11202017Headline:

Semen Cure All Claims Could Signal Boon

semen(National Report) – Semen is touted as a cure all for many physical, psychological and even economic ailments.

Semen, the sticky juice extruded from male sex genitals, has been extensively studied and found to cure everything from morning sickness, depression, dry skin, rickets and squeaking floorboards.

The super-cure claims have many men dreaming of owning their own semen boutiques or selling their wares online like the ladies sell breast milk.

The popularity of holistic medicine is certainly on the rise. The high cost of big pharma solutions have many seeking more natural cures. Over half of Americans are ingesting everything from spider toenails to chia pets as consumers in in the $27 Billion dollar a year supplement business.

The science behind semen cures is simple.

Deficits become normalized when semen is added. Semen deficit disorders (SDD) can manifest with a spectrum of symptoms ranging from malaise and depression to dry skin, headaches and or nausea. Semen research scientists are interested in a variety of opportunities to apply semen cures.

The target market for findings includes both women and homosexuals. Women, unable to produce enough of their own semen, are naturally drawn to the reparative properties of semen. Homosexuals, comprising both men and women unable to produce enough semen of their own, need semen the way diabetics need insulin say some researchers.

Gingers have little hope in the job market. With semen cures on the rise this hopeless minority might find employment as professional masturbators.

Gingers have little hope in the job market. With semen cures on the rise this hopeless minority might find employment as professional masturbators.

The Demand Could Mean Skilled Jobs, Therapeutic Boutiques for Cottage Industry Growth

The reproductive sperm market is only open to a few semen manufacturers. Short men, those with only a High School education and melanin minorities like Gingers are not welcome as paid sperm bank donors. Semen cures allows even the height challenged to participate in donation.

In addition, most donor-contractors need to live within an hour of the bank for optimum volume and freshness. As a therapy, the consumer will happily seek out services during normal business hours.

Like many therapies, semen cures fall into a sweet unregulated area of commerce. Day spas and fortune tellers face little government intervention when customer satisfaction is a priority. Brazilian blow jobs (a hair straightening technique) have been enjoyed by many curly haired women, even when the cancer risk is high. Few complaints are made when beauty is the result.

An End to Masturbation

Masturbation is wrong. Employment is not.

Working as a semen cure technician provides needed services. Just as the masseuse isn’t being creepy rubbing oils all over a naked body, the semen professional is not getting jollies from providing life affirming nectar. It is a vocation that has the well-being of others at its root.

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14 Responses to "Semen Cure All Claims Could Signal Boon"

  1. Nellie Queen says:

    That figures… I’ve been getting burned my whole life.

    • Barbara Bagwell Barbara Bagwell says:

      The Roof, The Roof, The roof is on fireWhen the roof is on fire, one does not just let it burn. Why do people point things out like a burning roof and then watch it burn? Passivity is the number one cause of roof burns. I like you Nellie, but you can not just let it burn like that. Throw some water on that roof. Call for some hunky firemen, perhaps abdominally musculated and not photoshopped. If Vera were here, she would blow her lid.

  2. Nigel Covington Nigel Covington says:

    Awesome story Barbara! You’ve really put out a lot of quality work recently and everyone of your stories reflects that. Hi Nellie, you must be new since I haven’t seen any previous posts by you before. So WELCOME to the Report and always feel free to comment. Oh yes, several us were talking after reading your post and we were curious if you’re a dyke?

    • Barbara Bagwell Barbara Bagwell says:

      What makes you thing Nellie is from Holland? I don’t understand. This is an American speech site.

  3. Nellie Queen says:

    Look at my Facebook page Nigel and you tell me. If you got the balls…

    https://www.facebook.com/nellie.queen.77?ref=tn_tnmn

    • Lillian fabricant Lillian fabricant says:

      I went to your page but still couldn’t tell if you were Dutch, a New Hebreedeezer Islander or just from Cincinnati? I don’t have balls in my eyeballs, anymore, and if I had balls I don’t think They would have eyes on them since I already have too many in the ‘normal’ place, not that i’m judging. I know we haven’t met, but are you coming on to me? GROSS.(for you!) I think you are very pretty but probably too bossy, but could do way better since I’ve been dead inside so long, and was even buried for several months recently, but I’m flattered, and pregnant, and I think we should break up. STAY AWAY FROM OUR BABY!!!! (Her name is Nelliqua, named after my first pet meercat, NellQarterisia)

  4. Lillian fabricant Lillian fabricant says:

    My randy nephew, Thommy, who casts quite a spell on anyone with even a weak libido and 6 minutes to 2 1/2 hours to spare, knows all the Firemen in the spread of our nine town area/rural route district (I’m just saying, if you are in the tub when he rings the bell, DO NOT ANSWER the door! Be absolutely quiet, or your day will take a turn SO enormous you can’t believe its over, when its finally over, and the cat won’t come out from under the chifferobe even for tuna num-nums for a week!) because he is a regular at their all night, chunky Chili Con Carne Blanco cook-offs, and usually wins the top ribbon for presentation, and sometimes for the spicyist asparagus sauce.

