< Boston, MA > A visibly emotionally moved Robert Craft got down on one knee in tearful thanks before the low level bureaucrat from Moscow who travelled to Boston to return to him the 4.94 carat, 124-diamond studded jeweled ring he claims was mistakenly taken from him by Russian Leader Vladimir Putin. Mr. Putin has said that the ring has caused him too much embarrassment to keep, and sent it back, along with a private note, the contents of which have not yet been released and which Mr. Craft tore into tiny shreds immediately after receiving and reading it at the Massachuset’s Governor’s Mansion. The ring was returned during a drinks reception for several more important dignitaries being held in Boston, who had gathered for a summit dealing with relaxing international visa considerations for graduate students enrolled in doctorate programs in the
Maths and Sciences.
After kissing the ring cupped in his hands and bowing his head in silence for a moment, the owner of the Patriot’s, The football team many Bostonians believe is the greatest franchise to have participated in their division of the sport ever, rose solemnly to his feet and said that “This chapter of Russio-American negotiations is now closed, like the chapter of one of them long, difficult, anxiety-ridden book that, um, one wishes he had never been given”, and went on to say, observing the ring, that “The diamonds seemed a far paler blue than the ones I remembered piercing my vision that first night I saw thems”, he said referring to when he first encountered the sparkling trophy ring, presumably upon winning them for the Superbowl competition. ”I’m glad and grateful for the return of this Superbowl ring, which belongs to all Americans, first and foremost, after me. God Bless America!”
A spokesperson for Mr. Putin, Natalya Dibrimova, said that the ring was being returned because the furor it was generating was complicating the ongoing negotiations between the United States and Russian Governments heading into the G20 conference, which have been notable this year due to an increase in tensions between the two nations. In addition to that, there was a wish to avoid continued hysterical coverage in the press over the contentious human rights issues currently causing unnecessary distractions that risk overshadowing the discussions, which are primarily the result of the new anti-homosexual, pro-straight baby/child protection legislation that has recently been put in place, as well as fears of a particularly cruisy, protest-driven extra-gay Olympics, one that may possibly overburden Russia’s underfunded detention system (which is relative puny and underdeveloped when compared to America’s robust prison industry), when the 2014 Winter Games begin at Sochi in January.
Ms. Dibrimova also mentioned that Mr. Putin, who is fond of impressive, intimidating jewelry,had decided upon closer examination and evaluation of the quality of the stones and workmanship,”that he simply felt that the ring was too gay for him to be seen wearing, especially in light of the current laws passed criminalizing any show of support or solidarity with the abominable subset of humanity threatening the Russian way of life through it’s perversion of the natural order of men having sex on women only.” said Ms. Dibrimova, who added, “There were also just too many phone calls, coming in at all hours, keeping Mr. Putin from getting to important tasks, and so in the end he felt it was easier just to return the gaudy bauble to Mr. Craft, and move on.”