08202014Headline:

Portland Oregon Host To Deadly New Strain Of Sexually Transmitted Disease

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The City Of Roses Hasn’t Been Smelling So Fresh Recently

(Portland, OR) – A new STD has emerged in the free-spirited, bohemian mecca known as the City Of Roses. Surrounded by conservatives and farmland, Portland, Oregon acts as the states’ personal Australia; A prison settlement where only the most erotically venereal, politically misinformed and emotionally damaged of individuals congregate. Existing in its own stagnate microcosm of empty, alcohol-induced human sexuality, the residents have bred an entirely new form of sexually transmitted disease.

The Center For Reproductive Health And Human Resources issued the follow statement :

“What we’re seeing is a mutated conglomeration of previously recognized¬† STI coming together to form something the medical community has never seen before… Similar to the advent of what is commonly known as ‘Super AIDs’ this new virus is born from the excessive genetic cross-breeding of previously existing STIs.¬† It’s strongly suggested that the residents of Portland, OR attempt to uphold a modicum of chastity and dignity as we attempt to figure this thing out… The county–no–the world’s future depends on your ability to remain celibate…”


Descriptions of the medical affliction include open sores and painful swelling of the genitalia. The real threat is the low success rate of treatment, leading to a serious blood infection and the complete inability to urinate. This can quickly escalate to a ruptured bladder and toxic shock if not treated by a doctor immediately.

The initial reports indicate that 1/4th of the entire population of the city is infected with this new disease. Some may not even know it yet because of the extended gestation period wherein it is still transmittable. The virus lies dormant several months before the infected begins showing any sign of illness. It’s for this reason the number of cases continue to rise exponentially.

We hope the people of PDX will heed the warnings. National Report will keep our readers up-to-date as the crisis unfolds.

 

BREAKING: Portland Oregon Super-STD Crisis Follow Up – Important New Information Regarding The Virus



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459 Responses to "Portland Oregon Host To Deadly New Strain Of Sexually Transmitted Disease"

  1. Ash Bent says:

    Hey yes I have been to your city and you have some if the most nastiest whores I have ever seen. Trashy, drunk methed out whores.

    • Elie says:

      Are the whores in your city safe and clean and sober?

      • Oregon says:

        I find it ironic that you can be overly critical on Oregonians because of an outbreak or epidemic that could of started anywhere. Facts are meth addiction is an epidemic that is within the whole United States, not just Oregon. California, New York, Illinois, and Nevada have bigger issues with drugs, alcohol, and prostitution. Please keep your narrow minded opinion to yourself.

        • IMD1 says:

          Ya, well the thing is; meth addiction and promiscuity kinda go hand in hand. A high majority of people who use the drug do regularly engage in some sort of sexual kink involving long hours of continual sexual play. A meth head often has no inhibitions or regret for that matter. It’s a selfish me me me pathetic little world of debauchery, betrayal, and hedonism. They don’t seem to care who’s got what, it’s particular strain, (Wear a condom please. Or where have you been all night? seems to meet with multiple excuse replies or fall on deaf ears entirely almost 90% of the time ) It’s a very selfish existence. Just in the past year there have been a record number of reported cases relating to a rather sneaky and deadly strain of syphilis. Most have responded well to treatment but a lot of people were showing up with stage 3 syphilis. I’m just currently researching this after just barely surviving a two year relationship with a rather unassuming yet very damaging meth head who’s pretty much just like the creepers he associates with. For the most part they’re a bunch of walking accumulatory STD miseries that never sleep and weigh in on average about 140 lbs wet.

          • IMD1 says:

            Ya, well the thing is; meth addiction and promiscuity kinda go hand in hand. A high majority of people who use the drug do regularly engage in some sort of sexual kink involving long hours of continual sexual play. A meth head often has no inhibitions or regret for that matter. It’s a selfish me me me pathetic little world of debauchery, betrayal, and hedonism. They don’t seem to care who’s got what, it’s particular strain, (Wear a condom please. Or where have you been all night? seems to meet with multiple excuse replies or fall on deaf ears entirely almost 90% of the time ) It’s a very selfish existence. Just in the past year there have been a record number of reported cases relating to a rather sneaky and deadly strain of syphilis. Most have responded well to treatment but a lot of people were showing up with stage 3 syphilis. I’m just currently researching this after just barely surviving a two year relationship with a rather unassuming yet very damaging meth head who’s pretty much just like the creepers he associates with. For the most part they’re a bunch of walking accumulatory STD miseries that never sleep and weigh in on average about 120 lbs wet.
            The thing is, it’s everywhere. Meth addiction is huge. THAT’S WHAT PEOPLE SHOULD BE WORRIED ABOUT. None of them seem to care about anything. Not even the about the people who love them or that they once loved prior to using crystal meth. It’s everywhere and they certainly don’t care about you. Even if they say they do.. Really.

    • Elfin Slade says:

      Hell yes, these are the best whores!

    • Oregon says:

      How would you know? Sleep with any of them you shit

  2. thenjoylife says:

    Well Jane, you certainly found a lot of hateful people. Guess you have to live outside of Oregon to find the humor in ALL of this.

  3. Jeffrey says:

    Of course I was kidding about spreading syphilis. I don’t even have it and I’m tested regularly for all STD’S. You should too

  4. Oregon says:

    This is all a bunch of bull shit.

  5. Two Replies says:

    Gotta love autobiographies. ^_^

  6. Richard says:

    It’s a fake story. The sorry pathetic piece of shit that spewed this out is nothing more than an arrogant, ignorant hater.

  7. hungfarlow says:

    Looks like I’m gonna stick to masterbating the rest of my life

  8. Broc walton says:

    I knew their was a reason I couldnt hook up with a hippy lol its cuz god loves me more than them, fuckin epiphanies bro!! so grand these realizations

  9. Liberty says:

    First rule of journalism-if your mother says she loves you check it out.
    Don’t believe everything you read. We are a society that lacks skepticism.
    Anyone ever thought that this was made up as a way to feed the pretentious attitudes people have towards Portland and Oregon as a whole?

  10. Portlander says:

    http://www.snopes.com/politics/satire/std.asp
    I admit though…
    We have SO MANY STRIP CLUBS it can be pretty sleazy by night in certain areas. We have a lot of things that make Portland wonderful though~~

  11. Justin Robinson says:

    How dare you describe Australia like this? Typical Yanks who think they are better than everyone else..

  12. Vegas says:

    BEST. COMMENTS. EVER. !!!! LOL!! “Are you not entertained??!”

  13. Oregonasism says:

    Portland needs to update it’s menu at the all you can eat sex buffet, the choices as of late bore me!

  14. Bubba says:

    Ever been to Reno? Yeah, you haven’t seen whores until you’ve been to Nevada.

  15. Jon says:

    Ironically, the author’s desk is a “prison settlement where only the most erotically venereal, politically misinformed and emotionally damaged of individuals congregate. Existing in his own stagnate microcosm of empty, alcohol-induced human sexuality.” really? 1/4th of the population eh? lol… maybe its a government conspiracy, or maybe the zombie apocalypse is just around the corner too? scary! lol

  16. John M says:

    I live in the state of Arizona and although this is a conservative state I am appalled at all the judgments made in this article. Rather than presenting an unbiased, scientifically evidence based article to help people, you use your pulpit to reign down accusations on other people you share this tiny little planet with. One day we are either going to all get along and help each other to be the best that we can be and achieve what we can as a race, or we will simply die out from pettiness and greed. Our lives are so short and we waste these great opportunities to help our fellow human beings.

    P.S. I hope you don’t count this post as interested drummed up by one of your excellent writers, they waste their talents.

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