On Sunday (not long after this article is published), the world’s most popular sporting event will be kicking off, as the World Cup wraps up with its final match between Germany and Argentina… well, unless you live in North Korea, that is. According to their state-run news agencies, the World Cup final is already over and involved neither team, but did result in a huge, crushing victory for North Korea — and star midfielder Kim Jong Un — over the United States.
“North Korea has won it! We have won the World Cup!” shouted exuberant announcers on the country’s televised evening state news. “What a glorious victory for our dear leader! What a glorious victory for the true Korea! And what an embarrassing loss for the evil United States!”
North Korea’s government-run media have plotted out a vastly different World Cup from the real one that will conclude today. They claim that the North, who did not participate in the real World Cup, had topped out their group stage against the United States (in second place), England, and South Korea, who “pitifully lost by a score of twelve goals to nil.” North Korea also “crushed” the United States in the group stage with an eight-nil score line.
The North Korean team then went on to defeat Japan in the round of 16, China in the quarter-finals, and then Brazil in the semifinals, with a 7-1 score line that marks the only realistic moment in the nation’s fictional account of the World Cup, with all of North Korea’s scores being huge victories, the smallest of which was their 2-0 win over China. Meanwhile, the seemingly lackluster United States managed to reach the final only barely, with 1-0 wins or victories resulting narrowly from penalty shootouts.
But the big game came on Sunday, July 13th, as North Korea faced off against their mortal enemies, the United States, who in real life were knocked out of the World Cup by Belgium in the round of 16. The fake game was broadcast “live” on every television and radio station in the country, as North Koreans huddled together to hear what they believed to be a very dramatic, almost legendary match.
During the game, American movie star Sylvester Stallone crossed a high-flying ball into the box for an early, fast-paced Clint Dempsey goal, leaving North Korea reeling. But moments later, North Korean striker and team Captain Hong Yong-Jo managed to land a scorching 30-yard goal into the back of the net. The first half ended with a score of 3-2, with the US narrowly beating out North Korea.
Tragedy would strike in the second half, when North Korean midfielder Jang Myong-Il had both of his legs brutally broken after Stallone tackled him, allegedly at the behest of US President Barack Obama, who was apparently dishing out the orders to the team, all while FIFA turned a blind eye. The score line was an embarrassing 7-2, with the North losing horribly. That left North Korean Head Coach Yun Jong-Su with no other option but to bring in a substitute… the country’s “dear leader” himself, Kim Jong Un.
Kim Jong Un took to the pitch in the game’s 61st minute, scoring an almost immediate goal in the 62nd minute. Another goal came from Kim Jong Un in the 73rd minute, then another in the 75th. The Dictator managed to pick up a yellow card after fouling Stallone hard enough to send him off the pitch, and was threatened with a warning after kicking the ball at Barack Obama, breaking his nose.
At the 90-minute mark, the teams were level at 8-8, with just three minutes of stoppage time added to the clock. The Americans came close to scoring a few goals, hitting the crossbar or barely getting saved by North Korea’s Ri-Myong Guk. But at the 92:59 mark, Kim Jong Un managed to score an incredible David Beckham-esque goal from the half-way line, bringing home a major victory for North Korea over the United States.