A Sarah Silverman Nightmare
As many of you know, I perform volunteer work for the Stop Masturbation Now [SMN] Ministries. Mostly, I listen and give Christian Faith advice to tormented souls whose lives have been shattered by the bitter pains of bishop bopping or pearl digging.
Many of the former inmates at the SMN compound have attested to my work and given thanks and praise to the Lord for my assistance. I value these acknowledgements and would like to share another account from a young man I’ll call Tom. Names have been changed in this letter and potty language has been cleaned up.
It has been one week since I have been deemed saved and released from SMN custody. With thanks to Jesus, the Stop Masturbation Now Staff has classified me as being free from the devil’s influence over my own hand. With relief, I had returned to my everyday life, mindful of your advice to contact the ministries should the urge to commit the sin of self rape overcome me. This is one of those times.
I had a very provocative sexual dream last night. I probably should not have had black olives on my stuffed crust pizza hut pie. This is a mistake I will not make again.
In my dream, it was after school at around 4:30 PM. My Mother knocked on my door while I was straightening up my room and preparing for varsity tennis practice. It was my neighbor/friend, Wendy and her companion, Cable Television’s Sarah Silverman. They had came over to toke hits of marijuanas from a water pipe.
Wendy took a seat in the chair while Sarah sat down on my bed. I played the new 9″ Nails compacted disc on the stereo while lighting up a scent masking incense stick.
Soon, the drug made us euphoric and giddy as we finished two, then three bowls full of skunky sativa strain herb.
Sarah, biting her lower lip, leaned over and told me that the effects of the pot was making her pleasure patch moist. She asked me if I’d like to f*ck her as she started to gently trace the outline of my penis with her hand. I looked over at Wendy, who had a silly grin on her face with a wandering glazed look in her eyes.
Before I could answer, Sarah took down my zipper and held my stiff bone in her hands. When she bent over to take it in her mouth, a chill sensation went down my spine. She used her saliva to lubricate my pole while I took off my clothes and assist her in undressing.
By this time, my shoulders felt like jelly as my finger worked it’s way between her legs to massage her pleasure mound. I could feel that she was wet enough for intercourse. When I stood up, I felt a slight dizziness watching her sink back into my bed while she spread her legs. At this time, Wendy was now watching us intently.
When I pushed my throbber into her slick tunnel, it poked through easily as a groan of pleasure crossed Sarah’s lips. Her hips shifted to accept the entire length. I f*@#d her with increasing velocity as her groans turned to cries of joy. The bed squeaked and shook with every thrust. I watched as her ample breasts flopped back and forth.
We switched to a dog styled position as Wendy watched, her hand now between her legs, working on her own moistened vagina. Sarah’s legs and hips met my thrusts as I watched her hair swing against her shapely back in unison with our movements. She screamed out her maker’s name as I felt a climatic explosion rip through my loins.
Please, Brother Cassidy, can you provide me the advice I need to avoid a sinful whack relapse?
Your former subject,
It is common to have these kinds of dreams in the first few weeks after your release from the SMN Ministry Compound. As I told you then, you will be tempted by Satan to commit five-knuckled sin against your person-hood. Nocturnal emissions are also common during this trying time.
Be joyful in the fact that you can still be saved. Your self-rape suppression partner should be contacted during this time. Please keep that person’s number next to your phone and immediately seek facilitation when these nightmares occur. I also find that beautiful music helps to soothe the urges of beat-off demons that prowl the earth for susceptible minds. Try playing some classical symphony or Amy Grant Cd’s until the feelings subside.
Should the problem become too large for either of you to handle, you should not hesitate to call the SMN Hotline and report your need for further counseling.
Be well in the grace of Almighty God,
At that point, I dispatched an SMN Spank Patrol Squad to Tom’s home address to collect him and bring him in for further evaluation. Clearly he wasn’t ready for an unchaperoned life free of self rape.