02252017Headline:

Obama Wants To Be A ‘Private Sector Gun Grabber’ When He Leaves Office

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The days in President Barack Hussein Obama’s (D-Kenya) presidency are dwindling, and aides close to the first black president are saying he’s been thinking long and hard about what he’ll do once he [...]

Trump to Nominate Chris Christie to Supreme Food Court

TRUMP TOWER – President-Elect Donald J. Trump has reportedly assured NJ Governor Chris Christie that, despite recent reports, he has not been banished from his inner circle, and will nominate the Bridgegate behemoth to the Supreme Food Court. “Mr. [...]

Man Starts GoFundMe To Pay For Islamic-Americans’ Concealed Carry Permits

GLEN SPRINGS, CALIFORNIA — When Capt. John Fortsmith retired from the army in 2012 he had no plans to do anything political. Fortsmith considers himself a moderate, having voted for both Republicans and Democrats in presidential elections [...]
pence

Gov. Mike Pence Will “Make America Straight Again” as Trump’s VP

INDIANAPOLIS, Ind. — Indiana Gov. Mike Pence vowed to “Make America Straight Again,” moments after news of his probable choice as Donald Trump’s running mate was leaked to major media outlets. Pence will be the first Republican [...]

President Obama Says He Fears ‘Becoming A Lame Duck Gun Grabber’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Barack Hussein Obama (D-Kenya) told the press over the weekend that as his administration’s tenure runs out, he’s growing increasingly concerned about “not completing one of Lord Soros’ [...]

Weather Channel To Start Including Local Mass Shooting Forecasts in U.S. Broadcasts

ATLANTA, GEORGIA — The Weather Channel announced late this week that will start including hourly, daily, and weekly mass shooting forecasts in their local weather segments they broadcast. The move comes in response to the fact that, as [...]

Wayne LaPierre Shoots and Kills Thoughts and Prayers That Accidentally Wandered Onto His Property

FAIRFAX, VIRGINIA — Law enforcement authorities in Virginia this morning announced that they’d responded to a 911 call late Wednesday night that came from the residence of NRA Executive Vice-President Wayne LaPierre. What they found, [...]

Florida Rape Victim Skirts Waiting Period and Performs Her Own Abortion With An AR-15

LAGO DEL DESESPERACIÓN, FLORIDA — Back in April of this year, 28 year old nurse and Florida resident Jane Sampson was raped while walking home after working a late shift at St. Mary’s Hospital. To her utter shock and dismay, [...]

NRA Member Praises “Good Guy With A Gun” In Cincinnati

“We really dodged a bullet on Saturday, pun not intended of course,” said proud NRA member Thomas Ripley of La Grange, OH on a now deleted Facebook post. “If it wasn’t for that ‘good guy with a gun’, not [...]

Trump Campaign Looking for Volunteer to be Shot

HALSTON, IOWA — Donald Trump’s presidential campaign is “actively engaged” in trying to find a volunteer to be shot by the billionaire reality TV star and current Republican presidential front runner in the wake of Trump [...]

Ted Nugent to Release New ‘Greatest Shits’ Collection

Detroit, MI – County fair rocker Ted Nugent is set to release a new ‘Greatest Shits’ collection, which will focus primarily on his most repugnant of spoken turd engagements. Recorded at various talk radio stations and other right-wing [...]

Oregon Militia Squatter Awarded Silver Cross For Beer Run

BURNS, OREGON — His legend grows as Oregon First Militia Private Corporal Master Chief Grant Ryan continued his historic and valiant performance in the Great Burns Oregon Squatting, earning himself his second medal of recognition from [...]

Wayne LaPierre Sends Care Package of Cookies, Guns, Ammo to Oregon Militia Squatters

BURNS, OREGON — NRA Executive Vice-President Wayne LaPierre has made no bones in the past about his distrust of the federal government. After many of the mass shootings that have taken place during President Barack Obama’s two presidential [...]

Refugee Happy He Fled Syrian War Zone to Live in American War Zone

SMITHVILLE, ARKANSAS — When Ammar Abdul Malouf, 32, stepped off the plane that had taken him from Newark to Little Rock, he said he “knew he was home” within just minutes. Malouf is a Syrian-born refugee that came to the United [...]