Fellow Christians, this last month has been like the trials of Job for your pal, Manfred Peregrine. Since transferring to this fine editorial, National Report, I have received much derision from the hell-bound members of the Left Hand Path. My saintly prose is the purifying Holy Water for America’s Devil-possessed youth. They react accordingly, lashing out with murderous hearts, spewing vitriol and threats and even physical harm. I have faced these obstacles and more, with the secure knowledge that God is by my side, yet the latest of their assaults upon me has taken a devastating toll, leaving me temporarily absent from my staff duties.
Two weeks ago when I came home from the office I was greeted to a ghastly scene straight out of my worst nightmares. My darling, precious Leopold was sprawled in the foyer of my flat. I could feel a deep primordial horror well up within my soul as I beheld the sight of his lifeless little body. I let out a bloodcurdling shriek before hurling my briefcase and belongings across the hallway and scrambling to aid my intrepid little fallen soldier. I cradled his limp, fluffy comatose body in my arms, wailing hysterically. He had blood and vomit caked all over his muzzle… His glamourous cloud-like pelt was soiled with his own feces and urine. As I wailed towards the heavens clutching his befouled carcass I noticed he was still breathing! Overjoyed, I knelt down and wrapped my gob around his trembling puke-soaked snout and began administering CPR. After a few minutes he hacked and gasped before he began breathing on his own again. I realized we weren’t out of the woods yet so I made sure the TEVO was set to record Oprah and rushed Leopold to the nearest 24 hour emergency veterinarian.
By the time I finally reached the clinic, Leopold was in the throes of an intense seizure and was spraying bloody vomit, feces and urine all over the custom leather interior of my company escalade. They took him back and sedated him before beginning the stomach pump. After he was finally stabilized, the head of veterinary diagnostics emerged and informed me that Leopold had somehow managed to ingest a large quantity of rat poison. That’s when I knew my suspicions to be true… Slayer fans did this. No doubt as an attempted sacrifice to Satan… I know that they hate animals, and have songs that promote the torture and killing of them… The entire modus operandi fit so perfectly.
These interchangeable, un-dogmatic creeps continue to threaten my life and slander me relentlessly on multiple forums. Prank phone calls. Numerous death threats. I’ve been assaulted both physically and sexually. My email address has been hacked, my facebook page hijacked, and my home is constantly under watch by pimply faced teens with long, greasy hair and bad posture.
Rumors have also been spread that I had plans to dig up Jeff Hanneman’s corpse and desecrate his grave site. This, of course, is nothing more than the ramblings of drug crazed lunatics. Hopped up on marijuana cigarettes and spray paint fumes. Mindlessly fondling themselves in their cat urine-soaked domiciles while listening to songs with unholy themes such as necrophilia and rape. The “music”, and I use that term loosely, has irradiated their mind with fantastical nonsense. Unfortunately that’s the most that can be expected of their wasted, trailer park demographic.
The police claim they have no leads on the suspects. I’ve spent the past weeks at Leopold’s bedside in an undisclosed Hollywood doggie hospital. Even after teetering on the brink of massive organ failure from being poisoned, he is slowly healing. The doctors say he’s going to make it. I intend to see to his every need until he is back to his former self… I thank the Lord I have Chaz for support as these have been troubling times.