(AP Photo/Toby Talbot)
<National Report>This week, a scientific research facility in Wyoming made a startling discovery that is certain to change the way millions of Americans look at the environmentalism movement, after they found conclusive evidence that solar panels not only convert the sun’s energy into usable energy, but that they are also draining the sun of its own energy, possibly with catastrophic consequences far worse than global warming.
Scientists at the Wyoming Institute of Technology, a privately-owned think tank located in Cheyenne, Wyoming, discovered that energy radiated from the sun isn’t merely captured in solar panels, but that energy is directly physically drawn from the sun by those panels, in a process they refer to as “forced photovoltaic drainage.”
“Put into laymen’s terms, the solar panels capture the sun’s energy, but pull on the sun over time, forcing more energy to be released than the sun is actually producing,” WIT claims in a scientific white paper published on Wednesday. “Imagine a waterfall, dumping water. But you aren’t catching the water in buckets, but rather sucking it in with a vacuum cleaner. Eventually, you’re going to suck in so much water that you drain the river above that waterfall completely.”
WIT is adamant that there’s no immediate danger, however. “Currently, solar panels are an energy niche, and do not pose a serious risk to the sun. But if we converted our grids to solar energy in a big way, with panels on domestic homes and commercial businesses, and paving our parking lots with panels, we’d start seeing very serious problems over time. If every home in the world had solar panels on their roofs, global temperatures would drop by as much as thirty degrees over twenty years, and the sun could die out within three hundred to four hundred years.”
The study was commissioned in August 2011 by the Halliburton corporation, who wanted to learn if the energy giant should start manufacturing and selling solar panels domestically and internationally. Halliburton’s executives wanted to know more about the sustainability of solar energy and how photovoltaic technology might evolve over the next ten years. But based on the findings of WIT’s research in the field, Halliburton revealed on Friday that they will not be entering the solar energy market.
“Solar panels destroying the sun could potentially be the worst man-made climate disaster in the history of the world, and Halliburton will not be taking part in that,” the company stated in a press release issued Friday morning. “It’s obvious, based on the findings of this neutral scientific research group, that humans needs to become more dependent on fossil fuels like oil and coal, not less. Because these so-called `green technologies’ are far more dangerous to the Earth than any hydrofracking operation or deep-water drilling station. What good is clean air when our very sun is no longer functional?”
You all realize that this is a fake news website right?
These guys must be on some pretty heavy drugs, please explain to me…if we’re less than 1/1000 of the size, how will we ‘deplete’ the sun…I didn’t quite understand their logic.
If we are wasting all the oil we have left on this ‘dot’ in the sky, maybe we should use them (these scientists on the take) for fuel…
I am just waiting for a politician to point to this article as reason to not get road ways paved with solar panels, biggest load of bs in quite some time.
Same level of honesty as rest of Tea Party. A mean dog that tries to bite with foam on his jaw.
The conservatives commenting on here all seem to realize that this is a parody website, ala “The Onion”.
The “educated” liberals commenting on here all seem to believe that this is all god’s honest truth. Bless their little “educated” hearts!
The liberals don’t believe the bad science in the article. They do believe that Fox so-called News, Halliburton, Tea Party Republicans, and Bush administration characters like Dick Cheney are dishonest even to the point of printing such an article. That’s because we’ve been hearing lies from them daily for years. They told us we needed to invade Iraq, killing thousands of U.S. soldiers & Iraqi children and others. Even though the article is satire (I don’t care for satire) we wouldn’t put it past some Repugs to present it as propaganda. After all, Bush I ridiculed Al Gore and called him “crazy” for his work to save the Earth.
OMG, this is a fake news site like the onion. Go check out the other stories on this site.
AAHH Wat a bunch of retards……..
Uhhhhh…..lol wut. This sounds like the most BS article I have ever read in my entire life. And trust me, I have read some bs articles.
This just in: National Report and The Onion have joined forces to bring you the finest hard hitting news on the internet!
Reading these comments is sapping my faith in the human race.
People, this article is SATIRE.
