“Hardcore huntress” Melissa Bachman has found herself in hot water recently after posting a pic of herself grinning proudly posing over an adult male lion she had presumably just killed on a hunt in South Africa.
Bachman, who is the host of the popular hunting show Winchester’s Deadly Passion has recently admitted that she actually does not kill any of the animals. “Those were all editing tricks!” She goes on to confess, “We actually tranquilize the animals. Smear a little fake blood here and there. I do a little posing and fawning over them and it’s a wrap!”
A handful of people were disappointed with Bachman’s recent revelation. Among them was self proclaimed “Melissa Bachman Groupie” Henry Freeman.
“I really liked watchin’ this hot chick huntin’ but now I find out it’s all a lie” lamented Freeman. Known locally as being Melissa Bachman’s #1 fan, he was seen wearing nothing but an adult diaper and a filthy camo hunting vest shuffling back and forth between his trailer and a battered dumpster discarding all of the memorabilia he had collected pertaining to the show.
He invited us inside of his double wide where he proceeded to break down in tears while a half-dozen flea bitten chihuahuas swarmed around him. He was visibly despondent over the fact that the show was all a ruse. “I don’t got no reason to live no more” he sobbed. His emotional display and filthy roach infested trailer were making our cameramen nervous, so we hastily said our goodbyes before making the trip to find the producers of the show to answer a few more of our questions.
Senior editor of the show Mark Benson was available to back up claims. “The truth of the matter is, she’s slightly retarded from a head injury she endured during a horseback riding accident in her teens. She actually couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn. Many people have assumed she’s drunk during filming due to her peculiar vocal inflection, but I would like to assure everyone once and for all. She’s legitimately brain damaged, not drunk. And no animals have ever been harmed by her. This has all basically just been an enormous misunderstanding.”
Disclosure of these facts has not seemed to stem the flow of hatred spewing towards Bachman at an unprecedented rate since the picture of her with the lion was leaked. Several animal rights organizations as well as the South African parliament have called for her execution. She has also been permanently banned from hunting in several different countries regardless of the fact that she couldn’t shoot a fish in a barrel.
“She’s dumber than a box of rocks!” Her executive producer David Hogg added. All the attention from international media was clearly making him a nervous wreck. He sat looking frazzled behind his desk sipping cheap bourbon from a mug emblazoned with Bachman’s grinning likeness. “People just watch the show to see her running around playing with guns and crossbows all gussied up in her skin tight camo anyway. People need to simmer down and get over it!”
Unfortunately it is unlikely that folks will “simmer down” any time in the near future. Bachman has reportedly been in hiding somewhere in the midwest, squatting in a hunting blind that was donated to her by Hunters Unlimited Discounts Inc. Millions of images of her posing haughtily over a vast array of endangered dead animals have already been shared all over the internet and international media. It appears these days, the “hardcore huntress” has now become the hunted.