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BREAKING: Bristol Palin Struck by Semi

Photo by Gage Skidmore Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 2.0 Generic (CC BY-SA 2.0)

Photo by Gage Skidmore Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 2.0 Generic (CC BY-SA 2.0)

Wasilla, AK – Bristol Palin is home resting comfortably after being struck by a semi late Friday night. The 25-year-old unwed mother of two was reportedly broadsided outside Krazy Moose Subs near the intersection of E Herning Ave and N Boundary St in her hometown of Wasilla, Alaska. She was taken to a local medical facility where she was treated and released.

Police are on the lookout for the owner of the semi after he allegedly fled the scene. When help finally did arrive, Bristol was conscious but deeply shaken. She described the suspect as a thirty something white male with tattoos and a man bun.

Details are sketchy, but here’s what we know. Bristol had just returned to Wasilla after spending Thursday and Friday sightseeing with second ex-fiancé Dakota Meyer and their five-month-old daughter, Sailor Grace. The quasi-family were out celebrating the judgment of $61, 915.20 in back child support levied against first ex-fiancé Levi Johnson.

Eileen Ulick, who lives adjacent to Krazy Moose Subs, said she witnessed Bristol being T-boned by a white, average size semi shortly before midnight. “I heard loud banging noises outside my living room window,” said Mrs. Ulick, “and saw the Palin girl lying on the sidewalk. I immediately called for help.”

It is still unclear what the daughter of conservative superstar Sarah Palin was doing outside the Krazy Moose after hours, and as of press time, Mama Grizzly isn’t talking. According to locals, Bristol is known to frequent the area from time to time with a male drifter known only as “Limpy.”

All attempts to locate Limpy have so far been unsuccessful. If you have any information regarding his identification or current whereabouts, please contact your local authorities.

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4 Responses to "BREAKING: Bristol Palin Struck by Semi"

  1. Alex says:

    Why are the “authorities” looking for “Limpy?”

  2. Neo says:

    Would’ve been no great loss.

  3. Name says:

    “Limpy” is Heidi Cruz’s “shows up in the emergency room at 2 am after falling down the stairs wink wink” pseudonymous name.
    By mere coincidence, rather than by tribalism,
    “Limpy” is also Todd Palin’s “shows up in the emergency room at 2 am after TV-remote mauling by a mama grizzly wink wink” pseudonymous name.

  4. Jacki says:

    Alhgirt alright alright that’s exactly what I needed!

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