(National Report) – Introverts the world over suffer in silence. Maybe not in complete silence, the muffled clicking of their keyboards, turning of text pages and pencil scritching could be classified as noise, one supposes. Many agree these poor souls are suffering because they aren’t extroverts.
What is an Introvert?
Understanding the introvert can be difficult and time consuming. The best way to study the introvert is just to compare them to better personality traits.
Extroverts are like sunshine. They beam warmth and light, energizing those around them, making flowers blossom and touching all with a twinkling golden shower of affection. Introverts are a cloudy day, with occasional drizzle, just damp enough to realize they exist.
Introverts make up a minority in the overall extroverted population, yet are a majority in the highly intelligent sector of the population. This is true most likely because introverts just naturally form smaller groups rather than a general statement on introverted intelligence. Introverts will never drift toward a large crowd if a smaller group is available.
Introverts will report emotive states like happiness and contentment, usually to avoid joining a crowd, but rarely are these conditions observed in the wild. In science, people that say one thing and do something else are classified as liars or truth evasive scoundrels.
Truth evasion is one way introverts try to stay away from the many extroverts that make their way to Heaven. While Introverts deserve at least a chance for a happy afterlife, they are steadfast in clinging to their solitude, even if their lives here on earth are miserable and lonesome.
When human beings reject the divinity of Heaven for selfish reasons like “alone time”, it is a mortal sin according to many theologians.
Normal extroverts can help the abnormal introvert prepare for the club like atmosphere of Heaven. Heaven is filled with a lot of group singing, line dancing, praise and other heavily participatory activities. Introverts will be doomed to a fiery eternity if they can’t get it together and start joining in.
Reaching out to the introvert is difficult, even for the most outgoing extrovert. The challenge is meeting the introvert over familiar interests.
Introverts gravitate to loneliness and despair the way armadillos gravitate to the smell of asphalt, sometimes with the same stiff legged, bloated bellied results. The intelligent introvert’s attention is piqued by morbid topics like foreign language science fiction cartoon books, nonsensical poetry and actuarial accounting. Others are accused of crimes and appear on most wanted lists.
Many introverts are chronic masturbators and deviates. It is estimated that 84% of the anal sexual toy industry is supported by introverts.
The habitat of the introvert is usually dark and dimly lit. Introvert homes reflect infrequent visitors. Evidence of decay and poor housekeeping are common, since normal mores for hygiene and social etiquette are not topics of interest.
Introverts are a vulnerable minority, but do they really need saved?
Ask any introvert if they need to be eternally cured of their socially repressive malady and they will most likely stare blankly or answer with a blunt “no”, if they are feeling hospitable. Most introverts will respond in this manner because they truly believe others will listen and then leave them alone.
It is sweet the way introverts never seem to understand the extrovert’s need to cure an aversion to unwanted company. Some introverts will resort to stomping their little feet and shouting profanity, an outward sign of an immature emotive intelligence. Introverts also do not grasp the danger posed to their immortal soul for the continued transgressions of their selfish lifestyle.
Some may argue the introvert is soulless, citing the lack of human interaction and propensity for anger, self-stimulation and violence when prompted to join in. Others imagine they have a soul to be saved, somewhere deep within the recesses of the clam shell surface.
Introverts should be saved because it once again shows how extroverts are deserving of good things here on earth and just rewards in Heaven. The concept of Heaven is solely based on joining friends and loved ones in the afterlife. Bringing the lost introverts into the fold now assures a place at Heaven’s table later, for the extroverts.