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Boy Scouts Announce Boobs Merit Badge

Identifying the different types of boobs is a requirement for the Boob Merit Badge. These are flannel boobs.

Identifying the different types of boobs is a requirement for the Boob Merit Badge. These are plaid flannel boobs.

(National Report) – The Boy Scouts of America are beta testing a new Breasts merit badge for scouts. The badge, to be rolled out in 2014, is expected to be popular. Boob Badges will be an Eagle scout requirement starting January 1, 2015.

While many scouts have expressed giddy excitement about the new badge, scouting isn’t just about gawking at breasts.

Scouting develops serious life skills by coaching young men to delve deeply into a subject’s foundations as well as teaching scouts to self-educate and master common subjects for later success as a straight male. Also, gays don’t like boobies.

The Boob Badge is seen by many as a response to calls from the media to abandon the organization’s exclusion of LBGT scouts and scoutmasters. Of course that isn’t the case, since most scouts have a lifelong interest in breasts and boobs. It isn’t discrimination if homosexuals don’t like boobies.
boob badge

Boob Merit Badge Requirements

To earn a Boob Badge, candidates must complete the following tasks and at least one element from the two categories below.

  • Explain and demonstrate the meaning of “motorboating”.
  • Name three characteristic that distinguish real boobies from fake boobies.
  • Explain how the breast kingdom is classified. Explain where boobs fit in each classification by breast size and nipple type (puffy, pert and soulless stare). Classify three boobies found in the wild.
This young Webalo is well on his way to earning that Boob Badge and becoming an Eagle Scout in 2030.

This young Webalo is well on his way to earning that Boob Badge and becoming an Eagle Scout in 2030.

Do ONE of the following:

a. Spend three hours in each of two different kinds of natural habitats (breastaurants, topless beaches, day spas, undergarment fitting rooms) or at different elevations studying boobs. List the different boobs species you identified by sight or sign. Tell why all boobs do not live in the same kind of habitat.

b. Spend three hours on each of five days on at least a 25-acre area (about the size of 3 1/2 football fields). Use this field study to survey the sweater boobs, t-shirt boobs, shy boobs and others with special attention to braless boobies. Record your observations and construct a histogram with appropriate analysis.

c. From study and reading, write a simple pamphlet on how to determine cup size by both sight and hand.

Do ONE of the following:

a. Under the guidance of a boobie master or parent, make two plaster casts of boobies.

b. Take good pictures of two kinds of boobies in the wild. Record light conditions, film used, exposure, and other factors, including notes on the activities (volleyball, trampoline).

c. Explain why boobies are important to straight men and babies.

d. Write a report of 500 words on a magazine dedicated to Boobies.

These scouts are not intimidated by the Boob Badge requirements.

These scouts are not intimidated by the Boob Badge requirements.

The study of any subject results in a deeper meaning and purpose for life.

Studying homosexuality is dangerous, since distinctions between pederasts and adult same sex relationships are confusing. While some will blame this on the media’s preoccupation with heterosexual female teachers having sex with underage students, banning homosexuals from leadership or scouting is the only solution the organization can “reasonably” implement in an effort to keep kids safe.

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45 Responses to "Boy Scouts Announce Boobs Merit Badge"

  1. Manfred Peregrine says:

    Back when I was still connected with the gay mafia I knew some members who liked to spend their summers as camp councelors. I would say 9/10 of them did it to watch the boys with vulgar intent. I know what homosexuals are capable of and they absolutely cannot be trusted.

    • Nigel Covington says:

      Mandred, I enjoyed this story but was not clear on the intent behind the BOOBS Badge as far as the Boy Scouts of America (BSA) are concerned. I like the badge and the work the scouts will have to do through their research on Boobs in order to get the badge. But is the BSA doing this to exclude gay scouts, or will they get to do a similar study on balls?

      Truthfully when I was involved with Scouting most of us boys could figure out who the closeted gay scouts were. It was pretty common for the older boys to compete to see who got to sleep in tents with the gay scouts. Having a bum-boy in your tent was a sure score.

      • jay west says:

        no sorry nigel, no balls badge yet. it took this long to get the boob one going, lets see where this takes us

        • Barbara Bagwell says:

          There isn’t a “Water Badge” but there are Canoeing and Swimming badges. Boobs are an activity, like bird watching, whereas balls are like good friends. Balls are like water, a medium for activities.

          I would think Balls requirements would be included in the International Scouting Scratching badge and of course the Body Manipulation Badge (which is only offered in Southeast Asia).

          The Boobs badge is currently only being beta tested in the US. If the requirements are sustainable as fundamental skills then it might lead to more badges like Nigel suggests.