    Anyway, I wanted to try that semen cure on the antique-y creaky hardwood flooring, all over my bedroom, I think it sounds EXACTLY like an owls-on-rusty-teeter-totterers-convention in there whenever that cat of mine is prowling around at night like a top carnivore that needs to feed a litter, stuck in a stamp store without even the tiniest dish of cream.

    So Thommy, the lumbering oaf, gave me this family-size Miracle Whip jar full of the stuff, butt he said I’d really have to bang it, HARD, into every one my creaky old cracks. If I wanted it to work and shut the hell up, like I should tell it to. But then he just kind of glazed over when I asked him what to bang it in with, and just then, the last two buttons on his shirt popped off, and he whispered, real soft and gentle, to no one in particular, but right in my face, and you could barely hear it, he says, with a little smile and half closed eyes: L i n d s e y…G r a h a m…, and I’m thinking: “wha…?” when, would you believe it, he got a text THAT VERY MOMENT from the dashing soprano senator himself! All the way from TWO whole states to the east! Mr. Graham (Thommy calls him, a bit oddly, “Grahamps”), is, after all, a VERY busy man, especially to be spending so much time in our tiny sleepy town of Blossoms End, where I only WISH I could vote for him, and no one seems to recognize him, not in those daisy duke cut-off overalls and rainbow legwarmers at any rate.

    I’m hoping, Ms. Bagwell, that with all your experience and research, if you might be able to tell me if it has to be human semen for the cure to work properly, because I don’t want to ruin my good mop if not. Thommy said it was ‘mixed source’ but free of lady semen, but just shrugged and grunted noncommittally when I shouted out asking him if there was any animal zygotry in it, as he ripped off the passenger side door of senator Graham’s pearly taupe Miatta and threw Lindsey clear over the house and through the skylight of the barn’s hayloft and right into the bubbly mud hot tub where the rest of the guys were already waiting for the Friday night poker game to start.

  5. Lillian fabricant Lillian fabricant says:

    Good Lord on a biscuit in a basket! Nellie was right, I should have listened to her. That semen cure did NOTHING to improve the vision in my wandering eyes (Or cure my corn-flaky dandruff!). If anything it made them all worse! It does burn! Like Hell! Yowtch!

    What are you laughing at, Thommy? Yes, it DOES sting! You untrustworthy lout! What do you mean, it isn’t? What? Melted vanilla ice cream mixed with coconut water and Zima? Really? Well, no WONDER it didn’t fix my hardwood floors from squeaking! It does sound kind of good, I guess I could try it to see if it can cure these tedious hiccups…

    YUCK! Gaddammit Thommy you asshole. YOU JERK! oh, bleecchh, yuck, poo. GET OUT OF HERE you jackass. DAMN! Yuck.

    However…no hiccups!

    • Barbara Bagwell Barbara Bagwell says:

      OMG, it was just a nipple in the picture. If I knew you were allergic I would have photoshopped that out.

      • Nellie Queen says:

        Lillian and Barbara I’m always happy to share with my colleagues. I’m actually born and raised here in the USA. You see I’m not a semen kind of gal, was wondering if pussy juice cures anything?

        • Lillian fabricant Lillian fabricant says:

          The ONLY thing I know about anything is that a cat CANNOT become a Rabbi, no matter what, even if it only eats MOST of a rabbit, or has sung Tevya to wide acclaim in Fiddler On The Roof on broadway.

        • Barbara Bagwell Barbara Bagwell says:

          Ok, Nellie. Ew. I don’t even like cleaning the juicer after my second cousin’s accident.

      • Lillian fabricant Lillian fabricant says:

        Is THAT what it is?!? I thought it was a maggot eating a raisinette! He looks just like this big and tall super-loud gal my nephew Thommy met through his sailor bar friends, she was a big old thing whose earrings must have fallen off a dozen times, but they are certainly a handsome family, if you can think of them all as men. I didn’t have the heart to tell her someone had written ‘whore’ on her forehead in lipstick with a big arrow running down the middle of her face pointing at her mouth, but then she flawlessly touched it up without even glancing in a mirror, while Thommy called everyone in his phone book, which is pretty lady-impressive! Her nipples were actually more hairy than the one in the above photo, so they looked like a cat’s or a small dog’s anus with a tic tac stuck half in or half out. She was coo coo for cocoa puffs, she must of said seven times, whatever.

        • Barbara Bagwell Barbara Bagwell says:

          This is why bees make honey and wax. So hair removal is easier, of course I don’t begrudge anyone the gumption that wants to try this at home. Personally I like a mild sedative and maybe some music.