<National Report Home Office> Delia Cardigan has written a daily horoscope column for select Gannett Newspapers in multiple regional markets since 1982. Like a dog who can smell tumors in your breast, for a treat, The National Report feels you, too, are in for one, with her new special monthly column written just for us. We welcome introducing our readers to her toothsome, positive, touchy take on everybody’s recurrent personal shortcomings, and hope you will look forward to her time of the month as much as she knows you will. Follow The National Report to find out what Ms. Cardigan sees coming your way, up to four weeks before it’s too late. Take advantage of the advance warnings her insights afford, if you can!
Greetings, readers new and old, and young, or ugly or republican (hopefully) or otherwise as your case may be, for I, Delia Cardigan, feel you out there, suffering, loving, and agonizing over those potential purchases and personal problems, and the universe has seen, in a fit of wisdom, to send me here to advise you. The sages of time eternal change with the seasons, and like a little celery seed trapped in the tooth of a mystic oracle unbeholden to Satan, the irritating truths about your troubles are made visible to me like a fleck of spittle on the eyewear of our lives. Clarity of vision CAN be yours, if you will just listen harder, Dear Ones!
On a personal note, this column will be my first directed specifically at a conservative readership, and I’m thrilled to fine tune my psychic machinery to a population that is less self-deceived, and more morally upright, than the larger citizenry with which it generously shares its country, despite their sadly more scattered, do-it-for-me mentality. To be clear, my dears, my long view of the approaching closing off of The Vision removes any personal interest I myself might of had concerning the vicissitudes of the political battles that consume the lives of others. I am a Neutral, in so many ways, and that is what draws the spirits from beyond that have something, sometimes a lot, to say, to me, mostly about me bringing their wisdom to you. Along with their messages about your futures, alas, come those predictably requisite troubled souls, they that are themselves those among us who are just, let’s say, a little TOO into Neutrals. As this comes up with an oscillating frequency, I am compelled by all that is Holy to remind my readers that while, yes, I am here to serve them, I am neither available to, nor interested in, meeting lonely men or dykes. And my heartfelt thanks go out to you ALL, for having so many, and varied, troubles and failings…for I am here to help you understand them.
Your Horoscope, for those that are already spangled by the stars, for the month of December, 2013, follows:
Aries, March 21 to April 19:
Aries Woman: With a birthday under 4 months away, arguing with the doctors will avail you nought, no matter how stridently obnoxious you are about it. In all fifty states, it is too late to terminate the pregnancy, so go back home and tell your husband, or find your ‘boyfriend’. Do not worry, you are as persuasive as ever, and the stars tell me his parents are decent enough folk. Know that you and all those babies are all going to share the same birthday! We all carry a little African DNA, no, it is true, because of Cleopatra, but it’s not enough to worry about in your case.
Aries Man: Boo-Yeah, you knew it at the time by how bad she loved it, but sometimes no really does mean no. But not this time, stud. Her false negative pregnancy test means a little version of you is on the way. If you are reading this, control your temper. Stroke, don’t hit, the ball of hormones you’re stuck with. It IS yours, Papa!
Taurus, April 20 to May 20:
Old Tauri: There is no door you cannot get through, despite your age, though it may require your skill with tools if it is a small apartment or a window. It is normal to become enraged at the very sight of cherry pie by this time in your life, especially as it is hard for anyone to feel much of anything about yet another colorless tampon. Ask yourself, are you ready for the responsibility of a goldfish, honestly, or should you just focus on spending more time in a spot of shade and drifting off to sleep for all eternity?
Young Tauri: You are not inclined to listen; If you were, you wouldn’t hear it anyway. Your music is too loud. Turn it down, before you discover, the hard way, that the sword is not a musical instrument.
Gemini, May 21 to June 20:
Gemini Woman: This is the month! You are either in the mood to do it, or you aren’t. He’s through begging. But remember…God is watching you, or someone who looks a lot like you, or, perhaps, He isn’t.
Gemini Man: Pay no heed to the nagging doubts you may have about your candidate’s ability to relate to women voter’s needs. Look at his wife. She is hot. Look at your wife. Same number of kids. You only think you know something about anything, but whatever that is, it doesn’t involve her.
