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Sex Is An Awful Holiday Gift And other Winter Sex Dangers

Lovemaking during the winter months can be somewhat satisfying or very dangerous. Learning the holiday pitfalls is crucial to waking up alive in the New Year or becoming a grim statistic.

Sex after a holiday meal is never a good idea, but some will try anyway.

Sex after a holiday meal is never a good idea, but some will try anyway.

Never have sex after a Holiday meal.

It’s hard to believe, but people do try to have sex after eating a Holiday meal. Most of these people are inexperienced teens, whose hormone soaked bodies are burning calories like a nuclear reactor.

As the human body matures into adulthood, nature provides a sleepy safety net to make rigorous sex after a holiday meal completely avoidable. This food-induced stasis of older guardians provides teens with the opportunity to sneak in sexy time.

Teens should be aware that after a meal the internal organs are busily digesting, oblivious to rising sexual tension. A teen’s brain has not developed the pathways that communicate effectively between digestion and sexual systems. The dual overload can lead to a shutdown of other body functions.

The results of taxing both the digestive and sexual systems can vary. Reactions may be mild like abdominal cramps or more acute like permanent brain damage, behavioral deviancy or bowel leakage.

Combining accelerants like alcohol and sex in front of a fire is a precursor to tragedy.

Combining accelerants like alcohol and sex in front of a fire is a precursor to tragedy.

Do not have sex in front of a Fireplace.

The movie, Endless Love introduced a generation to an idyllic vision of sex in front of a fireplace. Young, lithe bodies, oiled in anticipation, glowed like stars as the movie’s theme played. While that particular film is moldering on history’s trash heap, the novelty of fireplace sex endures.

A crackling fireplace is romantic and hypnotic because it touches all the senses, especially if you make some s’mores. The acrid smell of burning hair can quickly ruin the moment.

Even with a fireplace screen, logs will pop and spit flaming shards of wood. For lovers that use certain flammable hair products or too much body spray, the science of combustion is a cruel reality.

Color Image from "American Journal of Proctology, New York." JAMA Network. N.p., n.d. Web. 09 Dec. 2013. .

Color Image from “American Journal of Proctology, New York.” JAMA Network. N.p., n.d. Web. 09 Dec. 2013. .

Ornaments go on the tree, not on your genitals or up the poo chute.

Every year thousands of people visit the emergency room to have foreign objects removed from body orifices. Many of these are serendipitous holiday accidents, like inhaling a cranberry or plastic Dreidel or getting a popcorn kernel in the ear during an impromptu holiday food fight. Then there are those embedded ornaments that clearly are deliberate.

The logic behind decorating the body may originate from a generous heart, but the pain of having 10 feet of foil garland removed from the colon because a partner wanted to play My Little Pony for the holidays negates any holiday cheer. To avoid these pitfalls, it is best to avoid gifting sex.

Gift cards are exchangable, regiftable and can be redeemed for a variety of items. Sex won't fit on a bulliten board.

Gift cards are exchangeable, regiftable and can be redeemed for a variety of items. Sex won’t fit on a bulletin board.

Don’t give or accept sex as a gift.

Giving sex as a gift or even a holiday tip sets a dangerous precedent.

First, the sex-tip recipient will want sex every time you get the oil changed or new wiper blades. This can be a real problem if Mr. Goodwrench uses metric tools on your American made chassis. 12 centimeters is not the same as 12 inches. You can’t exchange that for a different size.

Second, gifting sex for the holidays makes you a prostitution whore, also rude. A sex gift isn’t like a Applebee’s gift card that can be re-gifted to someone that actually likes Applebee’s. You might be the Ruth Chris’ Steakhouse gift card of sex gifting, but if the recipient is a known vegetarian with a taste for tossed salads, your sex gift of surf-n-turf is pretty lame.

Receiving sex as a gift is also problematic.

First, receiving sex as a gift isn’t like tickets to the Super Bowl. Both are unique, discreet events that occur and then end, but only one has authentic commemorative t-shirts or memorabilia.

What is the point of a gift that cannot be shared on social media because the gifter denies giving? Sure you can take a picture, but that has legal implications.

Second, receiving sex as a gift requires some premeditated hygiene for the giftee. Winter months are typically a time to let body hair grow wild and free, until spring when pelts can be shorn, perhaps baled and sent to market. Accepting sex as a gift just seems like a lot of effort.

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One Response to "Sex Is An Awful Holiday Gift And other Winter Sex Dangers"

  1. Patty says:

    Good advice, I don’t want to shed my pelt til spring!!

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