08302014Headline:

Mayor to Rename Town After Jamband The Phish

The new flag of The Phishbury Township should Glenn Falls City Council Bill 420-24/7 pass

The new flag of “The Phishbury Township” should Glenn Falls City Council Bill 420-24/7 pass

…another edition of Cassidy’s Culture Combat Column

Cornelius Bartholomew “Cassidy” Pen
Field Beat Reporter
The National Report

The City of Glenn Falls has gained the attention of national media after their eccentric mayor has petitioned the city council to rename the town after his favorite rock band, The Phish.

The bill, specially designated by the mayor with catalog number 420.24/7, will rename the town to “The Phishbury Township” if the controversial bill passes.

Besides the name change, the mayor has proposed to rename most of the major streets in the town. Main Street would become Antelope Rd, Maple Drive would become Yem Drive, and Elm Street would change to Kyndbud Lane. Also, the local grocery store is asked to restock with “AC/DC” stenciled shopping bags. The reason for this measure is unclear at this time.

The Glenn Falls City Hall Building was the site of a controversial proposal by the town's eccentric mayor.

The Glenn Falls City Hall Building was the site of a controversial proposal by the town’s eccentric mayor.

Mayor “Diamond” Jack Johnson (D-Stoner), a longtime “phan” of the Phish, made the startling proposal at city hall during the latest city council meeting. After order was restored following an uproar by elected officials and citizens present at the meeting, Alderman Bud Williams voiced tremendous outrage and vowed to defeat the bill.

The Phish are a perverted acid pop funk metal group that has stolen the innocence of American youth since their two founding members split from the Grateful Dead in 1987. Bass guitarist and lead singer Phil Lesh teamed with Trey Pistachio to create the psychedelic supergroup and cause a teen sensation within the American pop music circuit.

Mayor Johnson courts support in Glenn Falls, NY for his controversial proposal.

Mayor Johnson courts support in Glenn Falls, NY for his controversial proposal.

Since this time, whirlwind tours and festivals draw children and middle-aged sex fiends by the hundreds of thousands to their concerts where an assault of overbearing noise, blinding strobe lights, and the acrid aroma of marijuana-laced air creates a freak out orgy rarely seen in a civilized society.

“Renaming the town would have a devastating effect on the economy of Glenn Falls,” said Alderman Williams. “Not only will maps and letterheads need to be reprinted, there is a tremendous stigma associated with the wanton drug, sex, and gang violence culture that the band represents.”


Mayor Johnson created a firestorm in June of last year when he declared Glenn Falls an “open city” for wayward The Phish-headz in the area for concerts at the nearby Saratoga Springs Music Theater. The staggering cost of cleanup and damage to local businesses was in six figures. Parents and authorities complained of the resulting drug addictions and juvenile delinquency that The Phish concerts so commonly leave in their wake.

A recall attempt to remove Johnson failed although many voter irregularities and ballot box stuffing allegations have yet to be heard in court.




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37 Responses to "Mayor to Rename Town After Jamband The Phish"

  1. Jerry Greene says:

    My two teens attended a Phish concert last year and I’ll regret it for the rest of my life. My 15 year-old daughter came home high on LSD, and my 17 year-old boy has decided to turn gay. Its simply an outrage that these druggie sodomites aren’t behind bars for life so they will be completely removed from our civilized society.

    • Grateful Dan says:

      Hey Jerry, going to Phish shows doesn’t make you gay, so very dumb comment. If anything makes kids gay nowadays it’s faggy justin bieber or the other pop music of today. I am a college student who gets good grades and I’ve been to at least 25 Phish shows and go to music festivals all the time. I’ve taken LSD before and I smoke medical marijuana as well and it doesn’t make me a bad citizen, so quit being such a closed minded conservative christian idiot.

    • tyler says:

      hahaha this comment is ridiculous

    • Educate yourself. says:

      “my 17 year-old boy has decided to turn gay” ?? Are you joking? He didn’t decide to “turn gay”. He was accepted for who he was while attending the Phish, realized that is better then the people who look down on him, and he lives in a fascist house hold, and decided to break free from the stifling shambles you call safety.

      MEAN PEOPLE SUCK!

