08202014Headline:

Jambands-Satan’s Tools to Brainwash Your Children

A Cassidy Pen Expose on the Dangers of Jam Music

Part One: The Ugly Side of Your Children’s Musical Choices

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My journalistic colleague, Manfred Peregrin has covered with profound depth the scourge of horror rap/metal bands like the Insane Clowns on our precious youth. He has risked his reputation and, in some cases, his physical security by pointing out to parents the menace of ICP and its’ Juggalo followers and the speed with which they must be confronted. link link link

The entire staff here at The National Report is indeed indebted to Mr. Peregrine.

The purpose of my multi-part expose is to point out and reiterate the effect of another style of music (using a very liberal definition of the term) that is also perpetrating a brainwashed psychosis on the youth of America. Yes, I am speaking about Jamband Music. In addition to my award-winning investigative journalism articles exposing the menace of The Phish, [link link] I am deeply disturbed to announce that this is only skimming the surface of a demon beneath. Sadly, my dear friends in Christ, your children are the intended titanic victims of this iceberg threat.

Untitled1Jamband Music, or “Jam” Music, is a spontaneous hipster and occult driven musical form that stresses long, drawn-out instrumental interludes around a base of funky fused jazz rock and various legitimate American based musical styles such as country, bluegrass, gospel, and orchestral pop. It is plainly obvious from the first notes of a jam band that the music is influenced by drugs.

Most musicologists and critics conclude that the Grateful Dead was the first jamband, the “Godfathers,” if you will. Their musical direction was influenced by drugged jazzer-saxual, John Coltrane and meshed with the pop music of the day ranging from the Rolling Stoners, the Beetles, and to a lesser extent, Buddy Holly and the Shirelles. The 1960′s and the so-called “Love” movement cannot be adequately documented without mentioning the Grateful Dead.

Canonized jamband saint and musical guru to the genre, Jerry Garcia, used lysergically styled guitar riffs and aimless noodled meanderings with the other band members to etch a false idolatry into the souls of the first “deadheads,” or followers of the Grateful Dead. The ritualistic manner in which deadheads worship the band is akin to the influence that Charles Manson had on his “family.” Jerry and his warlock band mates took advantage financially and forced their will on those brainwashed hippies, forming an empire of VW bussed dregs that bummed behind them on a 30 year concert tour of this great nation.

Satan took great pleasure in this accomplishment, but he is far from punching the clock on this job.


Taking what some call the “spirit” of the Grateful Dead into mind, bands like The Phish, Humphrey’s McGee, mow Period, and String Cheese Insolence have furthered and expanded the style of Jam Music and enforced the Satanic Influence of the genre on our children.

In the case of The Phish, Trey Pistachio hurriedly formed the band after the demise of the Grateful Dead. He realized the need to take advantage of the soft brained deadheads’ continuous need for audio and sensual fulfillment. The Phish has become very successful at forging their own enterprise of occultist jamming. Theirs is a style of progressions stolen from Frank Zappa’s Band, the Inventions and fused with rockabilly and funked ravings that explore the true aimless boundaries of of what the human mind can be exposed to before descending into a drugged psychosis.

Other jambands, like the Spreadwide Panic, were built in a similar style using Greg Allman and his Brother’s influential records. Still others, like the Stringed Cheese, have taken a more high and lonesome road toward infecting the minds of our precious youth using rock billy and bluegrass stylings. In future parts of my jamband expose series, I will examine these and other jambands in detail.

A causal result of the tremendous and overwhelming drug cloud over the jam scene is in the characteristics of its adherents. Twirling sexed dance displays, mis-patterned clapping and fist pumping, and wanton masturbatory gesturing are rampant among the crowd at a jamband concert. Inconvertible statistics show that the chances of pregnancy, drug addiction, and sexually transmitted disease are as much as ten times more likely to afflict the jamband concert goer.*

Drugs and sexual favors are distributed freely at a jam concert in much the same manner as it was on the hateful ash-buried streets in San Francisco during the Satanic Summer of Love. One such domicile was at 710 in which resided the Grateful Dead, completing the relative circle of the jamband scourge upon society. A more proper address would have been 666. One such resident was so disgustingly unbathed that they called him “Pig Pen,” after the character in Peanut Comics. Imagine how unclean a person would have to be to become recognized as dirty by hippies. It boggles the mind.

