(AP Photo/Toby Talbot)
<National Report>This week, a scientific research facility in Wyoming made a startling discovery that is certain to change the way millions of Americans look at the environmentalism movement, after they found conclusive evidence that solar panels not only convert the sun’s energy into usable energy, but that they are also draining the sun of its own energy, possibly with catastrophic consequences far worse than global warming.
Scientists at the Wyoming Institute of Technology, a privately-owned think tank located in Cheyenne, Wyoming, discovered that energy radiated from the sun isn’t merely captured in solar panels, but that energy is directly physically drawn from the sun by those panels, in a process they refer to as “forced photovoltaic drainage.”
“Put into laymen’s terms, the solar panels capture the sun’s energy, but pull on the sun over time, forcing more energy to be released than the sun is actually producing,” WIT claims in a scientific white paper published on Wednesday. “Imagine a waterfall, dumping water. But you aren’t catching the water in buckets, but rather sucking it in with a vacuum cleaner. Eventually, you’re going to suck in so much water that you drain the river above that waterfall completely.”
WIT is adamant that there’s no immediate danger, however. “Currently, solar panels are an energy niche, and do not pose a serious risk to the sun. But if we converted our grids to solar energy in a big way, with panels on domestic homes and commercial businesses, and paving our parking lots with panels, we’d start seeing very serious problems over time. If every home in the world had solar panels on their roofs, global temperatures would drop by as much as thirty degrees over twenty years, and the sun could die out within three hundred to four hundred years.”
The study was commissioned in August 2011 by the Halliburton corporation, who wanted to learn if the energy giant should start manufacturing and selling solar panels domestically and internationally. Halliburton’s executives wanted to know more about the sustainability of solar energy and how photovoltaic technology might evolve over the next ten years. But based on the findings of WIT’s research in the field, Halliburton revealed on Friday that they will not be entering the solar energy market.
“Solar panels destroying the sun could potentially be the worst man-made climate disaster in the history of the world, and Halliburton will not be taking part in that,” the company stated in a press release issued Friday morning. “It’s obvious, based on the findings of this neutral scientific research group, that humans needs to become more dependent on fossil fuels like oil and coal, not less. Because these so-called `green technologies’ are far more dangerous to the Earth than any hydrofracking operation or deep-water drilling station. What good is clean air when our very sun is no longer functional?”
Your homework assignment for tonight. Research the definition of “Satire.”
People, this is satire… It’s made up, probably to shine a light on the (lack of) respectability of studies about renewable energy that “reveal” discrediting things and are funded by Big Oil etc.
Look at the blurp about the author. 😉 Or the head of Sarah Palin at the top.
Oh the horror of the sound of the sun’s last gasp, as we humans suck the protons right out of it! This would have been a great article for “The Onion.” I just ran outside and removed my rain gauge; I don’t want to be responsible for sucking up all of the earth’s water vapor!
wow… Insanely ignorant. Obviously an article funded by fossil fuel companies.. The sun powers, feeds, and grows every object, force, and organism on our Earth.. I’m pretty sure we could never deplete it of it’s energy.
The sad thing is there are people stupid enough to believe this tripe, just as there are people stupid enough to come up with the notion in the first place in the sad hopes of selling another barrel of oil.
Lol, read this was Satire, feel like an ass, well done sir, I tip my cap.
Hmmm but what if we started burning our fossil fuels on the Sun? Global warming on the Sun –> Sun heats up –> cancels out effect of solar panels on Earth. All round win, amirite?
The answer is to put all Democrats into space ships and send them hurtling into the sun. Just think what all that hot air could do.
In a word, nonsense.
Au contraire, mon amie- hilarious- but nothing compared to the comments!
Scanning through these comments I can’t believe so many people think this article was for real (and therefore criticised the authors)!! Obviously we teachers aren’t doing a good enough job at building skills of critical source analysis … “WHAT??? You mean there is stuff on the internet that ISN’T TRUE??!!!”
A lovely piece of satire in my opinion!
It is unconceivable that someone had the courage to publish such “scientific” article.
This gang of idiots should be sued for science malpractice.
I think I’m gonna go try to suck up a river with a vacuum container. It worked so well last time I tried it.
Umm… Does nobody realize this article is satire? Unbelievable how many of you read something like this and take it seriously…
Give me a break! what a waste of “research” money. I can’t believe they intend to fool people by such a false argument.
