07302014Headline:

Heavy Metal Fans Poison Manfred Peregrine’s Dog

Be Strong, Leopold… Be Strong…

Fellow Christians, this last month has been like the trials of Job for your pal, Manfred Peregrine. Since transferring to this fine editorial, National Report, I have received much derision from the hell-bound members of the Left Hand Path. My saintly prose is the purifying Holy Water for America’s Devil-possessed youth. They react accordingly, lashing out with murderous hearts, spewing vitriol and threats and even physical harm. I have faced these obstacles and more, with the secure knowledge that God is by my side, yet the latest of their assaults upon me has taken a devastating toll, leaving me temporarily absent from my staff duties.

Two weeks ago when I came home from the office I was greeted to a ghastly scene straight out of my worst nightmares. My darling, precious Leopold was sprawled in the foyer of my flat. I could feel a deep primordial horror well up within my soul as I beheld the sight of his lifeless little body. I let out a bloodcurdling shriek before hurling my briefcase and belongings across the hallway and scrambling to aid my intrepid little fallen soldier. I cradled his limp, fluffy comatose body in my arms, wailing hysterically. He had blood and vomit caked all over his muzzle… His glamourous cloud-like pelt was soiled with his own feces and urine. As I wailed towards the heavens clutching his befouled carcass I noticed he was still breathing! Overjoyed, I knelt down and wrapped my gob around his trembling puke-soaked snout and began administering CPR. After a few minutes he hacked and gasped before he began breathing on his own again. I realized we weren’t out of the woods yet so I made sure the TEVO was set to record Oprah and rushed Leopold to the nearest 24 hour emergency veterinarian.

By the time I finally reached the clinic, Leopold was in the throes of an intense seizure and was spraying bloody vomit, feces and urine all over the custom leather interior of my company escalade. They took him back and sedated him before beginning the stomach pump. After he was finally stabilized, the head of veterinary diagnostics emerged and informed me that Leopold had somehow managed to ingest a large quantity of rat poison. That’s when I knew my suspicions to be true… Slayer fans did this. No doubt as an attempted sacrifice to Satan… I know that they hate animals, and have songs that promote the torture and killing of them… The entire modus operandi fit so perfectly.


These interchangeable, un-dogmatic creeps continue to threaten my life and slander me relentlessly on multiple forums. Prank phone calls. Numerous death threats. I’ve been assaulted both physically and sexually. My email address has been hacked, my facebook page hijacked, and my home is constantly under watch by pimply faced teens with long, greasy hair and bad posture.

Rumors have also been spread that I had plans to dig up Jeff Hanneman’s corpse and desecrate his grave site. This, of course, is nothing more than the ramblings of drug crazed lunatics. Hopped up on marijuana cigarettes and spray paint fumes. Mindlessly fondling themselves in their cat urine-soaked domiciles while listening to songs with unholy themes such as necrophilia and rape. The “music”, and I use that term loosely, has irradiated their mind with fantastical nonsense. Unfortunately that’s the most that can be expected of their wasted, trailer park demographic.

The police claim they have no leads on the suspects. I’ve spent the past weeks at Leopold’s bedside in an undisclosed Hollywood doggie hospital. Even after teetering on the brink of massive organ failure from being poisoned, he is slowly healing. The doctors say he’s going to make it. I intend to see to his every need until he is back to his former self… I thank the Lord I have Chaz for support as these have been troubling times.


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7 Responses to "Heavy Metal Fans Poison Manfred Peregrine’s Dog"

  1. K says:

    Dafuq I just read

  2. Barbara Bagwell says:

    Manfred,

    I quietly wept reading your account of this tragic horror. I imagine finding Leopold covered in his own feces is the same as discovering a four-legged smores in the foyer, that beautiful coat reminds me of marshmallows. But of course it would be poo instead of chocolate. I’m not sure if your freckly arms would qualify as graham crackers, but who is to say you had time to exfoliate? I hope the people that did this are punished severely, with canes or maybe some stiff fines. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

    BB

  3. Nigel Covington says:

    Manfred,

    I am appalled by this news. Just by chance the first story you covered after coming to work for the NR was the death of Jeff Hanneman. (Jeff Hanneman of Slayer Burns in Hell) The story received such an intense overreaction from Slayer fans that was absolutely loathsome. Then when you continued your coverage of the event by attending Hanneman’s Black Mass service and Satanic burial which followed, you were given a sound beating by a wild mob of at least 275 Slayer fans and hospitalized for quite sometime. The doctor said you were lucky to be alive. This is not what a normal individual does after reading a news story though said reader may object to the manner in which the story was published or just don’t like the writer’s coverage of that event. No this excessive murderous rage and the utter contempt Slayer fans have shown to you and the NR is unique only to Hanneman’s maggot infested fans. If there was ever a good argument for government regulation and censoring of the porn-music children have access to nowadays SLAYER is it.

