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Portland’s Black Residents Reject Trader Joe’s In An Effort To Curb Hipster Infestation

trader-joes-portland-oregonThe sinister efforts of privileged whites were thwarted yet again last week after black residents refused to have a Trader Joe’s installed in their PDX neighborhood.

The trendy grocery chain that is popular primarily amongst white liberal bohemian types was scheduled to begin construction in North Portland later this year.

North Portland was once known to be a predominantly black neighborhood; That is until gentrification reared it’s ugly head. In as little as 10 years, the residents have watched their territory become infested with the hipster disease with rent skyrocketing as a result.

All the character of the once gritty district has been scrubbed clean and replaced with the cliche, homogenized dreck of artsy-fartsy affluence. The presence of Trader Joe’s would have just further affirmed the dominance of these banal elements, but not if the last remaining long-time black residents have anything to say about it.



Roberta Howell, program manager for North Portland’s Anti-Gentrification Alliance had the following to say in regards to circumventing the development of the white-owned food chain.

“It is common knowledge that once you install a Trader Joes, the hipsters begin to swarm like vermin all over freshly dropped bovine excrement. Nobody wants to try and navigate through a sea of fixie bikes and effeminate white men with overly manicured beards and sailor tattoos just to get a loaf of bread…”

“That is just straight up offensive. We are trying to preserve this hood, not turn it into another circus for boring moneyed transplants who have made the rest of our town uninhabitable. By rejecting Trader Joe’s we are sending a potent message to the rest of Portland and the two faced white liberals who occupy it. Go play freak-show somewhere else and stop meddling with our damn city!”

Other residents expressed frustration due to the fact that the swank market wouldn’t be making an appearance in their general vicinity anytime soon. Laurelei Lockheart, who relocated to Portland from San Diego to obtain her masters degree in modern femalia at Reed College was clearly irate over the decision.

“Now I have to ride my bike all the way to Whole Foods, I mean, like, what the hell? My parents only give me 2k a month to live off of and that is like, super hard when I have to do all this running around and stuff.

That neighborhood alliance or whatever really needs to just shut up. They might be able to live off of honey buns and Cheetoes but I can’t! I have food allergies to anything that’s not strictly organic!”

Clearly there will be a collective chorus of boos and hisses from those who would have welcomed the chain, but the verdict has already been read. Trader Joes, them black folk don’t much care for your kind ’round these parts!


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4 Responses to "Portland’s Black Residents Reject Trader Joe’s In An Effort To Curb Hipster Infestation"

  1. Anything is worth keeping those neckbeards out of a community.

  2. Hubaballoo says:

    “black residents?”

  3. The Pensioner says:

    What if TJ’s introduce a line of organic chitlins and micro-brewed fo’ties, that would appeal to the Negros…

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