Take this shit down. You’r actually making the world dumb with this kind of bullshit. And to the person who wrote this, I’ll give you 20 bucks ok 20 dollars, go down to the store and buy your self the nicest neck tie you can find ok. Go hang yourself with it you fucking idiot.
This is the stupidest, most inaccurate “scientific report” I’ve ever seen. The worrying thing is there are many with IQ’s so low they’ll believe half of this.
“The worrying thing is there are many with IQ’s so low they’ll believe half of this”- & actually believe it’s an “inaccurate scientific report” & then be outraged enough to comment on it, as if it was anything but satire for the terminally gullible.
Hey pot, meet kettle.
OMFG! I see hundreds of comments from people who think this is for real. Does no one realize this is SATIRE? As in MADE UP? As in FAKE? Geez, you idiots give the rest of us a bad name, no wonder people look at the typical american and wonder how we got out of the shallow end of the gene pool.
As a Canadian who’s enjoyed this site immensely from day one, I’d say you hit the nail on the head. Rest assured, we have almost as many satirically challenged people as the U.S.A. though we do like to poke fun at Americans. What’s truly frightening is most of these folks are allowed to vote.
This is hilarious! Well done 🙂 🙂 🙂
The only thing that’s depressing are the comments. I cannot believe people think it’s a real article.
This has got be an article from The Onion.
At first I was freaking out until I saw that this “study” was funded by Halliburton. Jesus christ how stupid do they think we are.
Apparently, “they” are fully justified in “their” opinion of how stupid people are, by about a 90-10 margin of “error”.
Should’ve posted this on the anti-vax group, they’ll believe this
I agree with Bryan F….whoever these “experts” are need to step up to the bar… because I hear “experts” also say…
“Too much physical exersize will cause tooth decay”
“The easter bunny lives just a few blocks down the road”
“grass is actually blue and the sky is green”
lol
Lol you people are so stupid. This is a satirical website. They post joke articles to make fun of you idiots that actually fall for them. People like you are aberrations of darwins theory.
We need to become more dependent on fossil fuels and coal? Hahahhahaha, nice try. This has so much derp in it. Halliburton is making a big mistake on not investing in our future and trying to lie to go the opposite path? Matt Rock, aren’t you ashamed to put your name on such big oil dribble? Hope the check was big enough to buy your journalistic integrity. This thing called ummm, photosynthesis proved that using the sun’s energy has worked for several billion years. We cannot “vacuum” it. The “scientists” in this study traveled to the sun to take measurements to test this. Hahahahahahhahahahaha.
People leaving comments raving about the inaccuracies and crying that this article was paid for by “big oil”…you do realize that this is a satire site, right?
Satire: the use of irony, sarcasm, ridicule, or the like, in exposing, denouncing, or deriding vice, folly, etc.
The National Report is entirely satirical and is meant to make fun of, not truthfully report on, issues.
Maybe do your own research for once.
The sun has No Idea if there is a solar panel on earth or not we get less than on billionth of the suns rays and the solar panel get less than a billionth of the light that hit the earth dumbest thing I have ever heard.
Have you ever heard of a full stop? …….
Hahaha! Thank you, I am truly impressed with the fantasy of you people! This totally made my day! … no, made my month, really, isn’t much joy during exam period…
I hope everyone else also recognizes this for what it is; a joke, no need for either believing or plotting conspiracies.
Everyone on here does realize that National Report is a satirical news site right? Geez do some research people!
How the hell do you people not get that this is satire? C’mon guys, don’t prove that you’re all just morons!
What happens when you write satire? Does it endanger the supply? Is it still satire if nobody gets it?
Nicely done. Didn’t the Wyoming Institute of Technology team up with the National Institute of Technology for this, and wasn’t that why the final report was called the NIT-WIT Report?
The comments on this article virtually erase all my hope for humanity. Anyone here want to buy a bridge? I’m selling.
I lost all my teeth- how much for your bridge.
God help us all- they’re allowed to vote.
Looks like this had a lot of people thinking it was intended seriously. Are you all really that naive? LOL!
top kek people can be stupid (wink wink nudge nudge)
There’s satire, sure, but this is a DUMB thing to do guys.
Majority opinion matters. You give these idiots an excuse to say no to solar power and they’ll never let it go.
