07242014Headline:

Louisiana Man Stops Robbery By Quoting Pulp Fiction

Paul HornerDeQuincy, LA — A local DeQuincy man is a hero today after he single-handedly stopped a couple who were attempting to rob a coffee shop. His quick thinking saved the day according to restaurant manager Ted Barkins. “He just started quoting movie lines from Pulp Fiction. The robbers kind of went berserk and then they just left.”

Local hero 35-year-old Paul Horner who thwarted the would-be robbers told reporters how he saved the day. “It was really lucky that I had my wallet with me that said ‘bad motherf*cker’ on it. The robbers came around demanding everybody’s wallet and I just held it up, you know like how Samuel L. Jackson did in Pulp Fiction.”

Longtime diner Shilda Vafaei said it was a pretty tense moment. “The robbers asked Mr. Horner what was in his hand. He told them it was his wallet that said ‘bad motherf*cker’ on it. I’ve never seen the movie so I didn’t know what he was talking about. I just thought he was some crazy white guy with a death wish.”

“After I said the comment about my wallet the robbers started freaking out. So then in my best tough black guy voice I said to them: Normally, both your asses would be dead as f*cking fried chicken, but you happen to pull this sh*t while I’m in a transitional period so I don’t wanna kill you, I wanna help you,” Horner said. “Then the robbers looked at each other and then just ran out of the restaurant. I knew my vast knowledge of Pulp Fiction would pay off for me one day.”


Barkins told CNN he was concerned about the health of Mr. Horner after the robbers had left and everyone at the restaurant was waiting for police to arrive. “It seemed like Mr. Horner’s brain had snapped. I asked him if he was OK and he shouted, ‘Shut the f*ck up fat man! This ain’t none of your go*damn business’. Then I apologized and told him that I think the cops are on their way to which he responded, ‘I don’t wanna hear about no motherf*ckin’ ifs. All I wanna hear from your ass is, you ain’t got no problem, Paul. I’m on the motherf*cker. Go back in there, chill them n*ggas out and wait for the cavalry which should be coming directly’. Then he started asking me questions about our food menu. He asked me about our hamburgers and if I knew what they called a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in France? It was really weird, but hey, he’s a hero I guess.”

“In every other parallel universe this man would be shot and killed but not here in DeQuincy,” Officer Davies from the DeQuincy Police Department said. “It’s fortunate that this small town has a person like Mr. Horner living in it. If he hadn’t had so much free time on his hands he never would have been able to quote so many lines from Pulp Fiction. Down time is the real hero here today.”

The robbers are described as a white male and female aged 35-45. If you have any information please contact Inspector Phelps at (785) 273-0325. As always you can remain anonymous.

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“Now I want you to go in that bag and find my wallet.”
“Which one is it?”
“It’s the one that says bad mother f*cker.”


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28 Responses to "Louisiana Man Stops Robbery By Quoting Pulp Fiction"

  1. Terrance says:

    HERO!!!

  2. My favorite part is where there was no masturbation.

    • Paul Joy says:

      I was hoping for more masturbation you stupid fuckin dolphin! I need bate material god dammit!

      • Who? Me? says:

        Paul, I believe you are thinking of the movie Pulp Friction. The diner scene in Pulp Friction was very different than the one above. (But the Gimp scene was indeed quite similar.)

  3. Dennis System says:

    This is the greatest story I have ever read.

  4. Starrman69 says:

    Granted, the guy saved the day, etc..etc..etc…

    For me it just reminds me that the wrong actor got the Oscar.

    Mr. Jackson, you were, are and always will be The Man!

  5. Shameus says:

    Louisiana robbers couldn’t read the wallet anyways

  6. The guy in the story says:

  7. Cassidy Pen says:

    It’s about time there was some good news in this god forsaken nation.

  8. Thomas says:

    Life imitating art…

  9. Kay Nevin says:

    This is so awesome!

  10. Tori Johnson says:

    Omg..this is one of the funniest stories I’ve ever read!! Thanks for the laugh!!

  11. COPS says:

    They need to do a movie about this. I LOVE THIS STORY!

  12. Greg Foreman says:

    Hey, nice shirt buddy…. it fits real well on you too. lol.

  13. jjamik333 says:

    Great Story! I enjoyed the laugh and the humor in it. Wish there were more stories about good things. I wonder did the poor guy freak out so bad that it’s all he could think to do. A hero is a hero.

  14. jjamik333 says:

    Oh btw, I’m from Texas, living in Louisiana.. Yes we have some who are unable to read/write, but there are some very intelligent people here with degrees.. believe it or not!! If you are so concerned about their inabilities, why don’t you move here and make a change rather than slam people??

    • Q says:

      jjamik333, I appreciate you saying so. I’m from Louisiana and moved to Texas. I’ve always gotten crazy responses from people when I say I’m from Louisiana….”Where’s your accent”, “Wow, you seem pretty smart for being from there”….

      It just goes to show, there’s intelligent and moronic people everywhere.

  15. susan says:

    My hand gun does not talk fiction, but it does turn things into pulp when necessary.

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