Letters to the Editor

Dear Nigel, I truly enjoyed reading your article on family values, which prompted me to write you for advice about my youngest daughter who’ll turn 14 years-old next March. I was raised in a close-knit family with traditional Christian [...]

Florida Rape Victim Skirts Waiting Period and Performs Her Own Abortion With An AR-15

LAGO DEL DESESPERACIÓN, FLORIDA — Back in April of this year, 28 year old nurse and Florida resident Jane Sampson was raped while walking home after working a late shift at St. Mary’s Hospital. To her utter shock and dismay, [...]

Canada Offers to Build Wall Around Bristol Palin’s Vaginal Cavity

TORONTO – A northern firestorm erupted earlier today when an off-the-record comment made by Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was leaked to the outside press. During an interview with the CBC Thursday morning, Trudeau made what some [...]

Ted Cruz Backs Constitutional Amendment Repealing Women’s Suffrage

LAND POLE, IOWA — Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX), made waves last week when he pledged support to a right-wing, anti-abortion group’s proposed Constitutional amendment that would establish “personhood” as beginning at conception, [...]

Netflix Teams with Planned Parenthood for ‘Netflix and Pill’ Campaign

Los Gatos, CA – In an effort to capitalize on the popular catch phrase “Netflix and chill,” the movie streaming giant Netflix announced today they are teaming up with Planned Parenthood to promote birth control awareness in the hopes [...]

Out of Gravy, Carly Fiorina Uses Blood of Planned Parenthood Victims For Thanksgiving Leftovers

MASON NECK, VIRGINIA — Not more than a few hours after she told Fox News that any attempts to hold her accountable for her anti-Planned Parenthood rhetoric in the wake of a man’s armed assault against one of the low-cost healthcare [...]

Local Republican ‘Tremendously Upset’ Colorado Planned Parenthood Shooter Not Muslim

BEDFORD, TENNESEE — Calvin Ryan is a 42-year old self-described “conservative Republican.” Ryan runs a couple of right-wing Facebook pages that he says are “fact-based takedowns of libtard ideas.” On one of his [...]

Tons of Morons Have Wasted $10 Million Donating To Another Moron’s Presidential Campaign

Representatives from the Ben Carson 2016 campaign are positively beaming. According to records released by the campaign, the neurosurgeon took in about $10 million in donations for the month of October. While that number is down about $2 million [...]

Local Republican Can’t Wait to Share His Awful Views of Rape, Incest With You

LAKE CHAUVIN, FLORIDA — Lance Westmund is a 52-year-old self-described Born-Again Christian, Republican, gun owner, and current line cook at the local Chik-Fil-A in his small Florida town. He says that in this year’s election Dr. [...]

Ben Carson: Not Claiming Your Farts Is ‘Exactly Like Slavery’

MORAN, NEW HAMPSHIRE — Dr. Ben Carson has drawn some controversial comparisons between slavery and other issues facing Americans today as he continues his bid for the 2016 Republican presidential nomination. Most recently the neurosurgeon [...]

Town Republican Okay With Rape Exception for Abortion But ‘Only If She Wasn’t Askin’ For It’

SAND CORE, TENNESSEE — In a sleepy town not far from Memphis, William Jasper is writing a letter “to every single state government official” he can find the address on the Internet for. The purpose of his letter is to implore [...]

Planned Parenthood to Start Giving Away Free Guns With Abortions

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Officials with Planned Parenthood, the low-cost healthcare provider that has become a lightning rod for right-wing vitriol in recent weeks, have announced that they will no longer accept reimbursement for fetal tissue [...]

Benedict Arnold Award For Treachery Given to Carly Fiorina for ‘Selling Out Her Own Gender’

LEE, SOUTH CAROLINA — 2016 Republican Presidential hopeful Carly Fiorina has been rising in the polls since her performance in the second televised GOP primary debate. In that debate, Fiorina attacked Planned Parenthood based on sting [...]

House Oversight Committee Looking for Next Woman To Condescend To For Five Hours

WASHINGTON, D.C. — House Oversight Committee Chairman Rep. Jason Chaffetz (R-UT) told reporters today that his committee is now on the search for “another woman [his committee] can browbeat, condescend to and treat like human garbage” [...]