<National Report>A team of Evolutionary Biologists, working with a select panel of religious scholars, representing most all the worlds religions, including Muslims, Hindus and Buddhists, announced today that they have proven that the Bible is not 2,000 years old. The new theory, which is surely to evoke strong rebuke from ‘Creationists’, ‘Intelligent Design’ advocates, and Christians worldwide, concludes that the Bible is in fact millions of years old and the product of millennia of evolutionarily predictable forces. The theory goes on to assert that the Bible is not the word of God, but that new evidence suggests that it is in fact the predictable manifestation of natural forces, scientifically observable here on Earth.
One example pointed to is the story of Noah and the flood. Sedimentary evidence, the theory states, proves that the flood, which has been a source of contention between Christian believers and scientists, did in fact occur, but that it happened no less than one and a half million years ago, and further, that humans did not exist at the time, so the story of an Ark and the animals, ‘two by two’, being saved, is just ‘silly’ and essentially a hoax.
The study goes on to painstakingly refute each book of the Bible, purportedly demonstrating that the individual books of the Bible themselves, contain overwhelming and irrefutable evidence that it could not possibly be the product of an omniscient being, or God, but in fact, a series of natural geological and biological phenomenon, much the same as tides, amphibians and the weather.
“Without the distraction, tangents and roadblocks constructed by superstitious believers, the Bible itself offers to any ‘thinking and reasonable person’, an abundance of incontrovertible evidence that it is not only not the word of God, but that God himself is a product of Evolution,” one biologist announced. “Our study demonstrates, with a high degree of scientific certainty, that the Bible is simply the product of random, but natural selection. Take the Book of Revelation, for instance. Believers in a supernatural being have long proposed that it somehow reveals future occurrences that only an all knowing God could possibly be aware of. The truth though, is that they are merely predictions based on probability, statistical anomalies and calculable aberrations. Aside from this, just as there is an algorithmic likelihood that 100 monkeys given a typewriter each, could have produced the works of Shakespeare, that same likelihood pertains to works such as the Bible. And as far as there being no typewriters millions of years ago, we need only imagine primates using sticks and clay tablets, much the same as their closest cousins, Human Beings.”
One of the study’s biblical scholars added that this new theory, while it in no way takes away the miraculous and imaginative influence the work has had, it at the same time, really underscores the power of fiction and fantasy rather than confirming the existence of the supernatural. “This whole business about there being a God who created the Earth, the heavens and all living things in just 7 days, is a marvelous, even inspiring myth to consider, and like all great works of fiction, it is inspirational, and in many cases, gives us hope. But to take it literally, requires not only quite a leap of faith, but demands that we set aside our ability to reason, and in doing so, clearly reduces the superiority of science and the infinite possibilities inherent in a ‘natural’ world.
The paper concludes by stating that there remains much more work to be done and that further testing will of course need to take place, but for now, the study’s authors urge that the theory be incorporated as soon as possible, into scientific textbooks as well as standardized educational curricula, beginning as early as elementary school. They also suggest that it be taught alongside the theory of Evolution itself, and that what they characterize as the “God myth’, has no place, not only in modern education, but ‘civilized society’ itself.