04202014Headline:

Man Finds 6 Million Dollars Worth Of Bitcoins At Garage Sale

The online virtual currency Bitcoins

Image of the online virtual currency Bitcoins.

Phoenix, AZ — An Arizona man got the surprise of his life when a ten dollar investment at a neighborhood garage sale this weekend turned him into a millionaire overnight.

35-year-old Paul Horner was out walking his dog Mac when he came upon a neighborhood yard sale and decided to stop. “I found an old Dell computer that my neighbor was selling for 15 dollars. I talked him down to ten,” Horner said. “When I got home and turned it on I found Word documents in one of the folders. There was password information for something called Bitcoins. So I logged in to the account and there was over 10,000 of these things. I quickly sold half of them and the other half I decided to keep.”

Bitcoins are a virtual currency facilitated by an open-source peer-to-peer cryptographic protocol that functions without the intermediation of any central authority. The concept was introduced in a 2008 paper by a pseudonymous developer known as “Satoshi Nakamoto” and have been in use since January of 2009.

Mr. Horner’s name may seem familiar to some. He was recently in the news for having the biggest penis in the world according to Guinness World Records.


“Things have been really going my way lately,” Horner told CNN. “I feel as if I have 6 million dollars and the biggest penis in the world… oh wait, I do.”

The Bitcoin took a huge step towards the mainstream on Monday when federal authorities signaled their willingness to accept it as a legitimate payment alternative. The Department of Justice and Securities and Exchange Commission told a U.S. Senate committee that Bitcoins are legitimate financial instruments.

Horner told reporters he plans to use the money to better mankind. “I told my neighbor who sold me the computer I’m giving him a million dollars. I’ll probably give my family a million dollars too. The rest I’ll use to buy a new house, probably buy a sweet nightclub, a helicopter or something, a dolphin costume, a couple cars, only important stuff. I always wanted to do two chicks at the same time. And I think if I were a millionaire I could hook that up, because chicks dig dudes with money.”

According to U.S. based Coinbase, which allows users to buy and sell Bitcoins who have a United States bank account, the price of a single Bitcoin reached a high of $800 late Monday evening.

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14 Responses to "Man Finds 6 Million Dollars Worth Of Bitcoins At Garage Sale"

  1. Dennis System says:

    Some guys get all the luck

  2. I like a happy ending, with no masturbation.

  3. Rebecca L. says:

    I don’t know what Paul Horner looks like, but I bet he’s really hot

  4. Kevin Polak says:

    That’s going to be one hell of a legal issue.

  5. Remi Fasol Latido says:

    This is going to be another dreaded plunge in the value of BitCoin. It’s only value is in stability and finds like this always rock the boat. I dumped my 200 Coins already, before the depths are reached…as did my accountant. (Thanks, Brad)

  6. John Doe says:

    Good for him!

  7. suitcase says:

    If I had that much money. I would buy 3 million bibles and distribute them to troubled souls.

  8. Dillion says:

    Has anyone at all questioned the fact that he went into someone else’s account and stole their money? Just because you find something or it’s sold to you, the actual information in the device doesn’t necessarily belong to you. For instance, if someone purchased a computer and it contained 401K information complete with account information and login. You’re telling me that because this man purchased a computer, he gets to illegally go into someone’s account and steal their retirement money?!

    What has this world come to. If he had any honor or integrity what so ever, he’d give the neighbor his hard drive back or at least print out the information, give it to him and then wipe the hard drive. I hope he gets what’s coming to him, Karma wise. If this story is even remotely true, the neighbors upon hearing this should sue him for everything he’s worth, so that a $10 investment turns into a negative $20,000 net. Paul Horner is no good.

  9. Greg Foreman says:

    First thing you need to go buy is a new shirt. Stop wearing your 12 year-old kid’s Hawaiian print shirt.

  10. Rodle says:

    Paul Homer’s penis has been disqualified by the Guinness editors because he used “artificial enhancement means” to achieve his record. Also, his dog’s name is Mick, not Mac!
    C’mon Jimmy, have a little journalistic integrity…

  11. richard schumacher says:

    Mr Rustling has amazing prescience. See:
    “James Howells searches for hard drive with £4m-worth of bitcoins stored”
    http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-south-east-wales-25134289

  12. Lucifer says:

    So technically speaking, this douchebag has stolen six million dollars worth of bitcoins… I hope the motherfucker burns in hell!

  13. Marshall Horner says:

    This is my brother that found these bitcoins! He’s buying my lots of hookers and blow! I can’t wait until a STDed up hooker comes and sits on my dick because my brother is a bit coin PIMP! FUCK YEAH GET HIGH AND FUCK BITCHES!

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