11122019Headline:

Steak, Beer and Oral Sex Secret to Long Life, Say Scientists

steak(National Report) – Important published works are soon to be released touting the benefits of a largely carnivore’s diet of Steak and whole grains found in beer.

The study, sponsored by the Obama administration and Michelle Obama herself, could mean the end of Social Security, Medicare and illness. While Pharmaceutical giants are poo-pooing the study’s scientific merit and calling the work “outrageous”, some are planning celebrations.

Ken Traub a graduate student studying for finals at Arkansas State University feels the study validates the wisdom of ancient Greece. “Hippocrates said food and oral sex are good medicine. I want to believe this is true until death tells me otherwise” Traub told reporters.

Popularity of many wacky diets have been offered over the years as some secret to long life and good health. The effectiveness of the pineapple diet, paleo, South Fork or even the famous weed diet have all been tough to prove since participants died hungry and unhappy.

Obama could be setting a socialist trap with his endorsement of a steak, beer and oral sex diet. Conservatives are expected to do the opposite.

Obama could be setting a socialist trap with his endorsement of a steak, beer and oral sex diet. Conservatives are expected to do the opposite.

The Steak, Beer and Oral Sex diet (SBBJ) has not experienced such setbacks for two reasons. First, the participants are young and relatively healthy. Second, no one has gotten really sick, except for a small herpes outbreak in Indiana.

Big Pharma cannot survive on herpes creams.

A concerted effort to foil the study reputation is in full swing. Some are dragging out negative red meat propaganda and citing religious objections to oral sex. Those efforts may prove futile if oral sex is classified as an over the counter medication by the Obama administration.

For many the allure of living to 126 sounds promising, but the moral issue with living so long bothers Jeb Needlewood of Ranchero, Texas. “If all you can eat is Steak, Beer and broads, what is the point in living? Also, it would mean Obamacare wins.”

Some predict by 2016 most of the Southern States will be populated by vegans, celiacs and other annoying food people that ruin a fun meal, but it would be worth it to stomp out Obamacare.

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3 Responses to "Steak, Beer and Oral Sex Secret to Long Life, Say Scientists"

  1. Lillian Fabricant Lillian Fabricant says:

    I normally can’t stomach unpalatable food articles on news sites, but this one was so informative I had an involuntary ‘sympathy barf-belch-smoke’, especially since it had a quote from a Texan in it, which means my thinking bone can take a break for a while since Texans know everything anyway and why everyone else is just plain old wrong about everything else.

    The Kamchatkan whale-blowers I risked my life studying in the early 60’s also had a similar tradition that claimed extended oral would grant Whitey the ability lo live if she also ate a hump’s worth of camel meat and fermented camel’s blood out of her bra! Thankfully my apparent youth and inexperience and cracked hearing aid batteries spared me the test, as I thought (lost in translation!) they meant ‘aural’, and told them so many, many stories about how much semen there is in restaurant food that they eventually packed up their yurt and defecated to China, where sadly they were promoted to being Korean, and most of them hari-karied after a taste of that spicy dirt cabbage that grows on the north side of every one of the few trees over there. I got a great paper published out of it, however. My first!

    That steak looks EXACTLY like the face of a PETA spokesindividuentity I had the misfortune of interviewing earlier in the day who kept trying to get me to bodysurf(whatever that is…gay?) her compost heap, which she takes everywhere with her and dresses like a little girl baby pile. She beamed with pride when I said I couldn’t stop smelling honey poo-poo, confirming my keen sense of smell with a dirt-filled smile spread across her bee-stung lips.

    Funny, that photo above of O’Bama also looks a lot like that steak, I can make out his features if I try in the seared flesh and exposed gristle and coarsely ground black pepper. So handsome (whenever Michelle isn’t looking)!

    • Lillian Fabricant Lillian Fabricant says:

      Those fries look like fingers, I wish they were on the other side of the plate! T.G.I.Not Jesus’s Face! O’Bama’s high and mighty enough already, any further uppity that ladder of swollen headonism is just begging for some of God’s wrathful vengeance…NO THANKS!

    • Nigel Covington Nigel Covington says:

      Lillian, You seem to be well versed on the matter and from your comment I gather you’ve got insider connections. Well perhaps you should make those calls to Washington and get them to come up with the funds for a study on how much semen is ejected into our food at restaurants. I know I’d like to know.



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