10252014Headline:

Christian Anti-Masturbation Group Sues Other Christian Anti-Masturbation Group For $350 Million Claiming Trademark Infringement

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin speaking to students

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin seen here at Westview Elementary School in Apple Valley, Minnesota while on his 31-city nationwide anti-masturbation school tour. (AP Photo/Dennis System, File) / AP

Creve Coeur, MO — A federally funded Christian anti-masturbation organization claims that another federally funded Christian anti-masturbation organization has violated their intellectual property and is now suing for millions.

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin and their parent organization Stop Masturbation Now have accused Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Shark of using the same name of their famous dolphin mascot, ‘Fappy’. According to the suit, they believe that using the name “causes a likelihood of confusion”.

The group recently made headlines for ironic reasons. In June the dolphin’s mascot, 35-year-old Paul Horner, made national news after his arrest for public masturbation. Weeks later Horner was pardoned by Arizona Governor Jan Brewer of all charges.

Lonnie Childs who is president and founder of Stop Masturbation Now spoke to CNN about the ‘Fappy’ lawsuit. “It’s a shame it has to come to this. Litigation is almost as ugly as masturbation itself! The Fappy method of masturbation prevention is the only one that the STOP Masturbation NOW ministries endorses. Just as we protect souls from masturbation, we must also protect our intellectual property! Thanks to your tax dollars, God willing, our federally funded organization will be able to win in court. Though, we will both be praying to the same God on this one, and we’re both federally funded with your tax dollars, so it’s gonna be close. I have activated my prayer app and I ask each and every one of you to keep Fappy in your prayers until this incident is resolved. Praise!”

Details of the $350 million lawsuit are not entirely clear yet. On the group’s Facebook page this afternoon, news was posted of the suit.

Faithful Fappy followers! I would like to inform you of some important news before the lamestream media and Big Masturbation get a chance to spread their lies about what is really going on. As you may or may not know there is currently another Christian anti-masturbation organization who goes around the country educating children about the dangers of masturbation. This would be a good thing, except they are using our trademarked name “Fappy” in everything they do. They steal our content and Facebook postings. This is unacceptable!

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin and STOP Masturbation NOW will be suing Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Shark for $350 million because they violated trademark laws. It will be a tough battle, but a battle we are sure to win. Please keep Fappy in your prayers. Praise Fappy!

Aaron Hopkins-Johnson, a spokesman for Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Shark, said the lawsuit is ridiculous. “We have 10,000 followers on Facebook for a reason. It’s because we’re the best, anti-masturbation group. That dolphin will soon learn what happens when they battle a shark in open water, it’s gonna get ugly. I pray to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ to pick the better anti-masturbation mascot.”

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin and Stop Masturbation Now are federally funded programs designed to teach both children and adults about the dangers and consequences of masturbation. For more information or if you would like the group to visit your child’s school call (785) 273-0325.

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20 Responses to "Christian Anti-Masturbation Group Sues Other Christian Anti-Masturbation Group For $350 Million Claiming Trademark Infringement"

  1. Jamie Wise says:

    I’m rooting for Fappy

  2. Donalad R. says:

    How are these organizations federally funded? WTF!!

  3. George G says:

    Goddamn, how many fucking Christian anti masturbation groups are there?

  4. Andrew says:

    What a bunch of wnakers

  5. Fappy the Whale says:

    I was hired to keep fat kids from jack**g off.

  6. Katherine says:

    Fapp, fappy, fapping all mean masturbating. Haha you named your anti masturbation mascot literally masturbate. Thumbs up.

  7. Lotte says:

    A Dolphin? Do they realize that dolphins are a species that masturbate? Dolphins are way more naughty than most humans, they are into group rape, homosexual encounters, masturbation in any hole they can find, amongst all mammals probably dolphins are the worst example they could have chosen :-)

  8. Baron Von D. says:

    You could say they were rubbed the wrong way….

    YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

  9. gurina psait says:

    This is the stupidest thing ever!!

  10. Jeff T says:

    I’m glad to see our tax dollars hard at work, thanks Fappy!

  11. Heisenberg says:

    I heard dolphins jack off underwater with clams.

  12. The Pensioner says:

    Dang nabbit, you young people have ruined j@cking off with your internet porn, your phone sex, and your changing the name, its called j@cking off for a reason, when you get to old you can’t call it fapping…

  13. deb says:

    Yes, the ‘husky’ kids need Fappy the whale (see above) He really makes the most sense, after all! With that blow hole of his…he must go a gusher! And after all remember the old joke…what comes in quarts? Whales!!

    Just gotta say, thanks guys, I really did laugh out loud, this time!

    Tax dollars as well spent as Fappy must be after a demo of what NOT to do…

  14. NobodobodoN says:

    Typical Democrats!

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