<NR>It has been two whole days since the first traces of the frighteningly advanced Super-Clap reared its ugly head in the North West city of Portland Oregon.
Warnings have been issued over the local television and radio stations pleading with citizens to abstain from sexual activity until scientists can devise a plan of action.
New information has been unearthed regarding the aggressive STI which abducted the city’s private-parts like a Shanghai Surprise last week. The virus appears to be a close relative to the gonorrhea HO41 bug that was found two years ago in a 31-year-old Japanese sex worker. The genesis of the virus stems from squalid living conditions of impoverished people where health and safety are an unaffordable luxury.
The people of Portland Oregon have somehow managed to replicate the filthy living conditions of an alleyway brothel simply by merit of their degeneracy. Perversity the likes of which would make Caligula himself to shudder in abject revulsion.
National media coverage on the crisis has been decidedly scarce. This could be primarily due to the rest of the United States regarding Portland Oregon as a joke of sorts.
Meanwhile on the internet, multiple debates concerning Portland’s future continue to rage on. The most generally agreed upon solution is to quarantine the entire city and let God sort out the casualties. Majority of Americans hope to severe all ties with this 21st century Sodom And Gomorrah and be done with the entire shameful debacle.
I couldn’t agree more with the antidote. This journalist has already began packing her bags and is looking forward to moving onto pastures anew. A place where the people aren’t in a 24 hour drunken stupor, espousing their uneducated liberal politics. A place without major crime, or narcotic abusers prowling the darkened streets. Someplace nice, like Gresham Oregon or Vancouver Washington.
Jane M. Agni, signing off…