By Casssidy Pen, TNReport Sports Reporter
Major League Baseball-Dodgers Desecrate Chase Field Pool
<Chase Field, AZ> The Los Angeles Trolley-Dodgers, formally of Brooklyn, NY, clinched the National Baseball League Western Division Championship with a win over Arizona. The fans and management of the Diamondbacks Organization expressed disgust over the Dodgers’ players celebration in the swimming pool located beyond the right field fence. Diamondback management has issued a press release condemning the celebration as a humiliating desecration of their honored water attraction. From eyewitness reports, this is certainly the case. Dodger players have admitted urinating in the pool and a floater was left behind. Expect Yasiel Puig to be the target of a bean ball war next time the teams meet.
College Football-Ducks Uniforms, the Ugly Truth
<Eugene, OR> It has come to light that the fabulous jersey designs sported by the University of Oregon Ducks Football Team were designed by French LGBT Fashion designer Yves Jauques Peirre. A University Spokesperson, dressed in ass-less chaps with a red and florescent green striped top has told me as much. “Esvee shook the world when he brought his inventive and creative style to our great university. It took much prodding and persuasion to convince the athletic department to don those muscular men in these works of art for their mean old football games, the brutes.” Oregon is highly ranked this year and look to reach the final championship game with their flamboyantly colored ensemble creating a self assured air of confidence and striking allure as admitted by opponents and spectators alike.
NASCAR Auto Racing-NASCAR’s Danica Patrick Wrecks Field Asking For Directions
<Watkins Glen, NH> NASCAR Driver Danica Patrick, racing full time in her first season for the classic Sprint Cup stock car series, recently collected 14 cars along with her own ride at the Watkins Glen Speedway in upstate New Hampshire. Unfamiliar with the course, she stopped near turn six to ask directions from a track safety official. Before the man could direct the #10 car toward the finish line, she was rear-ended (heh heh) by A. J. Allmendinger, whose car then crashed into Clint Bower’s Toyota setting off a chain reaction that caused an immediate course red flag, halting the race for over two hours before the wreckage could be cleared. Jeff Gordon suffered a broken ankle in the scrap. Amazingly, other than that, there were only minor injuries. NASCAR is weighing punitive actions against Ms. Patrick which include a possible point reduction and race suspension.