Even if it was feasible to suck more energy from sun than what’s given, the sun has way too much energy to spare. If one day, maybe in a 1000 years, human achieve such an advanced technology to such energy from sun (more energy than what is given), we should actually do that, because the amount of energy you can get out of sun in a second is by far more than all sources of fossil energies on earth. Sucking start energies is speculated to be the energy solution for worm-hole space travelling. We are thousands or millions of years away from such technologies of course. A solar panel, at best, uses part of the energy that suns gives away for free. The only argument you can have against solar panels is why to cut trees or harm vegetation to install an industrial scale solar farm. Other than this, everything about solar energy is good, green, and environment friendly.
What a bunch of bunk. Commissioned by Haliburton? A group with known ties to Big Oil?
Is this a hoax?
This makes perfect sense to me. I once wired up a light fitment back to front. I turned it on and it created an anti-light that sucked all the light out of the room. I was tumbling around in the dark for about twenty of your earth minutes looking for the switch to turn the darned thing off.
Are you Dumbledore?
This site is entirely satirical and is not intended to be true in any way
You guys this a satirical website that claims its editors are Ted Cruz and Sarah Palin, haha of course it’s BS. Every high school graduate should know that the laws of thermodynamics make it quite clear that energy can not be created and it cannot just ‘disappear.’ Energy in its various forms is subject to entropy and can transition to different states, but again, you can’t just make it disappear. Solar panels capture and use some sunlight but there is no effect on the sun whatsoever. Most sunlight simply shoots off into space. A tiny fraction falls on Earth. Plants cover the globe to absorb it for energy. Most sunlight that hits the earth is just reflected straight back into space. Do you know what would happen if you put a shell of solar panels around the sun, completely enclosing it (see: dyson sphere)? The sun would live for just as long as if there was no shell, but there would be an insane amount of electrical energy generated that was once thermal energy from the sun. There is no ‘sucking.’ The only sucking, in fact, is how scientifically illiterate most people are.
“the laws of thermodynamics make it quite clear that ????energy can not be created???? and it cannot just ‘disappear.” “If you put a shell of solar panels around the sun, completely enclosing it ” you’d be vaporized before you ever got close to it. “Most sunlight simply shoots off into space.” How about= all of it?
how scientifically illiterate most people are
The sun disperses it’s light particles fairly universally in every direction. It takes 8 minutes for these particles to hit the portion of the earth that faces it. In percentage of all of the light that escapes the sun that actually contacts the earth it is probably in the thousandths of a percent if not in the billionths. Solar panels can absorb only about 2% of the light that hits them and convert it into energy. Even if we coated the entire planet in solar panels only 2% of the light (1/1000th of 1 percent at best) that would be the “pull” our impact would have on the sun IF you were to believe there is one to begin with.
The law of conservation of energy means that energy is never destroyed. E=MC^2 explains how large amounts could be converted to mass. Speaking of “C”; light travels at one speed in the vacuum of space Gravity is capable of bending or pulling light but the gravity of the earth barely effects it.
The estimated amount of energy that the sun currently emits will last for another 4 billions years or so. If solar panels COULD actually draw 4 billion years of energy from the sun in 500 years and this would also include the energy that would otherwise be for every other part of space that never would have hit the earth (99.9999999999999999999%) which is more like a few googol years of energy. Than where is this energy? Surely a solar panel could hold trillions of KWhours of energy every second without causing adverse effects on planet earth right?
Even if the concept that anything we do here would pull on the sun the amount of energy that we are speaking of would incinerate the surface of our planet. Even now for this to be true a solar panel would only last a short while before it would ignite unless we are breaking the laws of physics. So until brand new solar panels burst into flames upon their inception it’s probably reasonable to assume this article is the worst one ever written.
Just to put it into some kind of low ball perspective if the 4B years were to be divided into 500 years that would mean that each year would absorb 8000000 times the current amount of energy. Even if we decided that this just simply triggered the sun to emit at this rate and the light was still evenly distributed than we are still dealing with 8,000,000 times more energy every second of everyday. Forget global warming melting the icecaps in the next few decades, days if not hours. Then in a month the planet would be a desert O2 levels would be near non-existent and no life whatsoever would roam the planet. And this is probably very very conservative. Truth is it may do all of this in less than 24 hours yet were to believe this threat may cause issues in a few centuries???
