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National Report’s Weekend Update: From Coachella 2014 Music Festival

Hippies at Coachella's Do Lab

Hippies at Coachella’s Just Do Lab

By Rayne Covetti
Field Journalist
Saturday, April 19, 2014

<National Report> This weekend I was assigned to cover the Coachella Music Festival for the last two days of the event on April 19 & 20th. As a good Christian girl I have attended plenty of Christian music festivals but never any rock concerts and I was looking forward to the new experience.

I arrived at the Empire Polo Club on Friday where the venue was already underway. It was an odd place to hold a festival I thought since the location is out in the middle of the God-forsaken Mojave Desert in Indio, California. If you’ve never visited Indio you haven’t missed a thing. Indio is Riverside County’s largest ghetto. The city in many church circles is known as “God’s toilet” I learned.

As I walked around taking in the sights I took note of the only performer in the line up I recognized. It was that dubstep sodomite known as Skillrex. Skillrex is a well-known ‘dubstepper’ who plays EDM (Electronic Devil Music) mostly to an underage audience of misguided drug addled teens. Meanwhile the band Thudfucker was on stage spewing out some anti-Christian blasphemy with obscene lyrics promoting drug use and sodomy.

Dirty hippies jam to the music of Thudfucker

Dirty hippies jam to the music of Thudfucker

I stopped by the VIP area at the Rose Garden for a cold drink and to use the lady’s room. I walked into the woman’s restroom and was shocked to see two men in drag engaging in anal fornication right on top the counter where the mirrors and sinks are located. I quickly dashed into a stall and locked the door. I was terrified and remained in that stall until the lowly sodomites had finished their butt orgy and left.

Once I’d finished up in the stall I walked up to the sink counter and freshened up. There were two young girls in skimpy clothing sharing a needle to shoot up some kind of brown narcotic. It was disgusting. After that I needed to sit down and catch my breath. I ordered a bite to eat and a diet soda which a very nice respectable looking young man delivered to me.

I was curious about one large group of people who seemed to have strayed off on their own so I asked the young man who they were. “Those are Fish-heads,” he said. I had to ask what is a fish-head? He replied by explaining that the group are fans of the band Phish and Phish-heads follow the band Phish on tour much like the Deadheads did with the Grateful Dead.

After finishing up my snack I walked over to these Phish-heads to interview some of them. They had gathered in a large hippy drum circle and were drumming in unison as they chanted. Inside the circle there had to be 200 or more girls dancing to the hypnotic beats of the drums.

The sickening pungent odor of marijuana was thick in the air with this group. I spoke to one Phish-head named Rick Santana, 17, from San Diego and his two friends David “Icky” Ramos, 16 also from San Diego (Center) and “Stardrifter”, 16, from Riverside (L). I asked why the Phish-heads had gathered alone and away from the crowd.

Rick explained that the group of around 600 were “kicking back waiting for Phish to go on stage”. He said they’d rejoin the others at that time. I explained to them that Phish isn’t on the line up this weekend which seemed to surprise them. Stardrifter spoke up and said “That’s cool we’ll wait”. At that point someone called Stardrifter over to a small group of a dozen or so young hippies.

I watched as they took turns using an eyedropper to put eye drops in their eyes. The heat here was getting intense so I asked if I could use the eye drops too. Rick and David gladly took me over to the group and after introducing me to the others they gladly gave me the eye drops.

"Stardrifter" (L), David "Icky" Ramos (Center) and Rick Santana (R) attendees at Coachella 2014

“Stardrifter” (L), David “Icky” Ramos (Center) and Rick Santana (R) attendees at Coachella 2014

Though the rancid odor of marijuana was repulsive, I was surprised and taken in by how friendly these kids were. I’d always thought of hippies as worthless welfare trash to lazy to breath because they’re always high from shooting up marijuana. But these kids were happy, laughing and enjoying their day peacefully by themselves. They didn’t strike me as welfare bums at all. And I was relieved to find no Emosexual filth in this group which comforted me.

After putting the drops in my eyes I decided to stick around for a few minutes to watch the drummers and dancers perform. About a half hour later I started feeling funny and decided to leave but Rick stopped me and said if I left I might have a bad trip. I told Rick and David who’d joined us that I hadn’t had a bad trip getting to Coachella and saw no reason I’d have one now.

David chuckled and said, “You don’t understand… those weren’t eye drops you dumped in your eyes it was Liquid L”. Rick was laughing hysterically and told me not to worry I could “chill” with the Phish-heads and I should plan not to do anything for the next 12 hours. That’s when David passed me a marijuana cigarette which I refused. “You might as well,” said Rick, adding “It makes your trip more intense and visual.”