Cancer, June 21 to July 22:
All Cancers: As always: So sad, so sad. Having the worst sign is no picnic, which is just one of the kinds of thing you will no longer be able to attend after the 13th of this month. You can also all expect some mild cases of food poisoning from the bowl that had the potato salad in it.
Leo, July 23 to August 22:
Rich Leo: Subtlety is never your strongest suit, but if you’ve come this far you can’t afford not to be generous, and, after all, it’s just a law. Written and payed for by another Rich Leo, probably. So why shouldn’t you have yours? Just leave the money on his desk,and leave quietly without breaking any vases. You can roar about it later.
Poor Leo: Yes, you are still the most fun one at any party…the most fun one to laugh at. People will always love you, no matter how embarrassed they are by what you wear. It’s great that you’ve lined your bedroom with floor length mirrors, but your true charm is that it never occurs to you to question why you are getting so many every year at christmas.
Virgo, Aug 23 to September 22:
Virgo Chaps: Fight your urge to fuss and fret about losing political battles. The Gays are here to stay. Besides, if it didn’t count with your girlfriends before you married one of them, why on earth would it start counting now? But don’t forget, if you look at him, during, you will die.
Virgo Chippies: Your friends all know how meticulous you are about your appearance, these days, but if you keep getting ‘Tina Fey” instead of “Sarah Palin”, you may want to consider shaving those arms and quitting your job.
Libra, September 23 to October 22:
Libra Voter: What you are, and how you are perceived, are very different things. But you can always be counted on to betray someone, clumsily, due to your lack of creativity. A true ‘liberal’ doesn’t have to fake their stupidity and bad spelling skills just to be popular.
Libra Independent: Who are you kidding, you have never voted. You have no idea what you are doing, what to believe, or who to look at in a conversation (the person speaking, btw, duh). You only vote Republican by random error, and because you like property.
Scorpio, Oct 23 to November 21:
Scorpio Stinger: It’s not a bribe if the Lobbyist can’t implicate you without implicating themselves worse. If that fails, remember how much the Senator’s teenage son liked your pants, enough to say so, even though he was very, very nervous.
Scorpio Stingette: If, despite all your hard work and long hours, you still aren’t seeing the results you demand, it may be time to get all that down there Mentholated by The Surgeon General…if this urban outreach program is going to be any fun at all, and not just dangerous.
Sagittarius, November 22 to December 21:
All Sagittaritards: The stars are unclear about many things for those born under this house, which is definitely where that smell is coming from. For thou were conceived under electionless skies, in march, before it gets nice outside. The stars have a lot of things to look at, many of them quite interesting, but only a special few in the heavens above can stand wasting time on the word “Sagittarius”. Something about livestock stuttering ( an ancient sign of disease), and spitting on an arrow. Everyone’s tits sag, eventually, yet it is only those born under this sign that cause it to happen regularly to others. Don’t be afraid, given the opportunity, to touch Donald Trump, but don’t expect any miracles either. The stars also say to clean your bathroom.
Capricorn, December 22 to January 19:
Ram Bros: Butting heads with bros and eating out of tin cans was fine in college, but it is time to wipe your face off and get serious about forcing yourselves onto the lucky vessel of your desires, before the liberal forces or a black guy get there first, and totally wreck it.
Ram Betties: Being able to farm and fjord raging rivers are not the most delicate of charms, but being able to kick down your sister’s door has a few benefits worth noting, among them giving you the perfect reason to break it off with your boyfriend. Even in the face of decent christian morality, one’s failings and shame can be tempered by humble service to the weak, pathetic and gross ‘men’ out there, and yours may be the ministrations that save these ineligibles from the life of sensitivity and liberalism awaiting them if they abandon hope in ever not being laughed at by the other guys. It is your fault if that happens, so stop being so stuck up all the time. Remember, in real life, there was a reason why “Caprica” was so much worse than ‘Battlestar Galactica”. You.
Aquarius, January 20 to February 18:
Waitresses: Your piercings are your business, but don’t hold your breath if a customer finds one in his water. The law will say it is his. Unless it still attached to your body at the time. Either way, you’re fired.
Pisces, February 19 to March 20:
What, are you still here? Everybody thinks you died, like, a year ago, probably from an overdose. NO, stop it, right now.There’s no such thing as Mermaids and Mermen. Go back to making your seaweed Barack and Michelle Obama mounds and write out some more cards with your name on them, just in case. NO! Don’t hug those people. NO! Off!