If we are to assume that the pulling of the sun’s energy actually means we are receiving the vast majority of the 4B years of energy directly on our planet then solar panels would be thee most dangerous items on the planet capable of incinerating our entire atmosphere the moment we erect just one small panel. Hell the solar strip on your calculator would extract enough electricity to power your house possibly even small cities.
If this is truly the stance that WIT has concluded than I would rather my children win scholarships for witchcraft and sorcery.
Wow- just wow, that you would spew this much nonsense to prove your point on what is -obvious- even to the village idiot, a joke. You’d better send your offspring to the U. of H.G. (University of the Hopelessly Gullible) to undo whatever damage you’ve inflicted on them.
I find this hilarious and deeply saddening. Hilarious that this scientific satire is not the work of The Onion. And deeply Saddened that so many people actually believe it.
Bonus points for the banner adds on the top of the page selling solar panels.
Even if this was true and solar panels did in fact physically drain our sun of energy, the effect would be infinitesimal when compared to the amount of energy the star is already producing and giving off. And if you want to get really technical, the entire planet is already a giant solar panel because every living organism feeds off of the energy from the sun in one form or another. Every plant in the world absorbs sunlight in order to produce photosynthesis, and that same energy is transferred up the food chain to the rest of the complex organisms like animals and humans. Draining the sun in three to four hundred years? If this asinine pseudoscience was true the sun would have died out billions of years before dinosaurs ever went extinct. Hell, it would have died out even sooner than that! Let’s not forget that what’s being stated is physically impossibly. The light from the sun has to reach us first before we can actually harness it. At that point it’s no longer part of the star anymore. You can’t drain an entity of something without actual physically contact. If you’re going to make up scientific propaganda to impede real honest progress for our race as a whole, then at least make it believable.
OK correct me if I’m wrong here. I clicked on the link for Wyoming Tech and got a dummy website. I did a quick search for this institute, and it appears they don’t exist. There’s a Wyoming Technical Institute in Laramie, but not Cheyenne. So my question is why was this article (which is BS in itself) written in the first place? Why is the National Report trying to send everyone this obviously fallacious message?
Makes about as much sense as the two miscreants that attempted to foist “Cold Fusion” onto the scientific community…the real scientific community, not some revisionist, fundamentalist. creationist, Koch bros. sponsored, make believe scientists.
Before replying on how this is bullshit, you need to go to the home page of this website, to understand what kind of news story this is.
Commissioned by Halliburton. Hmmm. Nope that doesn’t raise any flags
This is the dumbest thing I’ve ever read on the internet, and that’s saying something. It isn’t even possible for us to drain the sun, even if we wanted to. Who in the world called these people “experts”? This sounds like something my son might have thought of when he was 5 years old, and then promptly realized it was stupid.
Don’t get it yet, do you?
This is greatest (bullshit) I’ve ever read. Based on these experts’ analysis, I can also say that trees draining sun energy too. Cut All Tree!
Global warming. No, wait! We can’t be saying that this winter because everyone is freezing their buns off. This is really a bad winter, especially in the east, and all the conservatives are laughing at us, and just about everyone else.
I know, let’s have ABC, CBS, NBC, MSNBC and the rest call this Climate change. There! For the rest of the winter while people freeze their butt off, we will use the term climate change.
Oh, finally the snow has melted and lookie, Oh boy! There are some fires in the west. You know, the same fires that have been happening throughout history but now there seem to be more because of…Global warming. So now we can use that term again while ABC, CBS, NBC, MSNBC and the rest show fires and blame it on global warming.
It does not matter that the reason there seem to be so many fires is because those people built their homes all over the hills of California and Arizona where they are not supposed to be, and also the fact that more people start more fires.
Let’s feature all the fires we can, extensive coverage, and PRESTO! The term global warming is back in style.
Aren’t we clever?
Oh my gosh! Some crackpots came up with a reason why solar energy might not be the planet’s salvation. We pretty much managed to hide the fact that we have wasted billions on those glass panels with little effect. But now we have this. What to do, oh what to do. I know, let’s blame it on Bush. No, wait, he’s been gone too long. How about our favorite pin cushion Sarah?
On a lighter note, experts have recently discovered that adding a drop of antifreeze to your morning beverage can boost our mental capabilities and lengthen our lives. Drink up buddy. Your kool-aids gonna get warm.
