Ted Cruz Fires Back: ‘Ann Coulter’s Not A Natural Born Blonde; I’ve Seen Dick Pics’

CEDAR RAPIDS, Iowa. – While answering questions about his citizenship, Texas Sen. Ted Cruz responded to Ann Coulter’s charge that he is not a “natural-born citizen,” by issuing a charge of his own: Coulter is not a natural-born [...]

Daesh Uses Trump’s Wife in Recruitment Porn

The radical Islamic terrorist group Daesh made headlines last week when they started using billionaire real estate mogul Donald J. Trump in recruitment videos. Trump is the current leader in the Republican Party’s field of candidates [...]

Ted Cruz Backs Constitutional Amendment Repealing Women’s Suffrage

LAND POLE, IOWA — Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX), made waves last week when he pledged support to a right-wing, anti-abortion group’s proposed Constitutional amendment that would establish “personhood” as beginning at conception, [...]

Donald Trump Lists ‘Fucking Your Mom’ as Only New Year’s Resolution

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Claiming to be in a “festivial and happy” mood, Donald J. Trump — the billionaire real estate mogul and former reality-TV star that is currently the Republican presidential front runner — gave reporters [...]
UN Palestinians Congress

Confused Lindsey Graham Staffer Didn’t Know Campaign Was Still Going

FLAT GROVE, SOUTH CAROLINA — When Lincoln McTavish got word that his position with Senator Lindsey Graham’s (R-SC) presidential effort was coming to end as Graham was suspending the campaign altogether, he was “incredibly [...]

Ted Cruz Wants to Replace Donald Trump as the GOP’s Leading Douche

HARRISON, IOWA — Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) took his campaign to Iowa over the weekend, after new polling showed the evangelical, Canadian born conservative has overtaken long time front runner, billionaire Donald J. Trump in the Hawkeye [...]
(AP Photo/David Zalubowski)

Ben Carson Proposes Universal Background Checks For Gum Purchases

BALTIMORE, Md. – Retired pediatric neurosurgeon Ben Carson called for universal background checks for gum purchases, breaking away from all other Republican candidates – and the NRA – on the issue. “This is a topic that literally [...]
(AP Photo/Mark Humphrey)

Trump’s Campaign Only Meant To Be A Reality Show, Says Insider

NEW YORK, N.Y. – A former Trump campaign insider, frustrated with what she called “my part in the ongoing charade,” admitted on Monday what some critics have believed from the start; the entire Donald Trump presidential campaign [...]
Republican 2016 U.S. presidential candidate businessman Donald Trump pauses at his podium during the first official Republican presidential candidates debate of the 2016 U.S. presidential campaign in Cleveland

Donald Trump Demands ‘Non-Stop Oral’ For CNN Debate Appearance

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — At a press conference earlier this week, billionaire mogul and current Republican presidential front runner Donald J. Trump told reporters that he was “adding some stuff” to his list of demands that CNN [...]
(AP Photo/Julio Cortez)

Chris Christie Fails To Clinch Ben & Jerry’s Endorsement

WATERBURY, Vt. – New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, “stoked” after his endorsement by the New Hampshire Union Leader, traveled to Vermont, hoping to snag another Northeast region seal of approval:  the crucial Ben & Jerry’s [...]
(AP Photo/Charles Krupa)

Trump Dismisses ‘Dump Trump’ Plan: ‘I Did Nazi That Coming’

COLUMBUS, Ohio – RNC officials, convinced that Donald Trump’s damage to the Republican brand is now beyond repair, took steps to formally remove the real estate mogul from the ballot. Trump Card LLC, created by GOP consultants, hopes [...]
(AP Photo/Steve Helber)

Ben Carson Caught on Hot Mic Calling Trump Northern White RINO

PAHRUMP, Nev. – Presidential candidate Ben Carson was caught on a hot mic calling Donald Trump “a Northern White RINO” while prepping for a rally in central Nevada. Carson reportedly made the comparison after reading that one [...]

Priebus Peeved Town Turd Polisher Didn’t Polish His Turds Enough

LAKE LARMES-SALÉES, WISCONSIN — This has not been a week to remember for Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus. On Wednesday, Priebus watched his party’s most recent primary debate on CNBC, and he was not pleased [...]
(AP Photo/Mark Humphrey)

Donald Trump: “My New Employees Will All Carry Guns”

BOULDER, Colo. – During Wednesday’s GOP debate, Donald Trump said that he would possibly feel more comfortable if his employees brought guns to work. According to reports, Trump will now extend hiring preference to job applicants who [...]
(AP Photo/Gerald Herbert)

Bobby Jindal Launches GoFundMe for Bus Ticket to Next Debate

NEW ORLEANS, La. – Gov. Bobby Jindal’s campaign for the Republican nomination has hit a major financial snag, necessitating the launch of a GoFundMe campaign to cover basic travel expenses. Jindal spent nearly a quarter million more dollars [...]

Tea Party/GOP Establishment Set Rules for Upcoming Rumble Over Speakership

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Republican Party’s in-fighting over who should replace outgoing Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-CA) has reached a fever pitch, and word on the Hill is that the two main factions of the GOP’s Civil [...]