by John D. Delta<National Report>SHISHMAREF, ALASKA – A group of armed men have overwhelmed and are occupying a Ranger station at the Bering Land Bridge National Preserve. The station is maintained by the United States Department of the Interior National Park Service. As many as three men were seen rushing toward the building with hunting rifles by Park Ranger Willard Coot, who was approaching the outpost on a snowmobile when he saw the men burst from behind a rock outcropping.
“I just shut the engine off and waited,” said Coot. “I was still about a hundred yards away, but they never looked my way once. I watched them try to kick the door in, but they gave up on that pretty quick. That’s a heavy door, and they looked kind of drunk.”
Coot said that the men were finally able to enter the building by shooting out a window. Coot confirmed that he was the only NPS employee on duty, and that shack was mostly empty, except for snowmobile parts and a radio.
“The skinny one hopped through the window and let the others in through the door,” he said. “I heard a bunch of hollering, and another shot. Then the fat one came out, took down the US flag out front, and ran a Russian one up the pole. Then he finally saw me, shook his fist, and ran back inside.”
Reaction from the White House has been swift. President Barack Obama hastily scheduled a 4:30 tee time at Congressional before ordering Secretary of State John Kerry to fly to Vancouver immediately to see what Canadians thought about the development.
“It’s going to take a coalition,” said Obama. “We can’t just go in there unilaterally. But if Putin thinks he can annex Alaska like he’s doing to Ukraine, well, all I can say is, he better get ready to kiss his Netflix account goodbye.”
Coot said that there really wasn’t any reason to become alarmed. “I’m pretty sure that it was Hank, Roscoe, and Billy. There ain’t but about nine white guys that live around here. There’s only a week’s worth of emergency rations in there, and that won’t last Hank two days. They’re just claiming to be Russian separatists because Billy – he’s the skinny one – probably thinks he can get out of paying the sales tax on his new fishing boat.”