10202014Headline:

Chuck Norris Arrested,Then Released, as Ted Nugent Loses Finger In Bizarre “Glory Hole” Attack On July 4

Ted "The Nuge" Nugent, before Chuck Norris was accused of slicing off one of Nugent's fingers in a public restroom gloryhole misunderstanding.

Ted “The Nuge” Nugent, before Chuck Norris was accused of slicing off one of Nugent’s fingers in a public restroom gloryhole misunderstanding.

Galveston, Texas watering hole Bucks Bar is expected to open for business tonight after a temporary closure two days ago as a result of the peculiar 4th of July exchange between two of America’s most beloved icons of masculinity, Ted Nugent and Chuck Norris, that happened inside the men’s room of the bar.  Lawyers from the high profile, outspoken conservative figures have stopped releasing comments or taking questions following a brief flame war of accusations that went on at the scene of Mr. Norris’s alleged arrest, which police are now denying happened, in the downtown entertainment district notorious for it’s wildness, inexpensive liquor and the ‘hands off” approach of the local police.

One of Ted Nugent's many easy-to-find 'albums' at garage sales and thrift stores, where he advocates for youngsters to enjoy a 'clean life'.

One of Ted Nugent’s many easy-to-find ‘albums’ at garage sales and thrift stores, where he advocates for youngsters to enjoy a ‘clean life’.

Texan men worship the actor's ouevre and commitment to healthy living and beating up people he does not agree with.(Scene from Pimping Iron, 1977)

Texan men worship the actor’s ouvre and commitment to healthy living and beating up people he does not agree with.(Scene from Pimping Iron, 1977)

Local residents are enthusiastically describing the exchange between the two men ( both of whom were recognized by bar staff and at least some of the  crowd of twenty-somethings gathered there) as something between a brawl and a fit. Whatever it was, it occurred shortly after  Mr. Norris entered the Men’s bathroom, which he did shortly after Mr. Nugent had excused himself from his group of friends to use the facilities. The mood in the bar was by everyone’s account electric, as even one  such famous person’s presence would have been noteworthy anywhere in Galveston. Sheira Noble, a waitress working that night at the time of the altercation, describes what happened next in front of the astonished patrons, who had been desperately scrambling to find autographable objects for the stars to sign upon their return from the toilet.

Chastity Bono-Cher, 1982

Chastity Bono-Cher, 1982

Ted Nugent briefly dated Chastity "Chaz" Bono-Cher in the 70's

Ted Nugent briefly dated Chastity “Chaz” Bono-Cher in the 70’s

 

According to Ms. Noble, “We all was just desperately looking for stuff, anything, in the bar for them to sign, when Mr. Norris, he come out first, looking super intense the way he’s so famous for…for a second my heart went all, “Oh my Lord, is he going to do all of us a scene?”, I really couldn’t believe it, I exchanged a look with Darla (Evans) and Thommy (Newman), Thommy does the bar here on Tuesdays and weekends, but because it was the 4th Jimmy wasn’t in so Thommy was in and we were all, like, on cloud nine to be drinking with Ted Nugent and Chuck Norris, but Mr. Norris, when he comes out of the bathroom, he just goes straight by us without even slowing down and says to his friends “Come on we’re going”, but right then, before they could even get up, Uncle Ted (Ted Nugent) comes bursting out of the Gents, bellowing, and I think he was grasping his right hand with the other one, chasing after Mr. Norris who just turns around at the door and raises a fist, and says real calm, ‘or what?’, then says the same thing again only real loud and he pulls his fist a little farther back. Me and Thommy was getting our cell phones out when we realized Mr. Nugent’s hand was bleeding like crazy, and he says, using, excuse me, some words I don’t use, ‘Where the bleep is it? Where is it, Man?”, kind of desperate, and Mr. Norris just said “I don’t have it. You ought to go have another look for it.”, real icy, like he does in a picture. Then, all of a sudden there’s all this security in the bar, and police I guess, and they say we’re going to have to close the place and we all get shuffled outside, just like that. I couldn’t even get my purse. We can all hear Mr. Nugent shouting about his finger and dropping a lot of F-bombs, he sounded real furious, then the door closes and we can’t hear nothing else.”

