02082016Headline:
TRUMP_SHOOTING

Trump Campaign Looking for Volunteer to be Shot

HALSTON, IOWA — Donald Trump’s presidential campaign is “actively engaged” in trying to find a volunteer to be shot by the billionaire reality TV star and current Republican presidential front runner in the wake of Trump [...]
Photo by DonkeyHotey via Flickr Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic (CC BY 2.0)

Ted Nugent to Release New ‘Greatest Shits’ Collection

Detroit, MI – County fair rocker Ted Nugent is set to release a new ‘Greatest Shits’ collection, which will focus primarily on his most repugnant of spoken turd engagements. Recorded at various talk radio stations and other right-wing [...]
MILITIA_BEER_RUN

Oregon Militia Squatter Awarded Silver Cross For Beer Run

BURNS, OREGON — His legend grows as Oregon First Militia Private Corporal Master Chief Grant Ryan continued his historic and valiant performance in the Great Burns Oregon Squatting, earning himself his second medal of recognition from [...]
LAPIERRE_CARE_PACKAGE

Wayne LaPierre Sends Care Package of Cookies, Guns, Ammo to Oregon Militia Squatters

BURNS, OREGON — NRA Executive Vice-President Wayne LaPierre has made no bones in the past about his distrust of the federal government. After many of the mass shootings that have taken place during President Barack Obama’s two presidential [...]
panda

Rocker/Activist Ted Nugent, 67, Shoots Beloved Panda

CRAWFORD, Tex. – Rocker/activist Ted Nugent is just one of the millions swept up in the “Find The Panda” craze, but Texas authorities say the hunting rights advocate took things a step too far. Some people who can’t find the panda [...]
SYRIAN_WAR_ZONE

Refugee Happy He Fled Syrian War Zone to Live in American War Zone

SMITHVILLE, ARKANSAS — When Ammar Abdul Malouf, 32, stepped off the plane that had taken him from Newark to Little Rock, he said he “knew he was home” within just minutes. Malouf is a Syrian-born refugee that came to the United [...]
YOUNG_REPUB_SAN_BERDOO

Republican ‘Relieved’ San Bernardino Shooters Had ‘Muslim-esque’ Names

SAN GUERRA, CALIFORNIA — Chuck Buelow is a 31 year old self-described “conservative Republican,” though he say she’d “easily denounce the GOP if a more conservative party formed.” Being a Republican, he says [...]
LAPIERRE_NRA_HQ

Wayne LaPierre Says U.S. Just ‘200 Million More Guns Away’ From Ending Gun Violence

FAIRFAX, VIRGINIA — Outside the National Rifle Association’s headquarters in Virginia, NRA executive Vice-President Wayne LaPierre held a press conference early Thursday morning, just hours after the most deadly mass shooting since [...]
(AP Photo/David Goldman)

BREAKING: ‪#‎thoughtsandprayers‬ Bring Two San Bernardino Shooting Victims Back to Life

San Bernardino, CA – In what can only be described as divine intervention, two San Bernardino shooting victims that were pronounced dead by the SBC deputy coroner yesterday, have suddenly come back to life, lowering the body count down to [...]
By Herkie (Flickr) [CC BY-SA 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

Machete Wielding Lunatic Slices Through NRA Center

17 people hacked up at National Rifle Association Center in Boulder, CO BOULDER CO – A suspected Anti-2nd Amendment hatchet-man was arrested Friday after hacking up a Boulder, CO NRA Center with a machete and other blade weapons, wounding [...]
(AP Photo/Charles Krupa)

Oath Keepers Vow to Protect Planned Parenthood Clinics Nationwide

The Oath Keepers, the controversial volunteer militia group, has vowed to protect Planned Parenthood clinics nationwide following the recent terrorist attack at a Colorado Springs Planned Parenthood which left three innocent Americans dead, [...]
NRA_FANTASY_PIECE

NRA Executive: Promoting Civil War Fantasy Piece Was ‘Just a Suggestion, Not a Warning’

FAIRFAX, VIRGINIA — While controversy brews over an op-ed that The National Rifle Association promoted on its various social media platforms that fantasized about agents of the “radical left” being executed after a Civil War [...]
BULLETPROOF_SCHOOLS

Congress to Consider Funding for Bulletproof Schools In Response to School Shootings

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the wake of the 45th school shooting this year, sources on The Hill say that several members of congress have “gotten the message,” as one staffer put it, and are considering several courses of action [...]
GOD_GUNS_MASS_SHOOTINGS

God: I’m Too Busy to Stop All The Gun Violence in America, Try Some New Laws

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — At a press conference held outside the Pearly Gates truck stop on Highway Infinity in the Kingdom of Heaven, Larry “God” Schumway told heavenly reporters that he is unable to solve the American gun [...]
Leading Conservatives Attend 40th Annual CPAC

Wayne LaPierre Calculating Body Count Needed to Do Something About Access to Guns

FAIRFAX, VIRGINIA — National Rifle Association Executive Vice-President Wayne LaPierre told reporters at a press conference early this week that he will be locking himself away in a secluded cabin in the Appalachian mountain range with [...]
(AP Photo/Mark Humphrey)

Following Oregon Shooting, NRA Backs Mandatory Gun Ownership

FAIRFAX, VA – In the wake of the killing of students at Umpqua Community College in Roseburg, OR, there have been calls from many people to enact gun control measures in an effort to prevent future tragedies. But the National Rifle Association [...]