<National Report> Multiple sources have confirmed a massive outbreak of herpes reported at Coachella. The multi-day “music” festival held in Indio, California kicked off today as hundreds of thousands of priveleged Southern California kids gathered for a weekend of orgies fueled by an overload of sex, drugs and rock and roll.
National Report’s Chase Logan is on the scene with an exclusive report and had this to say regarding the outbreak, “I’ve never seen anything like it before. By the time Blur hit the stage I had personally witnessed hundreds of young sluts contracting and spreading herpes”. Paramedics have asked that every person involved in sexual activity at the festival visit one of the onsite herpes triage centers setup to deal with the massive outbreak.
Initial reports began trickeling in earlier in the day during the Dam-Funk performance and have continued throughout the evening. As of this report, a large amout of herpes has been spotted spreading around the Jurassic 5 performance leading to major concern amongst parents and concert-goers alike. The festival will continue through the weekend and is bound to break all records of herpes transmission.
*coincidentally, replacing each reference in this story to “herpes” with “douchbags” or “shitty bands” is also true.
Watch the Outbreak Spreading Live here