…another edition of Cassidy’s Culture Combat Column
The City of Glenn Falls has gained the attention of national media after their eccentric mayor has petitioned the city council to rename the town after his favorite rock band, The Phish.
The bill, specially designated by the mayor with catalog number 420.24/7, will rename the town to “The Phishbury Township” if the controversial bill passes.
Besides the name change, the mayor has proposed to rename most of the major streets in the town. Main Street would become Antelope Rd, Maple Drive would become Yem Drive, and Elm Street would change to Kyndbud Lane. Also, the local grocery store is asked to restock with “AC/DC” stenciled shopping bags. The reason for this measure is unclear at this time.
Mayor “Diamond” Jack Johnson (D-Stoner), a longtime “phan” of the Phish, made the startling proposal at city hall during the latest city council meeting. After order was restored following an uproar by elected officials and citizens present at the meeting, Alderman Bud Williams voiced tremendous outrage and vowed to defeat the bill.
The Phish are a perverted acid pop funk metal group that has stolen the innocence of American youth since their two founding members split from the Grateful Dead in 1987. Bass guitarist and lead singer Phil Lesh teamed with Trey Pistachio to create the psychedelic supergroup and cause a teen sensation within the American pop music circuit.
Since this time, whirlwind tours and festivals draw children and middle-aged sex fiends by the hundreds of thousands to their concerts where an assault of overbearing noise, blinding strobe lights, and the acrid aroma of marijuana-laced air creates a freak out orgy rarely seen in a civilized society.
“Renaming the town would have a devastating effect on the economy of Glenn Falls,” said Alderman Williams. “Not only will maps and letterheads need to be reprinted, there is a tremendous stigma associated with the wanton drug, sex, and gang violence culture that the band represents.”
Mayor Johnson created a firestorm in June of last year when he declared Glenn Falls an “open city” for wayward The Phish-headz in the area for concerts at the nearby Saratoga Springs Music Theater. The staggering cost of cleanup and damage to local businesses was in six figures. Parents and authorities complained of the resulting drug addictions and juvenile delinquency that The Phish concerts so commonly leave in their wake.
A recall attempt to remove Johnson failed although many voter irregularities and ballot box stuffing allegations have yet to be heard in court.
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