Reverend Pat Robertson Warns Followers to Prepare! ‘Rapture’ Coming In 2007!

PatRobertson<National Report>The Reverend Pat Robertson, founder and long time leader of the Christian Broadcasting Network’s ‘700 Club’, today announced a joint venture between himself, God and the 700 Club, whereby for a fee, Christians can become “Lifetime Partners’ and share in the words God had previously only spoken to Robertson himself.  Robertson has for years claimed that God speaks to him exclusively, often giving him a ‘heads up’ regarding events that often do not occur, as well as special insights into a variety of subjects like sex, stepparenting, intolerance, rooms most conducive for women in the home and repeatedly dire warnings about socialism and “negro” presidents.

As an incentive to ‘Lifetime Partners’ program, the first message from God that Robertson promises to share is the exciting date of the Rapture itself, which the reverend claims that God had revealed to him just last weekend during an Easter Egg hunt with his great-great grandchildren.

In a frank admission, Robertson apologized to his audience for what he characterized as ‘charlatans’, ‘grifters’, and ‘just plain quackery’ in the multitude of Rapture predictions over the centuries which have always been wrong. “Though some who have predicted the Apocalypse, the Second Coming, or the Rapture, were well meaning, God fearing people, their pronouncements that God had spoken to them exclusively, were obviously self serving.”

Robertson went on to explain that “Lifetime Partners” (those members of his ‘700 Club’ who ‘gift’ more than ten thousand dollars), would be receiving word of the impending date well ahead of those who ‘don’t love God as much’. In an act of what he called ‘scripturally inspired compassion’ Robertson added that he would be offering to reduce the “Lifetime Partners’ membership fee by 20% for all those who called in the next 60 minutes, and that if needed, he and his 700 Club might consider allowing inclusion in the ‘Lifetime Partners’ program until 2006, but no later.

The Reverend, who had not deviated from his usual rambling and incoherent style of preaching, then piqued the curiosity of his staff and viewers alike by revealing that there was still ample time to prepare for the Rapture given that it would not occur until  the year 2007, though the month and exact day would remain a closely guarded secret known only and exclusively to ‘Lifetime Partners’ in good standing.


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4 Responses to "Reverend Pat Robertson Warns Followers to Prepare! ‘Rapture’ Coming In 2007!"

  1. Brun says:

    Shut up and take my money!

  2. Cassidy Pen Cassidy Pen says:

    Everything of which the Rev. Robertson has explained is actually warning of a dire future and we’re supposed to stone an elderly man of God because the exact level of urgency might not be up to the level of biblical apocalypse that he thinks. You go ahead and cast first stone. I won’t be.
    Can you prove in a court of law that the Rev, Robertson did not believe 2007 would be the year of the tribulation? I doubt anyone can provide evidence that he is not a devout Christian and that scares leftists that want to destroy freedom of religion.

    • SMRT says:

      “I doubt anyone can provide evidence that he is not a devout Christian”

      I can. The method of proof is even from his own bible:

      “if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them” -Mark 16:18

      I got a few drinks for him to try. Lets see, I have some sulpheric acid, bleach, arsenic, pure liquid nicotine, cyanide… take your pick and lets see him prove himself..
      I should also add that if he (or any Christian) wants to take up the challenge, and survives, I will personally convert immediately and dedicate my life to spreading the good word… otherwise you’re all full of fecal-matter and know it (which is why nobody takes the challenge).

      SO, who’s first for a shot of Arsenic? Now’s your chance to prove an atheist dead wrong.

  3. Billion Dollar Babies says:

    Pat soils his diaper and then he says this kind of stuff for attention.
    Translation:Someone change me!

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