Chaz Bono-Cher, 2007

Chaz Bono-Cher, 2007

Ms. Noble added that her co-worker, Thomas ‘Thommy” Newman, told her “that  Sky (Officer Skylar Bradford, of the Galveston Police Department), after being asked by both them guy’s lawyers to wait outside until his sergeant signaled it was OK to re-enter the building, I guess because Sky’s still pretty new, told him (Mr. Newman), over a smoke, that Mr. Norris had sliced off one of Mr. Nugent’s fingers with a knife after The Nuge had stuck it through a hole by the toilet paper dispenser in the wall of the stall, and not only that but also that this was the third bar that night both men had been in at the same time, first at Stars Beach Club, where Mr. Nugent, who does not drink alcoholic beverages, was having a lemon coke when Mr. Norris arrived, but then almost immediately left,once, you know, once he realized what kind of place it was. And Sky told Thommy how that place doesn’t get busy until way later, which of course Thommy knows,” says Ms. Noble, “then he tells Thommy he follows Mr. Nugent’s car when the ‘Motor City Madman’ starts following the Jeep Mr. Norris was being driven in, all the way over to the Lucky Lounge.  Thommy says Sky called his boss when Mr. Norris peeled out of the parking lot there after about 10 minutes inside that dump. Sorry, it’s true, I won’t go there. My own mother works there, and I refuse to go in.”

Twenty minutes later, the Bucks Bar customers were still waiting in the street to collect their belongings, and at approximately 12:35 AM Friday morning, after several muffled, inaudible but seemingly heated exchanges, representatives of both men emerged, and issued a joint statement claiming “…that a misunderstanding had taken place between Mr. Norris and Mr. Nugent, and that neither had been harmed in any way by what was to be referred to going forward as an embarrassing prank, one that got out of hand, and that furthermore, both gentlemen, who have had to leave, out the back way, to catch flights to Hollywood, regret any disturbances that may have occurred as a result of their actions, and that drinks were “on the house” for the rest of the night, an announcement greeted with much enthusiasm by the now chilly crowd of patrons eager to return to the bar. Mr. Nugent’s lawyer, Creighton Anderson, spoke up at that point, reiterating pointedly that “Mr. Nugent had in no way damaged or had any damage done to any of his fingers, and that Mr. Norris, for his part, was happy to have been on hand to help out Mr. Nugent and show him the brand of Southern Hospitality that any friend in need would get in the great state of Texas.”

The Galveston P.D. insists no charges were ever filed and no arrests were made and could verify only that a call was made about a disturbance at 11:18 PM on Thursday at Bucks Bar, and that officers responding found the situation unremarkable and under control, and expressed their hopes that Mr. Nugent and Mr. Norris will both return to the City of Storms as welcome guests any time they so desire.

Like many of the bars in Galveston, Bucks Bar serves a mixed clientele in the rowdy district that runs along the expansive moonlit waterfront, with live bands, occasionally, on the weekends.  And like most Galveston hot spots, the crowds thin of women after midnight and become increasingly filled with blue collar workers and homosexuals, runaways and Drag Queens. In many of these establishments, the toilet paper dispenser can be lifted off its mount to reveal a hole just below waist level through which strangers may fornicate each other with absolute anonymity. In some bathrooms the stall closest to the urinal will have a fist-sized hole just punched right through the thin partition, from which the notorious sexual act “The Galveston Porthole” derives its name.

Chuck Norris, trying to get a moments peace away from Ted Nugent  on Independence Day when they were both in Galveston, Texas last Thursday.

Chuck Norris, trying to get a moments peace away from Ted Nugent on Independence Day when they were both in Galveston, Texas last Thursday.