I explained to them I wasn’t interested in doing drugs and I was at Coachella to report on the festival. “So you’re working?” asked Rick. Yes I told him. Then both boys started laughing like fools and called Stardrifter over to join us. David met her halfway and out of earshot they spoke briefly. I watched them both break down cracking up and looking at me. Rick pulled me aside to reassure me I’d be safe and not to worry. Worry about what I thought?

The next hour seemed to pass in a haze of ocean waves bathing my body as I drifted off into the rhythm of the mesmerizing drum beats and started dancing with the other girls inside the circle. I’d lost track of time as well as my three new friends, which no longer seemed important. The harsh desert heat of the early afternoon had caused me to sweat profusely. I must’ve stripped off all my clothes and danced naked to the cheers of many who’d gathered around the drum circle.

Hippy Drum Circle at Coachella 2014

Hippy Drum Circle at Coachella 2014

Thankfully the kids did show up and they’d brought me a couple bottled waters which I greatly thanked them for. Stradrifter then removed all of her clothes and both of us returned to the circle to dance. David and Rick were greatly amused at the display and must’ve laughed for 10 minutes while we got into some heavy girl on girl ‘dirty dancing’ that you hear about from folks in church.

A short time later I found myself strongly sexually attracted to Stardrifter. I kept checking out her hot young 16 year-old flesh. God what a woman! We were now close dancing vag-to-vag and the crowd screamed for more. And we didn’t disappoint. I was all over her cleavage before dropping to my knees to taste the sweet nectar of her ambrosia.

It was then when in an instant I felt God’s presence inside me. It was clear God was angered by my unnatural and vile lust for this young woman. But for the first time in my life I wasn’t ashamed of myself in the eyes of our Lord & savior. I felt rebellious and young again; I told God to back off that I was happy and wanted Stardrifter inside me.

When I woke hours later it was dark and the Phish-heads were nowhere to be seen. My bag and clothes were gone. Now I understood what Rick meant about a bad trip because mine began right there and then.

I wrapped myself in an old semen and alcohol drenched blanket I found on the ground to hide my shame and headed for my car. It was then I felt as if my cervix had taken a brutal and savage pounding during my slumber. I was certain the hippy Phish-heads had pulled a train on me, both men and women. I must’ve been raped by hundreds of them for hours. It was then I saw the error of my ways.

Jesus came to me and told me I’d been taken in by these Satan worshipping heathen kids who’d vexed me using some wild mind altering drugs so all of them could have their way with me. I prayed for God to forgive me and he did. I know it was the hand of Jesus who guided me gently to my car hours later.

I was so relieved all I could think of was a hot bath and the cozy bed waiting for me in my hotel room. But then God punished me as it dawns on me I have nothing. No car keys, no identification, no hotel reservation receipt, no cash and no credit cards. I sat down behind my car in tears when a policeman approached me. Thank God I thought, he’ll help me in my desperate time of need.

I stood up and approached the officer to tell him of my dilemma and that’s when he tasered me and said I was under arrest. After being booked into jail I learned I had been charged with felony narcotics possession by consumption, being under the influence in public and 200 counts of contributing to the sexual delinquency of minors. Next they explained if I couldn’t come up with bail money I’d go before a judge on Monday and could ask to be released on my own recognizance. I knew then I’d never see Sunday’s festival and couldn’t finish my assignment. I’d failed. Come Monday I knew I’d be fired in disgrace from the National Report.

In conclusion my strong advice to parents and young people everywhere is to avoid at all costs Coachella. Its nothing but an evil cesspool of drugs, sex, sin, sodomy, semen and crime!

Rayne Covetti
Former reporter for the National Report, reporting from Indio.

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4 Responses to "National Report’s Weekend Update: From Coachella 2014 Music Festival"

  1. Heisenberg says:

    Was there any of the blue meth at the festival?

  2. Master's Johnson says:

    This battlefield reconstruction of Woodstock ’98 pales in comparison…

  3. Are rock concerts and music festivals today all trying to be the next Woodstock? Sex, sodomy, drugs, booze and rape? None of my kids will ever see the inside of any music festival now.

  4. Tayne Flahrgunnstow says:

    As a doctoral student, holding two masters and an undergraduate degree in music, recently completing my first year at the University and my first Summer Camp Music Festival I can say, with a first-hand educated response that this article is nothing but lies and judgemental damning of an entire community the “reporter” knows NOTHING about.

    Or it’s all a big joke. Phukin phish phans!! Or maybe the umphreaks are behind this haha

    \mm/ rage. rest. repeat.

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