Wake up, parents. Is this the fate that you wish for your precious children?

jamband risks

Youths are currently using their paper route money and profits from school paper and aluminum collection drives to purchase concert tickets, compacted disks, and iTuned loads of filth that these bands regurgitate. Can the American Family withstand the pounding that jambands deliver on the ears and tender backsides of our youth? By the time these children turn college age, their transformation from a spunky and love cuddled child of innocence is complete. They will leave their cares and worries behind them in a cloud of marijuana as they pile into a Volkswagen bus and head off to a jamband concert tour.

To afford such excursions in a capitalistic society, these children are using their artistic abilities to create tyed and died t-shirts, roped necklaces, and ridiculous wrist bracelets. Others enterprise to the appetites of the others in a shakedown lot scene by selling alcohol, funny mushroomed pizza pies, and veggie hot pockets. Others take a more sinister route, dealing in drugs and prostitution. Soon, your little Sally, the endearing brownie who was once concerned with her Barbie doll’s newest easy bake oven winds up with her legs spread in the back seat at some concert venue to pay for her passage to the next happening. “Gas, grass, or ass” is the code, or price of admission to this seedy counter culture. As a parent, you should be shocked at the type of bearded ruffians that are inserting their meatsticks into your lovely daughter.

UntitledEqually, you should have severe reservations about the drug culture that your son is participating in when he donates his future to the jamband lure. Once, he was a chubby diapered toddler who got into all manner of happy trouble banging pots and pans together. On the jamband circuit, little Johnny is now sharing spit and penetrating std ridden whore holes outside of some behemoth amphitheater. Maybe he’s releasing his seed into porta-lets or glory-holing truckers for $5 a pop just to afford a ticket to the next shindig.

It’s definitely time for church-going adults in America to rise up and help expunge the demonic peril of jambands. Conservatives are well aware of the threats that liberal Hollywood agents of filth are perpetrating. With similar alarm, they must now fear the jamband counter culture and take appropriate action.

I pray it’s not too late for you personally to take preemptive measures that will prevent your children from falling into this hideous lifestyle. Please consult your minister if you have questions or fear that your child is breaking from his or her religious upbringing and showing signs of jamband sin. It is never too early to expose your children to the harsh realities of life and instill in them the fear of Almighty God should they display rebellion or the propensity to listen to this devious form of devil music.

Remember that your financial tax-deductible gift (suggested donation: $20) will assist my efforts to expose and rid the nation of Satanic influences. Please bookmark the National Report and await part two of my expose on the dangers of jam music on our precious youth, “Part Two: The Roots of Rot-The Rise of the Grateful Dead.”

* – Foundation for a Better Tomorrow

 



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24 Responses to "Jambands-Satan’s Tools to Brainwash Your Children"

  1. Bill says:

    Really? ??????????

  2. drew says:

    ROTFLMAO!

  3. The Witness says:

    This person cannot be serious. This has to be some type of satire or something because I got a pretty good laugh out of the entire article. First of all there is now way the author of this article has ever received any journalism awards from any respected organization. Why would draw me to such a conclusion without verification? Well simply put his research is extremely poor and he paints a very deceiving a false story. Most easily picked apart is the section about Trey Anastacio hurrying together Phish after Jerry died, which is just ridiculous, they had been playing since 84 together I believe. Shame on Cassidy Pen.

  4. The Witness says:

    Spreadwide Panic?

  5. The Witness says:

    The funny thing is I came here from Phantasy tour.

  6. The Witness says:

    Lol. I found the disclaimer on the website, got my for a bit there national report.com good one.

  7. Ever hear of ‘The Wharf Rats?’
    They are a chapter of Alcoholics Anonymous
    that can be found at most Jam-Band Shows, and even at Burning Man.
    Too bad other organizations don’t venture into Jam Band Culture…
    They could be handing out anti-drug pamplets, Jesus music CD’s,
    and just generally being a good influence while enjoying the music.
    Such Organizations will be surprised at the warm reception they will receive,
    and will end up affecting at least some of the kind people they will find there.

  8. Whitt says:

    This is one of the most ridiculous things I have ever read…. I am a Christian and go to jam sessions and outside festivals where this type of music is played. Don’t use God for your ignorance. It’s give Christians a bad name.

  9. Matt says:

    Is this serious? First off, proofread your own damn article for errors. Secondly, I can’t tell if it’s for real or not…is this a joke? What the hell did I just read!?

  10. ryan says:

    you sir, are a fucking idiot.

