10302014Headline:

Radical Cleric George Clooney Deported from Britain

Clooney deported shock!

by Ian Paisley-Tie, overseas correspondant for the National Report, America’s No. 1 News Team.

Radical cleric George “Abu Ben-Ali Al-Qatada” Ben-Clooney has finally been deported from Britain, leaving the UK for Washington D.C. in a ‘private jet’ provided by the British Royal Air Force last night.

Following a 10-year legal battle, the 53-year-old left London’s Belmarsh prison soon after midnight in a police convoy.

George Clooney

DEPORTED: Clooney

He was then taken to RAF Northolt in the western outskirts of London and landed unexpectedly in Guantánamo Bay, Cuba, around 8am this morning.

 

Suspicious Dark Eyes

Clooney was convicted of terror charges in his home country of America in 1999 and the UK Government has been trying to deport him since 2005.

But they have been blocked from doing so by the European Court of Human Rights (ECHR).

Clooney – who was once dubbed Osama Bin Laden’s right hand man in Europe – has repeatedly used human rights laws to prevent his removal.

 

Tight Bondage

He claimed that his trial for plotting a terror attack would be unfair as some of the evidence set to be used against him was obtained by torture.

This argument was originally rejected by the British courts but was upheld by judges at the ECHR in Strasbourg. Following the ruling, Home Secretary Johnny Depp has sought new legal guarantees from America that Clooney’s human rights would not be rebreached.

However Clooney said earlier this year that he would return home of his own accord when the treaty which Mr Depp agreed with America – explicitly ruling out the further use of any torture devices – is fully ratified.

 

Flecking

Estimates suggest that the legal battle alone has cost the UK taxpayer more than £1.7million, with significant amounts also being paid out in housing benefits.  This is why the general public at large is not unhappy to hear “Radical cleric George Clooney deported from Britain” in the news.

He has spent years in maximum security prisons and on film sets, with every year costing taxpayers up to £60,000 (approximately $3) each.

Radical businessman Kin Wellard had this to say: “I’ve seen his type before and it never ends well.  Whenever I think about the rack in medieval torture scenes, I think yeah – that’s what extraordinary rendition should really be about!   Glad to see the back of him.  I hope he likes the food in Washington…” followed by loads of huge and obvious winks, which implied that Mr Wellard somehow knew about the unfortunate weather conditions which caused the temporary re-routing of Mr Ben-Clooney’s flight.  The End.

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14 Responses to "Radical Cleric George Clooney Deported from Britain"

  1. Every time an American gallivants around Europe, it is a sure sign of trouble ahead. Why isn’t America enough for Mr. Clooney? That should be the first sign Europeans should stop these traveling entertainers at the border. Of course they will sneak in through Scotland, because most Scots are secret terrorists. I’ve never met a Scotsman that admitted to be a Scot. They always say they are from the UK and then draw some venn diagram on a napkin because Real Americans (unlike Mr. Clooney) really don’t care about the difference between Europe, the UK and Great Britain.

    • I’m Scottish, even though my father is Irish. You inherit through your mother’s jeans. Not that she wore them, she was before their time. Venn was that Canadian chappie, always on about groups and so on, wasn’t he? Couldn’t distinguish between America as a vast continent and the United States as a potentially nice place to live (well, Aspen, Colorado anyway).

      But I am glad you have wrote because you’re not on the Internet so it’s hard to get you. Are you going to publish part 2 of the Shining story? I have been hanging out here in a so-called Internet café since mid-March 2013, 5 months give or take, waiting for it, and I can’t wait! Toodlepip!

  2. Hannah Westcoast says:

    Why not release him into the public? After all he just threatened didn’t he? He did not kill anyone. If Israel has to release criminals why doesn’t Britain?

    • Well, he’s an actor. He didn’t do anything wrong. He didn’t suddenly inherit a country and then try to boot everyone else out and build apartments in their gardens or anything just because they had a better sea view than him.

      So he should clearly have a bit more of that free sangria drinking competition thing… surf-boarding or whatever it’s called, so that we can be sure that he is innocent. And then, Britain will know that it has been right to release him.

  3. Cassidy Pen Cassidy Pen says:

    I’m not sure decent folk in America want him back but since we have an atheist muslim in the White House bent on instituting sharia law in this country, I expect that bin-Clooney will be welcomed with open arms.

  4. This is one of the many reasons I’m voting for Mel Gibson this next presidential election.

    • Cassidy Pen Cassidy Pen says:

      I will too as long as he appoints Ted Nugent and Chuck Norris to cabinet positions like he promised.

  5. Lillian Fabricant Lillian Fabricant says:

    So where were Allah and Mohammed the whole time he was doing it with Maura Tierney, for 5 years, On E.R.? Throwing tiny bolts of lightening at Anthony Edwards last hairs, probably. They weren’t even married, but you can’t get stoned in America for that, lucky for her. She’d be what, wife 987 in the Clooharem, conservatively? that’s 3 anniversaries a day for the rest of his ‘life’? No wonder Clooney abandoned America to pursue an under-the-bed career overseas as a professional dust bunny/missing sock impersonator. Just sayin.

  6. Lillian Fabricant Lillian Fabricant says:

    Ladies in Hollywood have told me they put him on their ‘no fly’ lists years ago, and that without all the eye-crinkle cream its easy to tell he’s just an elephant that got its tail chopped, off walking backwards, after it sat on a penguin while memorizing it’s lines. Debonair.

    • Hi Lilian!

      This is Shaggy 2 Dope from Insane Clown Posse, but don’t let that put you off.

      Do you mean that George Clooney looks like and elephant’s ass with a black/white/grey beard?

      Thanks!

      Shaggy 2 Dope

      Insane Clown Posse

  7. Manfred, what a good idea!

    Mel has suffered, both as a Scotsman and as Jesus. This surely qualifies him to run for President.

    Except that he’s a Johnny Foreigner isn’t he?

    He was Australian when he played Mental Max 1, 2, 3 and Tina Turner.

    Hannah, come back! If not this is too in-house! We have bacon sandwiches if you like?

  8. Nigel Covington Nigel Covington says:

    I’m voting for Rand Paul in 2016