This article is on a website that is strictly satire. Only conservatives are dumb enough to think this article is non-fiction.
Are you required to wear a helmet when you leave the house? GO DO SOME RESEARCH! You are regurgitating FOX news coverage. Come up with an actual thought of your own…
Oh my lord.. I hope no one in my country is dumb enough to believe this, sadly they will because I live in America 🙁 Money makes the world go around here and it also prevails over science. We are the laughing stock of the educated world. Matt Rock, I hope your career is ruined, you deceitful, lying pig.
Sometimes I am just amazed by the stupidity of some people. And other times I am effing amazed.
I like sitting, and watching this people.
You can learn a lot about animal behavior.
Guess we should do something about plants that have been sucking up the sun. Thank goodness there was a study.
This has to be a 100% fabricated gag news story.
NOBODY is this stupid. Not even liberals.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/National_Report
Liberals?…this looks like decidedly Conservative (aka Republican) propaganda to me…right up there with the earth is flat…evolution isn’t true…and dinosaurs were on Noah’s Ark at the time of the Great Flood…
But I will give Republicans credit for one thing…making all of us laugh as they stumble around in the scientific world…LOLOL…
Just so you know, I am a conservative Christian and am not scientifically illiterate. I believe in evolution, the big bang, the possibility of anthropomorphic climate change, and I thought this article was absolutely hilarious.
Yet you are the one replying to satire in a serious manner?
And who is this so-called”expert” who thinks the sun will get drained of it’s energy from solar panels? Dick and George? Or perhaps the mother of all experts, Sara baracuda, of who’s Nalin Palin? Yup, must be Sara. Only Sara could possibly come up with that line. And water flows up-hill, too.
Everett – what/who are you? Are you serious with your comment? Why politicize such an obviously fake article? Are you having a conversation with yourself?
Yes, but it is the Democrats who brought us that singularly unscientific voodoo called “global warming”, and want us all to worship at the altar of “climate change”.
Your three haphazardly examples are not only ridiculous, but are more likely to be supported by the low-information Democrat voter than any Republican.
Environmental science should not be a political issue. Everyone should be working together to decrease pollution, which harms the Earth and its inhabitants.
Actually, the only people being fooled are the retard right-wingers who think Fox News is the gospel. Fox News has actually reported on not one, but TWO spoof articles originating from this website….on national television!! Therefore, you sir, are an idiot.
Or even retarded Creationist TeaBagging Republicans….
As we often do, conservatives like to poke fun at the ‘man-made global warming’ hoax. This is in that vein. But you’re too effing stupid to get it— Mr. Anus MacAzzhule.
Those who think politics and profits are more important than preventing pollution are not serving the Earth and its inhabitants wisely.
Sorry, I think stupidity can be found all around regardless of political party. This is a prime example of something that is either a gag or someone who believes that consensus is science. That by the way is how the idea of a flat earth came about, consensus. “We agree” is not a definition of truth. Never has been, never will be. Calling people names also does not prove anything except for the ignorance and immaturity of those who do the calling… Suck it up, you have no idea what you are talking about.
Clearly you meant “conservatives,” not “liberals.” After all, cons are typically the ones who believe in creationism instead of evolution, claim global warming is a lie, etc. They haven’t proven to be a terribly scientific or logical group…
I’m conservative and this is a BS story. I believe in evolution, etc… Global warming isn’t a lie, just the part the libtards made up is a lie. The Earth goes through warming and cooling cycles and has been doing this for billions of years. Libs say the globe is warming and when the ice caps actually grow in size and the planet is actually in a cooling cycle, they change the name to “Climate change” to better fit their agenda.
Politicizing pollution and Republican denial are doing mankind, our Earth, and all life on it a huge, irreversible disservice. I don’t need politicians or scientists to tell me pollution is bad–whatever names are given to its consequences.
And why would the earth be warming? What part of the cycle is causing this? Do you know or are you shooting propaganda out of your mouth? I would like to know what it is you think is causing the tropospheric layer to heat while the stratosphere is cooling. Does the Earth do it one its own? Or are their natural events responsible for these gradual changes you are talking about? Please note I said gradual changes; what we are experiencing isn’t gradual, its exponential. It took 100 years for 1 degree Celsius from the start of the industrial revolution, we are now averaging 1 degree every 10 years. NOT GRADUAL AT ALL, NOR NATURAL.