Staff at The National Report have been unable to reach either Mr. Newman or Officer Bradford following the night of the event, as both men had apparently left on their respective vacations that night. Our investigators would like very much to make contact with both men regarding this developing story, which may not be quite as resolved as was thought when their shifts ended in the early hours of Friday morning.

No statement or response to requests for further information have been forthcoming from from Mr. Norris, Mr, Nugent or their respective representatives.

Ted Nugent, born in 1948, is a front man for a musical act he started in high school, before dropping out, and is well known in the world of rock and roll, hair colleges and right wing politics, where he is noted for his unapologetic libertarianism and conservative values. Over the course of his clean-edged lifetime he has had two wives, and still has eight living children from two liaisons almost 30 years apart, including five that were born out of wedlock. Before getting married for the first time in the late 60′s, Mr. Nugent fathered a boy, who he, or someone, called Ted (Mann) and a girl (?), whom he gave up for adoption after each was born. For some reason, this was not public knowledge until 2010, which is when the boy, who was adopted separately after the siblings were removed from each other’s lives, learned the identity of his birth father from the daughter’s search to find him and their long gone father.

In 2005 Nugent got in trouble for not paying enough child support for an out of wedlock child turning ten in 1995. He was married to his first wife, Sandra Jezowski, from 1970 to 1979. They had two children, son Theodore Tobias “Toby” Nugent and daughter Sasha Nugent. Sandra died in a car crash in 1982.In 1978, before his wife’s death, Nugent began a relationship with a seventeen-year-old, a Hawaiian girl so many years his junior their wedding was forbidden, but which her parents and Mr. Nugent signed legal guardianship transfer papers to get around. His second marriage, to Shemane Deziel, a radio staffer he met after an interview, produced another child, a boy they named Rocco Winchester Nugent.

Chuck Norris as seaman Rover Flatbush in 1978's Navy Blues

Chuck Norris as seaman Rover Flatbush in 1978’s Navy Blues

Chuck Norris has played tough guys throughout his decades-long acting career, cultivating a seething machismo typical of the stereotypes from vintage gay pornography, and was actually so poor in many of his early acting jobs that he often performed shirtless.  Texans adore him as one of their own, celebrating the tender, graceful decorum with which he gently woos his on-screen ladies, while idolizing the simmering, explosive fury of his murderous rage that he ceaselessly releases upon his pathetic simpering cinematic foes…when not brooding on some sad orphan’s tale that substitutes for plot in any of his many, unmemorable vehicles.

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4 Responses to "Chuck Norris Arrested,Then Released, as Ted Nugent Loses Finger In Bizarre “Glory Hole” Attack On July 4"

  1. Sid Garcia says:

    Okay, so one or both of these men originate from Brokeback Mountain. What’s the surprise? there have been rumors about Norris for many, many years. Didn’t know Nugent was held out his pinky finger though. I hope that wasn’t the finger that was bitten off(allegedly) by Norris.

    • Lillian Fabricant Lillian Fabricant says:

      Actually, the finger was sliced off by a bowie knife, according to the bar’s nellie janitor who was hiding in a nearby stall, terrified, and still afraid to speak on record because he knows Chuck Norris can identify him because they looked at each other through a hole when Norris first entered the mensroom and did a thorough stall check. My source, who claims the only thing Norriss said to him was “Hey there blue…” before Mr. Nugent began tapping loudly from inside the Galveston Porthole stall, does in fact wear blue contact lenses and cannot afford to switch to a new color and come forward for fear of his life.

  2. Steve says:

    Hilarious fiction. Wish it was true.

    • Lillian Fabricant Lillian Fabricant says:

      Everyone who witnessed the bizarre exchanges taking place was quite forthcoming about their experiences that night, except for the Galveston P.D., who were less than helpful. On top of that, they have very dirty bathrooms and very fresh lieutenants.