    • CT says:

      It’s just phish. No ‘the’ just phish. The band had absolutely no control or influence over your children’s decisions. phish did not tell them to do drugs or come to terms with being homosexual, your kids did. Also your claim that phish is comprised of sodomites is unsupported and ridiculous. And quite frankly you’re more than likely hiding behind phish because you’re a bad parent that doesn’t know their own children well enough to face who they’ve become and how they came to be that way. Phish is in no way responsible for your kids, who they are, what they do, and how you raised them.

    • Dire Wolf says:

      Gay people were born to straight parents….

  2. Heisenberg says:

    So, it looks like marijuana and psychedelics are the drugs of favor in this town, correct? I wonder if they’ll take to the blue meth that’s on the market.

  3. Jimmy says:

    I don’t want a goldfish. I want a dog!

  4. Scott VW says:

    Jerry, sounds like a parenting problem to me. Can’t blame a band or their fans for your children’s choices in life. There are many phans who enjoying seeing phish sober. It’s about the music, and if you choose to partake in extra curricular activities then that is your own responsibility.

  5. Leigh Fordham says:

    This is either an awesome parody or one of the most ignorant article ever written… regardless Glens Falls and the people who live there are wonderful and kind. I can’t thank them enough for hosting Phish and their phans back in October!

  6. Laz says:

    To the person that wrote this, get your facts right. First off, the bands name is Phish, not The Phish. Secondly, the band is not comprised of any old grateful dead members, it is composed of four extremely talented musicians, none of which were in the dead. Thirdly, the group is not a acid pop metal band, whatever that is, they’re a jam band and they play mostly rock with incredible improvisations that touch on funk, blues, jazz and other great genres to name a few. As well, I have been to numerous phish shows before, and there are no crazy orgys or wild riots. Its usually a bunch of really nice people trying to enjoy a really great show. Sure people smoke pot, but what concert doesn’t have people that smoke weed. I am utterly disgusted at this article, and I appreciate it if you stick to writing about things you actually know about and not try to talk and tarnish a band that has brought so much joy to so many throughout the years.

  7. Milly Newtheweasel says:

    nod to Jerry

  8. bender says:

    Just discovered this blog. Good stuff! At first I thought its too obvious this is a spoof on conservative blogs, but then i remembered how stupid actual conservatives are, and they would probably read this article and others on this site and believe it word for word. kinda scary.

  9. Ben says:

    To Laz, Heisenberg, and anyone responding to Jerry Greene: please look up the definition of “satire.” That is all.

  10. BillyOrbit says:

    How is it possible that the author of this can get it sooo wrong??

    It’s “Glens Falls” NOT Glenn Falls…..

    Geez, do some research jackwagon

    • Munchma Kuchi says:

      Mr. Orbit. I apologize for the misspelling. I had just returned from a The Phish concert where I was drugged and sodomized. I was not in my right mind and am so sorry for being a jackwagon. As a devout Christian member of the GOP and the The Phish Fan Club I am usually a jackoff. I shall confess and pray for forgiveness. May God bless you and all who love The Phish and proper naming of our institutions of higher learning.

  11. jerrygarcia4ever says:

    This is clearly not meant to be a serious article. This is clearly a satire. A joke. Something to laugh at.

  12. sar ra cha says:

    Well apparently satire is completely lost on you people hahaha

  13. Mike Larry says:

    Soooooo…. You people commenting on this do realize it’s a spoof article.. Right?

  14. Jer, Nod To says:

    I once saw Trey Pistachio and Phil Lesh gang rape a goat while simultaneously smoking marihuana cigarettes, having lustrous thoughts about my mother and taking the Lord’s name in vain.

  15. The Pensioner says:

    For all of you loosers sayin’ that this article is a satire or a joke, that’s exactly what we (Normal Americans) would expect you, hippie-lovin’ LSD takin’ gay turnin’ decision makers to say… We’re on to you…

  16. Jonathan says:

    I don’t know what is funnier, the article or the comments!

  17. Amy says:

    You young ins don’t know your Phish history or the meaning of satire! Phil Lesh and Trey Pistachio??? Common!!!! Jonathan, I think the comments are more funny than the article for sure. :)

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