07252014Headline:

Church of Satan Endorses Obamacare

By Cassidy Pen, TNReport Staff Writer

Untitled2<New York> Satanic High Priest Pete Gilmour (www.churchofsatan.com) has officially endorsed Obamacare as “in keeping with the Mission and teaching of the Satanic Bible as preached by the Church of Satan and the Society of the Cloven Hoof.”

Speaking pridefully of Obamacare in a press conference today at the C.o.S. Offices in Radio City, Mr. Gilmour gave his full endorsement of the Obama Affordable Healthcare Act passed in Congress. “We’re especially pleased that the President had our (the C.o.S.) beliefs in mind when constructing the Socialist Healthcare takeover of a private enterprise.” He added, “Selfishness and coveting thy neighbor’s goods are the foundation of Obamacare. Also, our Father, Satan tells us that ‘thou shalt steal’, so we approve of stealing the profits of a legitimate functioning business to drive it into the cold ground.”

Untitled1With an original blood ink copy of the Satanic Bible compiled by C.o.S. founder Anton LaVey resting at his side, Mr. Gilmour stood at a pentagram adorned lectern as he read from his statement. “Obamacare is such a monstrosity of bureaucratic red tape that it creates confusion with those subjected, convincing them that it is a good thing to have. Deception is another of Satan’s tools. After all, He’s known as the ‘Great Deceiver.’”

untitled4He mentioned that since Obamacare calls for “mandatory death panels, they are in contrast to Christianity’s tenants of helping thy neighbor. Satan is all about the destruction of the human race, and what better way to bring this about than to take over the healthcare system and sentence people to death?”

In closing, Gilmour said, “Obamacare pleases Satan, therefore, we are pleased and support it 100%.” After then cursing those present by sprinkling them with “unholy” water, Gilmour let out a lustful, blood curdling laugh as a burst of smoke filled the room. Upon the smoke clearing, he was gone leaving the journalists’ questions unanswered.

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10 Responses to "Church of Satan Endorses Obamacare"

  1. subee says:

    Satan still has a lease on this earth for a short time and we have his representative sitting in D.C

  2. Jim Evans says:

    Satan has his own place in the White House, and he works in the Oval Office.

    • Cassidy Pen says:

      Many have postulated that Obama is the anti-Christ. I don’t think he’s that smart, myself.

  3. ClearLove says:

    You guys do understand that this is satire, right? LaVey did not endorse any of that stuff and it is merely said to give Satanism and Satanist a bad name.

    Source: I have read Satanic Bible while doing research about Satanism.

  4. L K says:

    Even with a screenshot from “Inside the Church of Satan”, you still couldn’t get Peter GILMORE’s name right the five or so times you mentioned him. No way this can be blamed on faulty “fact” checking.

    All in all, this was a poorly written piece.