Tokyo, Japan – An Earthquake that registered 5.3 on the Richter Scale struck the still-recovering Osaka Prefecture, the region containing the Fukushima Nuclear Plant that continues contaminating the environment with deadly radiation, months and months after the tsunami that crippled it went away. The earthquake struck moments ago at mid-morning recess time, at 10:25 AM .
Information is still coming in, but reports from across the asian powerhouse nation, known for VCR manufacturing and boiling hapless dolphins alive in their irradiated ocean, have attributed the latest disastrous earthquake to a prank, organized openly on the internet, encouraging anyone under the age of sixteen to participate in the ‘Pink Crane Day Jump 2013′, an annually held event that celebrates pinkness in a novel way each year. Past Pink Crane tributes have ranged from 2011′s participating youngsters wearing boiled prawns for eyebrows and lips, held in place with super-glue for the day, and 1994′s massive stockpiling then emptying into the ocean on Pink Crane Day of the enormous quantities of hoarded Pepto-Bismol, which drove up the price of that commodity to nearly the price of gold on the Nikkei Exchange for three months prior to the event.
This year’s theme, shared widely by the country’s youth, ever desperate to bow to the pressures of conformity, required Craners to wear all pink and white clothing, climb up onto a chair just prior to recess at precisely 10:25 AM their time, and shout “Lady Candy Kitty GaGaZai!!!” as they simultaneously jumped to the floor.
An exceedingly strong turnout for this year’s ”Flash Exhibit of Youth 2013″, as it’s referred to on Buzzfeed, ended up being more than 5 times as large as any held in the prior years, and surprised officials who were largely unprepared for what followed despite eagerly anticipating the charming annual display of youthful exuberance. The increase in the scope of the event has been attributed to the new social media activity link-aps that took off in various Oriental countries last year, and the endorsement of the planned event by occidental hearthrob Daniel Tosh on his twitter feed and a recently released, unrelated photo of Justin Bieber wearing a pink shirt in an ice cream shop, eating a peppermint ice cream cone while wearing white plastic sunglasses with white bars going across the lenses as he stood eating in front of a scoop girl with pink highlights in her hair and fuschia eyeshadow.
In addition to the powerful earthquake the mass jump caused, which was the ninth largest in Japan’s records since 1952, this Pink Crane Event also caused many airports and train systems and nuclear reactors to shut down automatically. The area surrounding The Fukushima Disaster has gone into another quarantine status for the time being, though officials from the government downplay the relevance of the closures. According to President Abe’s P.R. Office Minister , Mabo Tofu, officials are saying that the temporary measure is an unrelated test of emergency broadcast systems previously scheduled for the day, and assuaged concerns by calling the unexpectedly destructive child’s prank “Exceedingly cute and clever”, while simultaneously decrying the cost to the taxpayers for all the damaged property, shattered window glass, broken teacups and any loss of life, which at the time of his statement had already climbed to over 850.