Woods Hole, MA -Scientists from Boston University, working jointly with colleagues from the La Jolla, California based Scripps Oceanographic Research Institute’s College of Marine Bio/Psychological Research Center have announced breakthroughs in Animal Communications Sciences that are yielding shocking repercussions in the fields of Bioethics, Human Psychology and Genetic Engineering, as they scramble to make sense of the stunning findings related to the DCP (dolphin communications program), a DARPA-funded government project that began in the mid 1960′s.
Lead Scientist Alessio Romero smiled broadly and had trouble concealing his huge excitement that he and his team members were feeling as he attempted to walk us through some of the initial findings. Basically, for years dolphin language specialists have been training the intelligent sea mammals to associate differently colored and marked discs with letters of the human alphabet, but until now the evidence has always been inconclusive as to whether the sonic marvels were actually understanding the things they were saying or just blindly regurgitating the simple thoughts introduced by the Cetacean Speech Therapy Specialists in the controlled learning environments. At best it was believed, by most experts in the field, that the dolphins would indicate they understood or believed what they were told, no matter what it was, in order to get more fish rewards, leading scientists to conclude they possessed a level of self awareness thus implicated by an ability to self-deceive. The new data has turned all of that on its head.
Three of the test subjects, all male, who have been raised in captivity by humans, were separated from their parents at birth and have never met a wild dolphin, due to overcrowding at the state of the art facility and strict experimental protocols, though they could occasionally view other dolphins through a soundproof screen. Without ever displaying any interest in other dolphins, but a keen fascination with the language chips, these special individuals, in the space of less than a week, amazingly began spelling out replies to questions from their main therapist, Marta Grunewald, after she accidentally spilled a carton of almost a thousand lettered discs into their enclosure after slipping on a bathing suit cap laying on top of a fish head. When colleagues helped her back to her feet they were shocked to see bobbing in the slots where the chips had to be nosed into place, in English, the words “help marta, fishfoot!” The use of the comma chip and the exclamation point chip, along with the astounding nature of the message itself, left the scientists, if not the dolphins, at a momentary loss for words.
Since that astounding moment of revelation the three dolphins have demonstrated a rudimentary use of concepts with an unerring sense of grammatical correctness, and a markedly liberal or progressive political bent in their responses, and over 94% of all their self-initiated requests have pertained to either what their trainers were wearing, often in a highly critical, usually unanimous vote of disapproval, except for the appearance of medical technician Skylar Dodson, a lanky former surfer who oversees the filtration machinery and does the late night feedings. The Dolphins love to tease the tanned electrician and immediately begin to spell out conflicting messages that he looks marvelous, shoaly or tunaficious, even if he wears the same drab wetsuit everyone else in the compound does or goes shirtless. Or, they encourage him relentlessly to remove all his clothing urgently and join them in the warm, shoaly water, by their nickname for him, Blue Whale. If Mr. Dodson is not present, the cheerful dolphins spell out urgent inquiries into the possibility of a 4th, younger, weaker dolphin being added to the tank, a smooth, parasite-free one. They do not respond to religious inquiries, and listen as intently to junior female scientists in equal proportion to that of their more senior, famous male colleagues. The eldest two of the three dolphins(Flippy, Looper and Fapwad), Flippy and Looper, are derisive and become panicky over anything gun related, but Fapwad’s views on the constitution are harder to follow. All three have expressed an interest in paying higher taxes to insure a stable supply of delicious fish harvested in such a manner as to maintain a healthy, stable population in the wild.
Dr. Romero stresses that his team has attempted, repeatedly and without success, to direct the communications to a simple, child-like level in order to generate a baseline from which to proceed with quantifiable stages of intelligence experimentation, but in fact the scientists have found themselves trying to keep up with the musings of the philosophically-leaning mammals. “We are having to do all sorts of reading at night to get all of their references, and it turns out they have a wicked sense of humor, especially if you pretend to be familiar with one of their ideas or try to make a point by quoting figures from talk radio. The Dolphins claim they can hear everything through the satellite transmission tower due to a new, experimental device inserted into their prefrontal cortex, a GPS/RFID chip similar to the one used in the Hanna, Wyoming trial underway with human beings.”, said Dr. Romero, adding that “The most frustrating aspect of all this communication is actually documenting it in real time, when they are all disc-talking at the same time, that and all of them ending each sentence with “Where Skylar, whitey?”
Dr. Landon Conrad performed underwater brain scans ( fMRI’s) of the subjects and found a pattern of signaling in the posterior cingulate gyrus that matched perfectly with those of several gay or liberal human employees, and for a lark he began comparing the rapidly flashing sequence to a “Larger set of brain scans the government provided us, a data set covering a broad spectrum of correlated personality traits, gathered in a most randomized fashion, we were assured.”, Dr. Conrad went on, adding ” The Computer analyzed this massive amount of data, and by knowing what to look for and where, almost immediately produced the shocking, and still disputed, finding that Liberals, alone, of all the scans (hundreds of thousands of unidentified citizens) ever exhibited, flagrantly, the dolphin pattern, called Fapwad 8.5tun, whereas not a single conservative brain or regular watcher of Fox News EVER demonstrated the pattern, even for a single moment, ever. Put on this headset, right here, and in under three minutes I can tell you more about your voting history than even Karl Rove or Barack Obama knows.”
Dr. Conrad has formed a private company in the aftermath of the discovery, Politibaby, which provides an Ap available for I-phone, Android or in-clinic terminal use that can screen newborn infants for their future political associations and voting destiny, and the Ap has been available in the Itunes Store for nearly three weeks now, for $1.59.
In perhaps related news, officers from Police and Fire Departments, as well as Park Service Rangers across the south and midwest have reported a spate of exposure-related deaths of infants and toddlers at rates not seen since the Depression, when records of such activity first began to be collected, as well as a sharp rise in the number of reported WCIDS incidences (Wandering Children without IDs), a problem legislators have attempted to address repeatedly following the re-election of potentially american President of America Barack Hussein Obama. The link to the Dolphin findings regarding Liberalism has been difficult to prove, however, as the dead baby brain patterns are really boring flat lines, making it impossible to be sure of the corpses’s political leanings and perversions at the estimated time of their exposure deaths.