      • Jessie says:

        The boy scouts are fucked and really sad I’d never let my son be apert of retarded biggots

        • HeilGrammar says:

          Would you let him join a school so his spelling and grammar are not as atrocious as yours?

          • Knick says:

            Would you let him join a school(,) so (that) his spelling and grammar (is) not as atrocious as yours?

            Go back to school?

          • Jay says:


            the two subjects ARE spelling AND grammar. when there are two or more subjects this is called plural and words like are, they, them, are used.


          • RC says:

            @Knick: Your correction from “are” to “is” is wrong. The use of “and” makes the use of “are” correct. Your other corrections are valid.

        • Jerry says:

          I wouldn’t let them it becuase of the Gays.

      • Ken says:

        I bet you were popular in that regard Nigel 😉

    • Drew says:

      Much like heterosexual men. They like women, therefore they must like girls.

      “connected with the gay mafia” lol.

      if you saw behaviour like that and did nothing- then you are as morally guilty as they.

      • Lillian Fabricant says:

        Where are holding this party, can I be bring devilled eggs, ergo eggelets?

    • Michele says:

      Manfred, you are a complete idiot. Gay Mafia? Camp? Vulgar Intent? Can’t be trusted? This describes no homosexual person that I know and I know several. You are scum…..pure scum. Now we truly know why YOU went to camp…..asshole!!!!!

  2. Art says:

    I think this may create an uptick in boyscout applicants. Great Idea!

  3. bc says:

    could someone quote the source this information came from as i can find no other reference than this ridiculous article

    • Manfred Peregrine says:

      When you’re on the cutting edge, as we at the National Report are, you often times catch a story before all the “bigger” news stations decide to run it. So it’s of no surprise to us that this headline hasn’t made it to your dusty shack, hidden away deep in the Rocky Mountains somewhere. Or that you can’t find any other references to it online. Thank you.

      • bc says:

        Mannie!, i feel privileged that you have responded to me personally

        may i congratulate you and your, what do you call him? ‘platonic life partner’

        for being so cutting edge and super smart that you attempted to protest a funeral

        Remind me, what was the outcome? oh yes, the beat you up and shoved a pole up your arse!!!!! something that brought back some good memories for you i’m sure.

        As for your cutting edge reporting i find it closer to propaganda than news of any description

        And frankly you are the reason i have such a disdain for much organised religion

        Finally as for my ‘dusty shack’ i write to you from my company headquarters in London. You see Manfred you are not talking to a ‘hick’ or fool but an educated man in both Christianity and science and i believe you to be the fool

        I look forward to hearing from you

        • Manfred Peregrine says:

          Oh, then you must run some low rent brothel out of the back of your RV… Okay. It’s just good to see where our readers are coming from. It seems most of the people replying are of lower cast systems than what we’re use to here at National Report. I do however applaud you for getting back out there and earning your GED! It takes a real man to fess up to being unable to complete high school!

          • bc says:

            Again LONDON!! that’s in England. the original London. As for my education i think you will find you are now making yourself look foolish. my previous comment only states that i have indeed been privileged to have a good education, something i feel you may have been denied judging by your ‘work’ and i use that term in the loosest possible sense. i will give you a chance to rebuttal and we will see if there is a glimmer of intelligence within you

          • Manfred Peregrine says:

            Start holding your breath, BC, and I promise to get back to you shortly.

          • Knick says:

            It will only let me reply so far into this conversation it would seem. I would like to show support for BC on this matter as I can easily determine that Manfred is quite that back alley blowjob queen judging from his homophobic and hate crime comments listed above. Thank you bc for being an educated voice on this matter.

        • Lillian Fabricant says:

          Why do so many british women have enormous racks instead of human teeth? Why is there so much horse DNA in the blood and saliva of the English Upper Classes? Gross!

          I think Manfred should put that pole up for sale on Ebay…seems like everyone who doesn’t know him simply CAN’T stop thinking about it and talking about it and probably imagining sniffing it when no one is looking, or if maybe A LOT of people are looking, Hellfire Club-style!

          The Q factor on that pole is through the roof, and I sense an untapped pent-up demanding market that is direly underserviced, one that won’t bottom out on you longtime, not after a couple of drinks and a ride home to their council flat…

        • Jessie says:

          Your sad hate comments do make u seem very intelligent

    • Mark says:

      I too, smell a skunk here. I believe this story to be totally fabricated.

  4. Jason Gadacz says:

    Cutting edge? Really? Give me a break

  5. Ora Lee says:

    You have no idea how happy I and my 15 year old son – are knowing that the BSA is doing their part to encourage traditional heterosexuality in the ranks . I personally can’t wait to make a plaster model of Loni Anderson’s breasts with my son this very weekend. We don’t get to spend much time together, you see.

