A special branch of the Center For Disease Control, based in Atlanta, has just announced the upcoming publication of the results of a three year study co-funded by DARPA, the military’s secretive research and development program, in conjunction with the NBA, Major League Baseball and SUPERPETS Rescue and Adoption, a Savannah-based not for profit service dedicated to finding homes for unwanted pets and returning veterans.
Among the results of the study, which was designed to look at the behavioral adjustment the animals experienced after being placed in a variety of homes, are some surprising observations, along with quite a few that seem pretty obvious, even to the many Americans who cannot do science themselves or understand it, let alone believe a word of it because of the discipline’s historic links to the liberal agenda and the shared anti-religious views espoused by its practitioners. According to Henry Groton, one of the leaders of the study, they have waited on releasing this data since January, when the results and analysis were completed, due mostly to this common perception of being talked down to by someone who’s relative ‘nerd quotient’ – compared to the typical science naysayers out there – simply makes them too uncomfortable to trust any of the facts revealed in any scientific paper, in this case one about a carefully controlled study of differences between the pets of Gay Couples and the pets of Straight Couples.
Throughout the double-blind study scientists looked closely at the resulting changes in behaviors, diet, ability to share in household duties, desire for leg sex with owner, levels and types of whining, and achievement in personal style exhibited by a cohort of genetically identical Golden Retrievers, cloned from a female bitch called Michelle specifically for the study, and a similarly identical group of clones of a Shorthaired Tabbycat called Brucer. Eighty of each of these dogs and cats were placed into stable environments and carefully controlled to account for outside influences such as affluence, christian moral values of decency, uncleanliness and depravity, and vegetarianism, among other factors. All the animals were deaf as well, a possible side effect of the cloning process (with tantalizing implications for possible therapies for humans who suffer from extra-hearing disabilities), but one that scientists used to great advantage because it insured the experimental animals would not be persuaded by any partisan conversations they might overhear in their new homes.
Half of the Michelles and half of the Brucers each went to either a gay couple’s confusing, pillow- and-chinese-baby-filled environment or the slovenly,toy ridden clutter of the home of a straight couple with children, with half of each of those dogs and cats also respectively being assigned to an empty loveless home without any kind of baby at all, the desperate, sad, emotionally void home of gay and straight couples just going through the motions who thought a small stipend, free veterinarian services and a puppy or a kitten might save their marriage, or in some cases and states, ‘marriage’.
A few extra of the deaf creatures were given as consolation prizes to returning servicemen and servicewomen that regular people are too nervous to be around because of the PTSD they picked up from sandy foreigners. These poor souls, with their super-sensitivity to loud noises and sudden movements, have found a new reason to go on as helper people to the unhearing cat or dog they must now be responsible for if they want to remain on disability as part of the armed forces”Back In Action” program, which is financed entirely by cuts to wages and benefits of new enlistees.
After 24 months all the animals were collected and destroyed so that their brains, spines and toenails and poops could be examined for any changes to the sequencing in their DNA (there was none), and animal psychologists monitored each cat’s and dog’s responses to their fellow clones’s final drug assisted moments, which occurred in a shared environment in a building formerly used for the filming of the popular series ‘The Weakest Link” which was purchased by the government in February 2009 immediately after Barack Obama took office. In the circular assembly room the animals were destroyed one by one in the presence of each other over a 2 day period, to see if any of the pets from either home seemed happier to go than those raised in the other kind of home. Aside from the escape of three cats and one pregnant dog who, surprisingly, cooperated with each other to ambush a medical technician and were caught on video tape exiting the building under the cover of her lab coat and driving off in her car while everyone else was busy looking at the antics of one of the straight couple dogs (Michelle 36) trying, comically, to avoid a long needle, but who ceased to offer any kind of resistance at all the moment she saw that her comrades had escaped the chamber.
After adjusting the data to correct for that and any other factors coloring the data without causality, the study clearly showed that the dogs and cats owned by straight people were far better at being able to watch golf on television and consumed a much greater number of pizza crusts when no human was paying attention to them or was out in the kitchen getting beers. Whereas the pets of gays became increasingly agitated and exasperated when forced to view the same programs, in direct proportion to the amount of time anything golf related appeared on screen. The Gay Home animals were often seen jumping or sitting upon the remote repeatedly or clawing or chewing the furniture while hissing and/or whining, dramatically throwing themselves down on cushions and biting pillows in distress until someone finally switched to the Food Network channel. Straight-raised dogs in particular were far more likely to be involved in hunting and shooting accidents resulting in the deaths of their owners and once a deer, while both gaylord cats and dogs consistently broke 73% more vases, curios, framed pictures of hot guys and other nice things than the items destroyed by pets in straight households, where damage to collections of Teddy Bears massed on the beds of guest rooms were the single most common complaints from their owners, along with the higher rates of gross drinking from the toilet.
When it came to fashion, the cohort of miserable pets of the straight people all exhibited the exact same behavior, laying like sodden bags of flour in a coma-like stupor at the sight of the hideous, ill-fitting cheap things brought out during a perfectly nice nap that they were then expected to wear as a punishment for something really awful they must have done but had absolutely no idea what it might have been. In the tarted-up gay households, all the rampant endless gay sex was constantly being interrupted by pets that dragged the outfits they wished to model into the bedroom, onto the floor of the bathroom, up the stairs, into the garage, beneath the van, onto the kitchen table, up to the neighbor’s teenage son, down to the men’s room at the bus depot and onto the rim of the hot tub. In addition, both cats and dogs of same-sexers could flawlessly select matching collars and leashes to tie together the smartly tailored, hand-stitched costume elements with whatever color nail polish was painted on their claws at the time. The pets of straight couples also scratched themselves all the time in public and ate a lot more barf than the homo-homed ones, who tended to look you straight in the eye while slowly licking their genitals, all the while knowing where the cameras in the room were, and who there really understood their good angles, given the lighting, which was generally excellent and flattering.
In the seven households that turned out to be run by bisexual couples or vegans, all the pets took their own lives very early on in the study, which is to be published in the September issue of Nature following it’s online release in The Journal Of Modern Veterinary Practices.