This is hilarious! The Onion has nothing on the people who created this site. Funniest thing I’ve read in weeks, especially the bit about Halliburton.
This is just pure evil. I understand a company’s fear of bankrupcy when new technology makes its product obsolete. But to attempt to manipulate the public into ignorance and make people scared of a concept that may be a great solution for our planet to survive the massive wear we’ve put it through just to maintain a monetary fortune that won’t mean anything when we start to become extinct due to our own selfishness and idiocy is just sadistic. Bad Halliburton.
Also, nice touch with the pictures of Cruz & Palin, two people ignorant enough they might actually believe this (but where’s Rick Perry and Michelle Bachmann’s pictures?).
WOW… how stupid do you have to be write something like this?
I really hope someone at Fox puts this article on live TV.
That would be EPIC!
This is blatant propaganda! You sir got paid to write this, that research was paid too and no physics does not work like this. That toilet paper hasn’t been reviewed yet!
How in the world is coal and oil less harmful than using solar panels? Coal takes its own energy to burn it into energy, while solar panels run directly from the panel and are using its own energy to travel to the home. This article makes absolutely no sense.
I find it amusing that people actually think the authors of the article really believe this. Please keep in mind that this is a SATIRICAL news site that publishes SATIRICAL articles.
I really hope nobody believes this article, especially with Halliburton being mentioned. Solar panels do not deplete the sun, unlike oil that depletes the earth’s natural reserves.
This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever read. Sponsored no doubt by some big oil conglomerate…
I’m not sure which amuses me more. The people who would believe such an article, or the dozens (more like hundreds) of people’s comments that think this is a serious article. Just wait until you read about Obama removing In God We Trust from the US bank notes.
This has to have been put on by someone who hates Halliburton, there is no one in the world who would buy into this load of crap.
I’m from Wyoming and I know this is BS.
Are you serious? This is so tailored made for the global warmers cause that really makes me sick.
All I’m going to say is that this article and its source both belong on the Bad Astronomy blog. One hundred percent herp derp.
I’m going there now to submit it.
Truer words were never spoken herp derp. You do that, you’ll stand out amongst your peers- LOFL
I…barely know where to begin.. This is, without a doubt, the single most blatantly partisan and laughably inaccurate/stupid article I’ve read since possibly the Sun’s Saddam’s mutant dinosaur army article. Its a sad day when so-called “media” trumps a tabloid’s ridiculousness.
I really really hope everyone realizes this is absolutely 100% horse@#$%. To be clear, there is no possibility of us ever…EVER draining the sun. My thanks goes out to the idiots editing this page, my head hurts and I think I need to lie down now
.
Is this for real?
I live in Sweden and I showed the article to my teacher and she said it must be some sort of American joke site.
The other kids in my class had a good laugh anyway, thanks for sharing.
This joke was funnier when it was told not-as-a-joke.
http://www.newscientist.com/article/mg21028063.300-wind-and-wave-farms-could-affect-earths-energy-balance.html#.U4UNkfmSySo
So if the sun is gonna go its gonna but we cannot suck energy from the sun asbelonkers. This study was preformed while on the toilet reading the funnys. Poor scientists who are not reconnized just want a seat on a throne and some people will belive this. Sad !!!!
I seriously thought this was a joke, until I saw it was from Halliburton. The following is from Wikipedia “Halliburton Company is an American multinational corporation and currently one of the world’s largest oil field services companies.” I am not saying that they would manufacture false data. The courts say that. “Halliburton pleaded guilty to destroying evidence after the April 2010 Deepwater Horizon disaster; the company destroyed computer simulations it performed in the months after the accident, simulations that contradicted Halliburton’s claim that it was BP who had not followed Halliburton’s advice. BP had employed Halliburton to oversee the process by which cement is used to seal pipes in oil and gas wells, thereby preventing leaks. Government investigators had ordered companies involved in drilling the well to preserve all relevant evidence. Halliburton director Anthony Badalamenti in Texas has been charged for deleting data related to the deadly BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico in September 2013.”
Omg! ! ! Must … Unplug …. Photo voltaic panels!
Picnick in danger of darkness