  11. tink says:

    ” now sharing spit and penetrating std ridden whore holes outside of some behemoth amphitheater.” i take personal offense to this. this journalist basically said that every woman in the “hippie” culture is a whore. well im kind of a hippy i guess, and i have never sold or traded sexual favors for drugs, tickets, or anything! i hope this article is satirical cuz if not, the journalist is very confused, hateful, and slanderizing a very large group of people without facts to back it up.

  12. FYF says:

    You serpents! you need to find some love and quit judging. just because a person’s life and yours are worlds apart does not mean you have the right to shit talk. If you think the message this music is sending is hateful or satanic you have things ass backwards my friend. Ill donate 400 bucks if you would rid this nation of yourself and this shitty website thank you

  13. cosmo says:

    That was hilarious, funny sheet ive read in a while. And if your serious?

    Your one pent up person. I think you need to smoke a doobie, dance to some grateful dead, catch the love light, and ride it home until the sun don’t shine.

    Christianity is nothing more than a Religion that was thrown together by the Roman Elite because they were concerned about the Political implications of the Christian movement.

    By Placating their illiterate audience by hybridizing the Astro-theological beliefs of the Gentiles, and mashing it together with Judaism, voila! you have the Cult of the Dying Son of Dying Sun.
    And they set out to brainwash and control the world with their eschtaolgical fear based doctrines that drivel from the podiums today. The suppression of woman, the suppression of sexuality, the suppression of ecstasy and joy, the suppression of knowledge. YOU represent the Burning of re placeless libraries of the olden cultures, and the murder and genocide of millions. If you are serious about what you just wrote, then im sorry but its YOU that is the brainwashed one.
    You represent the Jealous Jehovah storm god, who rose from the ashes of Sumer.. Who’s blood lust and jealousy see no end in the bible. Your literal interpretation of the Astro theological application that the pagans used to explain th workings of the heavens. IF you stand before us with this article a proud member of the Cult of Christ, then i point that its you who is spreading hate, fear, contempt, and judgment, pride, and self righteousness.
    Christianity has done more damage to the collective consciousness of our human race, than all jam bands put together.
    A proud Enkite
    Cosmo Ruckaz

  14. Tiffany_Hula says:

    spreadwide panic huh?

  15. ellen2e says:

    this is fucking hilarious. excellent satire

    • Jesse says:

      What’s even more hilarious is all the comments of the people that don’t understand that it’s satire!

      • Lee harper says:

        The way he describes his point is not typical of satirical comedy, nor is it sarcastic as is the norm. If this is satire, this man is a comedic genius.

  16. Bill Baker says:

    All I can really say is I pity you, and I am honestly disapointed that people like the writer of this article are still around. For one thing people like the writer of this article are a big reason we have war, famine, genocide, and many other horrible things in this world. This man is completely delusional, a liar, a poor researcher, and to be honest just a plain fucking retard. The band Moe. is a popular jam band who recently organized an several concert events to raise money to feed starving people in America, and they played the shows, all for FREE. So for one thing if your so fucking high and mighty why dont you and this stupid fucking website go do something like that and actually help some people out instead of just sitting here being a little bitch to a bunch of innocent kids just trying to have fun. My father went to school and studied theology for 9 years, attends church every sunday, and raised me to be a damn good person. If you think that some phish shows and some weed is gonna ruin that for an entire generation then you are truly a fool. More people have been tortured and murdered in the name of christianity throughout all of human existence than for any other reason.

  17. Ignacio says:

    This guy is clearly delusional, by the his creditability must be on the money – he foresaw Phish cancellation of the NYE 13/14 run because Mike GordonE fell of hot dog prop that was last used 3 years ago. Mr Cassidy, find your meat stick and beat like it owes you money in the privacy of your own ( box ) home

  18. Ok the fact that Mike Gordon used a hot dog again is silly This guy has no and I mean no credibility in the journalism community but he knows that and thats why JEFF Mills has no career he is a trashball without education but he can suck a good dick and that gets you somewhere in todays Jew Bowl. So please if you can jack off a jew for jeff mills.

  19. Rage' F'hire says:

    Pandering to your clientele is the greatest evil of all. It must be satire, because what Christian would trust a professional a dyed in the wool killer, trained in sneek attacks? Cornelius Bartholomew “Cassidy” Pen is a decorated Marine Corps war veteran having served in Vietnam, Nicaragua and Panama, an explosive expert trained in special ops and insurgency and clandestine assault. – I rest my case. I still wish you the best CP.

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