Resources:

LA Times

Watch the Outbreak Spreading Live here

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29 Responses to "Massive Herpes Outbreak Reported at Coachella"

  1. Nigel Covington says:

    Another fine job reporting Chase. Be careful while your in Coachella covering this story, don’t bring anything home you didn’t have before you left. I don’t think its covered under Workers Comp. Have fun!

  2. Chase Logan says:

    Thanks Nigel, if there is one thing these hipsters love it is their herpes. At least there aren’t many of those unbathed Phish kids running around stinking up the joint.

  3. Chase Logan says:

    The rate at which herpes is being spread during Dropkick Murpheys is astounding. Day 2 of the epidemic. Sources have alleged Lindsay Lohan as the original carrier of the outbreak. Be sure to cover your willie and don’t take the brown acid (although the gel tabs seem pretty good).

  4. Chase Logan says:

    UPDATE–The outbreak is far worse than first expected. I have been in touch with CDC and we are working on a full quarentine. Apparently the herpes has gone airborne and is being spread without contact. CDC has suggested crop-dusting these hipsters with pepper spray in order to kill the airborne infection.

    • Nigel Covington says:

      I’m not surprised by this. After Woodstock 69 what did they expect would happen. Hopefully the CDC will round up all these diseased freaks and put them on reservations.

    • Chase Logan says:

      The crop dust is a go, if you are onsite you are about to get a bath (probably the first you have experienced for a while) in pepper spray, things are about to get interesting.

  5. Paul Duane says:

    LOL! Is this The Onion? Sometimes truth is stranger than fiction.

    • Chase Logan says:

      Paul, the Onion reports on stories that are funny. If you find humor in the spreading of herpes than you are as sick as these unbathed hipsters.

  6. Frank Hesh says:

    Spring is in the air!

    • Chase Logan says:

      @Frank, the smell of herpes and marijuana in certainly in the air, but I wouldn’t consider that to be “Spring” so much.

  7. Alex says:

    Chase. You aren’t very smart are you?

    • Chase Logan says:

      @Alex, your wife always says that my light is on by nobody is home which I believe makes me a genius.

  8. Andrew says:

    Hahaha, fantastic reporting. I have averted my trip to Coachella thanks to this.

    • Chase Logan says:

      You will be glad you did Andrew. It is a real shit fest out there in the desert with all the sluts and weed running around.

  9. stacy says:

    Chase, seriously though, you really do have some mental issues, my 10 year old brother can write better articles. Is it even okay to curse that much in an “article” and refer to people as “sluts, and crackheads”. you obviously don’t know how to have a good time and don’t know good music either. And when I say “have a good time” i don’t mean having sex with random strangers and getting high all the time.I think you are just a very jealous low-life scumbag.

    p.s. it is never okay to refer to general public (in this “article” all the females attending a MUSIC festival) as sluts. Have some manners at least, as a graduate of a law school.

    • Allen Montgomery, Publisher says:

      Thanks for your feedback toots. If your brother can write better than Chase, please have him contact me.

  10. lola says:

    ha and ha ha ha! But not as funny as the Onion, sorry!

    to anyone reading this, it’s called Satire. 🙂

  11. Richard Ballbag says:

    I love it when people don’t get satire.

  12. Anon says:

    Umm…. So on this article apparently the coahella-goers are ‘privileged Southern California kids’

    and on this article:


    They are ‘the lowest rung of American society.’?

    Hah, I can already tell I’ll never be visiting this website again. Great reporting. Elitist dickhead

    • Allen Montgomery says:

      What is your point Anon? Different writers have different perspectives, but thanks for your work Sherlock. BTW, NR Nation, Anon can be reached by email at [email protected] (such a fine young man).

      • Wow says:

        Ya know, I’ve come across a lot of douchebags in my day.

        You’re not even good at it.

        This is totally my legit e-mail

        • Allen Montgomery says:

          Very evident you have been around lots of douchebags in your day and I appreciate our compliments on the site. There are billions of others out there that you could be wasting your time on right now. Thanks for stopping by Wow/Anon (such a fine young man, just misguided).

  13. Crack Whore says:

    I gave the herp.

  14. Chase Logan says:

    Thanks for coming forward, it takes a lot of courage. You were fingered as one of the suspects but we were hesitant to point you out in the crowd. If you are at the event this weekend be sure to stop by the National Report tent.

  15. Pauly jam says:

    My herpes from weekend 1 has disappeared I guess I’ll be heading back this weekend to go get me some more, hooray!

  16. Phorbin says:

    Do you have something against Phish kids? At-least the music wouldn’t be shitty!

    • Nicole says:

      I’m 40. I was there- some dude offered me Molly in exchange for going down in me- suggesting a “win win” for

      Me. I promptly literally picked him and thru him out of my camp- some of US are there for music. And we can handle the douche bags pretty well…

  17. Lillian fabricant says:

    As a clinically trained Lady Herpetologist, I feel I must address the missinformation here, before it spreads like ‘the applause’ does at a burning man hayride orgy/gay-touch dusthump/body disposing par-tay.

    An infected hipster is properly referred to as an “herpester”. As a Lady Herpetologist with a capital P-H-D degree in Lady Snake Biology and an associates degree in sociopathobiolickology in Evolutionary Man-Snake Rape Culture and a BS in Cloaca Whacking, I get all kinds of hella Squeema-Jeemies whenever some baked slutdude or ugly-earringed sluttette comes to my practice and all those little snakes start streaming out of all those angry cracked herpes sores riddling their youthful consumptive bodies while they shriek in terror and writhe in agony as the serpents lay egg after egg inside their swelling body cavities until, like a novelty can of spring snakes stuffed into a screwed -lid jar being opened their lumpy mumpy bodies burst explosively and send thousands and thousands of snakes loaded with herpes flying through the air for miles and miles in every direction, disease-laden snakes with only a single shared driving thought: Where is that music coming from, I hope he/she is a hottie!

*DISCLAIMER: National Report is a news and political satire web publication, which may or may not use real names, often in semi-real or mostly fictitious ways. All news articles contained within National Report are fiction, and presumably fake news. Any resemblance to the truth is purely coincidental. Advice given is NOT to be construed as professional. If you are in need of professional help, please consult a professional. National Report is not intended for children under the age of 18.