<National Report>The Reverend Pat Robertson, founder and long time leader of the Christian Broadcasting Network’s ’700 Club’, today announced a joint venture between himself, God and the 700 Club, whereby for a fee, Christians can become “Lifetime Partners’ and share in the words God had previously only spoken to Robertson himself. Robertson has for years claimed that God speaks to him exclusively, often giving him a ‘heads up’ regarding events that often do not occur, as well as special insights into a variety of subjects like sex, stepparenting, intolerance, rooms most conducive for women in the home and repeatedly dire warnings about socialism and “negro” presidents.
As an incentive to ‘Lifetime Partners’ program, the first message from God that Robertson promises to share is the exciting date of the Rapture itself, which the reverend claims that God had revealed to him just last weekend during an Easter Egg hunt with his great-great grandchildren.
In a frank admission, Robertson apologized to his audience for what he characterized as ‘charlatans’, ‘grifters’, and ‘just plain quackery’ in the multitude of Rapture predictions over the centuries which have always been wrong. “Though some who have predicted the Apocalypse, the Second Coming, or the Rapture, were well meaning, God fearing people, their pronouncements that God had spoken to them exclusively, were obviously self serving.”
Robertson went on to explain that “Lifetime Partners” (those members of his ’700 Club’ who ‘gift’ more than ten thousand dollars), would be receiving word of the impending date well ahead of those who ‘don’t love God as much’. In an act of what he called ‘scripturally inspired compassion’ Robertson added that he would be offering to reduce the “Lifetime Partners’ membership fee by 20% for all those who called in the next 60 minutes, and that if needed, he and his 700 Club might consider allowing inclusion in the ‘Lifetime Partners’ program until 2006, but no later.
The Reverend, who had not deviated from his usual rambling and incoherent style of preaching, then piqued the curiosity of his staff and viewers alike by revealing that there was still ample time to prepare for the Rapture given that it would not occur until the year 2007, though the month and exact day would remain a closely guarded secret known only and exclusively to ‘Lifetime Partners’ in good standing.