(Portland, OR) – A new STD has emerged in the free-spirited, bohemian mecca known as the City Of Roses. Surrounded by conservatives and farmland, Portland, Oregon acts as the states’ personal Australia; A prison settlement where only the most erotically venereal, politically misinformed and emotionally damaged of individuals congregate. Existing in its own stagnate microcosm of empty, alcohol-induced human sexuality, the residents have bred an entirely new form of sexually transmitted disease.
The Center For Reproductive Health And Human Resources issued the follow statement :
“What we’re seeing is a mutated conglomeration of previously recognized STI coming together to form something the medical community has never seen before… Similar to the advent of what is commonly known as ‘Super AIDs’ this new virus is born from the excessive genetic cross-breeding of previously existing STIs. It’s strongly suggested that the residents of Portland, OR attempt to uphold a modicum of chastity and dignity as we attempt to figure this thing out… The county–no–the world’s future depends on your ability to remain celibate…”
Descriptions of the medical affliction include open sores and painful swelling of the genitalia. The real threat is the low success rate of treatment, leading to a serious blood infection and the complete inability to urinate. This can quickly escalate to a ruptured bladder and toxic shock if not treated by a doctor immediately.
The initial reports indicate that 1/4th of the entire population of the city is infected with this new disease. Some may not even know it yet because of the extended gestation period wherein it is still transmittable. The virus lies dormant several months before the infected begins showing any sign of illness. It’s for this reason the number of cases continue to rise exponentially.
We hope the people of PDX will heed the warnings. National Report will keep our readers up-to-date as the crisis unfolds.