Marijuana Cures, Vaccinates Hepatitis C, Research Shows

pot lab<National Report>Medical researchers announced a startling discovery on Sunday, revealing that a certain “strain” of marijuana, or cannabis, not only cures patients of hepatitis C, but can also vaccinate people from hepatitis C in the future.

In a press release issued Sunday, researchers at the Wyoming Institute of Technology, a privately-owned, corporate-funded scientific research think tank, revealed that their new prescription drug, which uses a marijuana strain called “Chunky Crimson,” fully cured 99.8% of the drug’s recipients, making it highly more effective than the controversial hepatitis C drug Sovaldi, which costs a staggering $84,000 for a full regiment and is putting a heavy burden on insurance companies.

WIT researchers say they’re hoping the drug will be on the market within 14 to 18 months.  The regiment consists of patients consuming three pills daily, while also using a marijuana-laced suppository rectally once daily.  And according to WIT Chief of Staff Dr. Matt Stone Jr., the marijuana-themed regiment can be offered at only a fraction of the cost.

“We’re looking at a drug here that could potentially save insurers millions of dollars a year,” Stone said during a press conference held in Cheyenne, Wyoming shortly after WIT made their announcement.  “Drugs like Sovaldi cost upwards of $80,000 to $90,000 for a full regiment.  Our drug, which we’re developing with our good friends at GlaxoSmithKline, will cost a mere fraction of that.  A full regiment of this drug will only cost around $15,000 to $25,000, making it far superior to the competition.”

But Greg Watson, who owns a medical marijuana dispensary in Los Angeles, California, says WIT’s research shows an alarming trend in the medical marijuana industry.  “They’re taking cannabis in a bad, bad direction.  They’re turning it into a pharmaceutical drug,” Watson claims.  “Why can’t we just sell the Chunky Crimson strain to consumers, and let them smoke it, or vaporize it, or edify it?  Why does this need to be turned into some toxic prescription pill?  And why should it cost tens of thousands of dollars?  Do you know how much weed a person can buy for that sort of money?  A lot.”

But Dr. Stone says Chunky Crimson by itself doesn’t work.  “This all came from one of our interns who felt she’d cured her own hep C by edifying and vaporizing the Chunky Crimson marijuana, which she herself invented.  It relieved her symptoms, and it `mostly’ cured her, but it simply wasn’t enough.  Maybe it could work in a less-infected patient, but in the science world, we don’t deal with `what-ifs.’  The marijuana by itself `might’ work.  Our pharmaceutical drug by itself `does’ work.  And the FDA is far more likely to approve our drug than marijuana cigarettes sold in a dark alley someplace.  End of story.”

The pill and suppository combination treatment is awaiting FDA approval.  WIT has also developed a needle-administered vaccination shot based on their drug, which is also awaiting approval from the FDA.

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5 Responses to "Marijuana Cures, Vaccinates Hepatitis C, Research Shows"

  1. George Collins says:

    I’ve been smoking weed for 45 years now. Never had cancer, hepatitis or any other disease. There aint nothing out there weed cant cure! But go figure the man is trying to capitalize on weed now and make it into a subscription drug that they load up with poison and causes side effects and all that shit.

  2. The Pensioner says:

    There is only one disease that Marijuana can’t cure … The dreaded 2am munchies…

  3. Stephenson says:

    I’ve heard this sort of nonsense before, but how can you tell anything when many weed addicts carry so many diseases? The drug is linked to cancer and with needles, theres a risk of AIDS so seriously, how do we even know how what diseases these people carry unless we quarantine them?

  4. Master's Johnson says:

    Wait a minute, if marijuana is so good for you and The Phish’s music is so bad for you; then why do all Japanese look alike???

  5. Tyson Bowers III says:

    Yea, but it can’t cure homogays from fecal farming each other to spread sicknesses!!

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