    • Bryce says:

      I think that’s an excellent idea, but only if you tape a picture of Manfred’s face to the model.

      • Barbara Bagwell says:

        Hi Bryce, not to interject myself in a public discussion, but Manfred’s face would like one boob not two. The requirements clearly states boobs, meaning two. It seems the singularity of a single boob is not acceptable to boob scholarship.

        Just trying to help!

    • Knick says:

      I would enter an intelligent response to your linear state of mind but I fear it would be lost on you by now. Just know that your 15 year old son will be very confused in the new world that awaits us. Also, on a personal message to you as a caring mother, PUT YOUR KID UP FOR ADOPTION SO IT MIGHT HAVE A CHANCE TO LIVE WITH A FAMILY THAT TEACHES IT HOW TO THINK AND NOT WHAT TO THINK. Thanks. 🙂 Buh bye.

  6. Lillian Fabricant says:

    Those boy scouts ought to be earning badges for weaving bras out of bark strips and sticky sap! Don’t they have mothers? Boys with two mothers are probably so sick of boobs they’ll never want to see touch think about or feel another. SAD.

  7. Miles Starr says:

    We’ll I’m glad that I got to see an article on here that is clearly 100% BS so I can stop following. While this is all silly tabloid material, and Manfred, I’m sure that you didn’t get moshed into a body cast, and I hope that you have posted your real face as your pic here so that one day a Slayer fan will recognize you and properly send you to the hospital. While you probably wrote your article on Jeff Hanneman as a joke, it was almost completely untrue and beyond disrespectful. I though disrespecting the dead was unacceptable in all cultures. I sincerely hope you get your’s sooner than later.

    • Lillian Fabricant says:

      Disrespecting the dead is totally trending dawg, oh my yes wordy-uppy! Check out some metal concerts, holocaust deniers, try to bury a terrorist, order an Obama Killdummy that bleeds real blood when you shoot it. Many Thanks to all the Slayer fans devoted to RESPECT for their hero’s memory if not the civil liberties or physical well being of any who don’t like broken broom-haired Satan Ditty de-composers!

  8. theoneandonlee says:

    I have known several gay men who love boobs, it’s the vagina they aren’t too keen on.

    • Lillian Fabricant says:

      Bird-seed boobs are no substitute for the real thing, unless you like having little peckers all over them throughout the frigid winter, of my discontinence. But those beavery squirrels, with their grabby little hands and mouths full of nuts? NO THANKS!

    • Jessie says:

      Good one 🙂

  9. Hi

    We’re doing an online magazine about camping/hiking/biking/canoeing and we shared this page to our followers on facebook, because I found it funny.

    I’m surprised by the big number of people contacting me to protest and to have me remove the link, who are threatening me, and feel shocked by this article. A lot of people have “unliked” our page.

    I just don’t get it.

    How can’t you feel more concerned by the way BSA treat young gay people than by this joke ?

    Are we in 2013 or are we back in the 50’s ?!

    • Barbara Bagwell says:

      First, thanks for reading the article. Second, WOW on keeping it on your fb page. I’m honored you find the article amusing and worthy of repeating.

      Also, if this is the most shocking thing some of these readers have seen on the internet, they haven’t been paying attention. Perhaps their mothers didn’t breastfeed properly. Or maybe they were smothered with hugs from a large bosomed aunt. Many people have boob fear and hopefully we can be sympathetic to their plight, but would anyone want to camp in the woods with people like that?

      I was only a Brownie in the Girl Scouts and frankly I quit after several of the girls threw up all over the place on Flag Day after receiving our Brownie pins “because they were nervous.” Really, who wants to pal around with sad people that are fearful of everything?

      Again, I’m proud and support your decision. Also, thank you again for finding this informative and amusing.

      Take Care,

      Barabara Bagwell

      PS – I love camping and fishing. We are off to the New River Gorge and then a sweet spot off from the Monongalia State Park this week.

  10. chaka let starfish says:

    be cool if they had a titty fucking badge. i would splooge all over those milk makers

  11. John Castle says:

    Not quite The Onion, but this here’s some damn fine satire work, Lou.

  12. Dutch says:

    Well, after this story I have to say that I can never take anything this site publishes seriously anymore.

  13. brandon says:

    I honestly this is a crock of bullshit lol

  14. Oooh La La! Oh to be an American boy!

  15. Norman Lee says:

    Scouting used to be so innocent =A= llll

*DISCLAIMER: National Report is a news and political satire web publication, which may or may not use real names, often in semi-real or mostly fictitious ways. All news articles contained within National Report are fiction, and presumably fake news. Any resemblance to the truth is purely coincidental. Advice given is NOT to be construed as professional. If you are in need of professional help, please consult a professional. National Report is not intended for children under the age of 18.