Wow you’re dumb!
Actually liberals are ignorant enough to believe it. You cannot drain the suns energy because it is constantly using the hydrogen that makes it up to create energy. The only way you could drain the sun of its renewable resource would be to take the hydrogen away from it. People that are dumb enough to believe this failed science and lacks the knowledge to research it.
The sun produces enough energy in one second to power everything on earth for a million years. To say it would damage the sun is a complete lie. The energy that leaves the sun is all being wasted now anyways if it’s not captured.
Gag
Liberals are not stupid. Conservatives who don’t take liberals seriously are stupid.
This article is 100% fabricated BS. Conservatives are losing so they’re getting desperate.
Imagine if we started covering earth with mirrors… The sun would live forever! lol
the earth is covered by 70% water it is already covered by “mirrors”
The ocean does act as mirrors when it comes to the light, but that is where the atmosphere comes into play as a mirror for the energy. So technically it’s a mirror to a mirror, that means it’s covered by more mirrors then you think. So when you put this together, what do you come up with? The planet has been “stealing” the suns power since the beginning of time. This is just a nuts rant.
What college/university did these people graduate from so I know not to send my family there?
Not sure whether you mean the author, or the commenters.
“Halliburton will not be taking part in that” ahahaha, they should continue to sell they dirty stuff, enrich Dick Cheney and pay for these kind of studies to misinform people…
Seriously, how could they dare publishing such bullshit if not to keep people paying for stuff when they could be free or at least cheaper… Follow the money and… think!
Whoever wrote this article has stage 7 autism.
Satire, Will. Satire. National Report is a fake news/satire site and not intended to be reporting on news.
Whoever wrote this article works for a satirical website, because, you know, it was published on one.
Please don’t insult people with autism.. you actually have no clue what an autistic person us or goes through… Especially the parents who aganizie on a daily basis trying to reach into the mind if a child with autism…
Ignorant statement you made.
Now yes I agree that the author is clueless with what they are talking about..
So, if I fart, and you smell it, it is going to produce more gas in me? … OK well maybe, because I am definitely going toeat MORE beans to laugh my but off at you sniffing my farts!
Hahahaha excellent analogy. This article was certainly a joke. No one with an IQ > 10 would ever believe this nonsense. It’s akin to saying if the world were to be covered in plants, the sun would be depleted of its energy.
It seems The Onion has some serious competition.
I read this article hoping to find it as funny as the headline. I was not disappointed.
Did you know that the National Report isn’t in the dictionary?
Wow it sounds right to me. Just makes sense doesn’t it? I think Ted Cruz and Zeb bush should form a ticket and run on a platform based on that.
This is quite seriously probably one of the stupideristesist things Ive ever read on the interwebs.
This is so funny. I wonder if there is an oilfield equipment or oilfield service I can buy from Haliburton that will re-charge the sun to make up for all the damage being done by the solar panels. Man, how did this article even get written? Did someone from Haliburton PR just write an email to national report with this piece of fiction? I wish they had hired a sci-fi writer who could have made this a bit more believable. Ah well… this article gave me a good laugh, so in the end I’m happy that they hired a clown to write this.
LOL! I didn’t realize that national report is the same as the onion… a thousand apologies for writing a serious response to this absolute gem of an article. I haven’t laughed so hard in a long, long time. Thank you writer, for you are no clown….Oh no! You are indeed a master of satire.
Be your own expert
lol they meant to say researchers from a shit tank:P or oil tank they didn’t mean to say think tank i promise you.
This is the most ludicrous thing I have ever heard. You should be ashamed of printing such ridiculous trash. You just lost what little credibility you had. Morons!
Don’t tell me that National Report was your main source of information until now! (the day you finally understood what is “satire”)
The satirical website lost what little credibility they had… The fact that you used to think they were somewhat credible is weird :p
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
….no wait….
BABAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
OMG BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
“Sucking energy from the sun”……
“forced photovoltaic drainage”…… BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA
But seriously….for real now….Who rights this stuff? And can I use it?
…because I want to try stand up comedy this year and this stuff is PURE GOLD!
BAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAhAhhaAahHAHHahahhhhhhh..
Damn im out of bahahah you’ve sucked all the bahaahaha out if me.
Who rights this stuff!!!?
Was that an intended double entendre? If not… no big deal.
A great laugh.
Case and point the disclaimer at the bottom of the website.