    • Lillian Fabricant says:

      Those slay-belles are such brutes, Nigel. It looks like Barbara has blocked my computer again, if you see her could you forward her this email, and tell her I love her hat? Thank you, dear.

      Oh, I’m with you Ms. Bagwell! I don’t even want to THINK of darling Leopold as a smushy piece of Chocolate-Cherry Rocky Road Fudge, I’m too hungry already. Barbara, could you be a dear and give Manfred this note if you see him? I was going to mail it to him when he was in the hospital, but didn’t want to waste a stamp since his head was all swathed in yucky bandages(like the Sweet baby Jesus right afterbirth) and couldn’t have read it if he wanted to, and I don’t want to use one of my good Ladybug thumbtacks because I’ll never get it back once it goes in his stinky cork memo board that smells like wine vinegar.Dear Manfred Peregrine,

      My prayers are with that precious little treasure of yours. Leopold is our office angel, and no matter what it is Obama does to destroy America I have always been able to rely on Leoplod’s squirmy affection and high-pitched, demanding joy of life to lift my spirits with his delightful antics. I just love how cute he is when he sits in my big purse, or gets his terrified head stuck in my smaller clutch bag or runs around the office with a mouthful of lipliners and eyebrow pencils, definers, liners, fill-in crayons, mascara brushes and fixative pens from my make-up bag. And how adorable is he when he has a go at Barbara’s shoes? It’s like a tiny mongoose Vs. two King Cobras, and you just never know who’ll win!(esp. on a staircase)

      I hope Leopold has a quick and full recovery, the tiny darling! I have a bag of these dreadful licorice caramels Barbara Secret Santa’d me in February that are going off, And little Leopold just Leoloves them and doesn’t mind the smell. I wish I was a sick dog recovering from an attempt on my life, really that’s when people are the nicest they will ever be to your face.

      Oh, I meant to say sorry and too bad when I heard about you getting all beat up by those haybale-haired rough ladies who write those Satan dittys you can’t even hear on the radio, and the nasty letters from all their fans wanting to have sex with your butt, even though everyone knows you gave that up as soon as you met old what’s-her-name, your ex-boyfriend, I’m spacing on his name, again, sorry, he’s very loyal (Like DEAR Leopold!) and you met in a rug store or something. Anyway, those Slay-belle groupies, in my opinion, ought to get hair-cuts and jobs before targeting reformed homosexuals in recovery for hot, unwilling times and brutally violent attacks just because you exposed the location of their shirtless shoeless leader’s dead condemned lost soul. They certainly shouldn’t be taking their anger out on a widdle biddle puppa doddy woddy innocent like Leoplod! What Meanies!

      I’m glad you’re going to live, that’s great, and I think maybe you even lost some weight while in traction, maybe, which I’m sure our elevator will appreciate, definitely!(ha,ha). I’m sorry the Government took all your prize Orchids from your desk when they raided our offices last week, they were much nicer than the ones I get at Trader Joes that always die right away, and they would sure look great in somebody’s sunny kitchen instead of some underground CIA bunker getting stomped to death by anonymous rock-and-roll bounty hunters/mercenaries, I think.

  4. Rachel says:

    I see 3 problems here. 1. It’s TIVO. And Oprah was more important to do first than takeing your dog to the vet first. 2. ANYBODY including you could have accidently or purposely could have poisoned the dog. 3. Being gay is a sin! Maybe you should pray for forgiveness for what you are, how you talk and JUDGE other people and the terrible thoughts you have against people. GOD is judge not you sir.

  5. noodles says:

    I do not condone what some sick person has done to your dog, but if you write pages of hate about people who have died, what the hell do you expect?! In a way you are very lucky they didnt burn your house down with you inside it.

  6. Cassidy Pen says:

    Manfred, I feared the worst when you called in to work to take your leave. I’m glad the good Lord brought your beloved Leopold back from the depths. May the perpetrator’s souls burn with fury in hell’s fire.

    I know it’s a sin to wish eternal torment on people but I’ve seen the love you have for your special animal friend and it disgusts me to the bone to think of someone harming him.