06252017Headline:

Bristol Palin Diagnosed with Chronic DTF

Photo by Gage Skidmore via Flickr Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 2.0 Generic (CC BY-SA 2.0)

Photo by Gage Skidmore via Flickr Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 2.0 Generic (CC BY-SA 2.0)

Wasilla, AK – According to several independent Alaskan media outlets, Bristol Palin has allegedly been diagnosed with chronic DTF. This crushing news comes just one month after giving birth to her second out-of-wedlock child, the beautiful and healthy baby girl, Sailor Grace.

Bristol, the 25-year-old daughter of conservative superstar Sarah Palin, is said to be in a state of shock and deep reflection following the diagnosis. Sources close to the Palin family say this latest test of faith has only helped bring the family closer together.

The Palin’s have had a rough start to the new year. Sarah’s son Track Palin was recently charged with fourth-degree assault, interfering with the report of a domestic violence crime, and possession of a firearm while intoxicated. All charges are Class A misdemeanors. Track allegedly struck his girlfriend and threatened suicide during a drunken rage.

And if all that weren’t enough, Mama Grizzly herself was just days ago diagnosed with STFU, a rather common condition caused by inflated ego and poor diet.

Bristol’s chronic DTF diagnosis could stem from her insatiable appetite for wild, unprotected sex, or it could simply be a reaction to being part of a dysfunctional family. Whatever the case, treatment options are readily available, and in most cases, a complete recovery can be expected.

All of these hardships and health scares can ultimately be traced back to one man, The President of the United States, Barack Hussein Obama. If this Kenyan Muslim dictator had never been elected president in the first place, it’s very likely none of this would have happened.

What’s next for the Alaskardashians? Nobody knows for sure, but it can only get better from here.

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14 Responses to "Bristol Palin Diagnosed with Chronic DTF"

  1. lillian fabricant lillian fabricant says:

    Alaska is a state of only 700,000 people, many of whom are actually just Inuits, so these kinds of genetic damages and sexual disorders tend to pile up on and in the most wind resistant, i.e. attractive, of the Klondoink State’s tough citizens. Especially within families that have employed members, or central heating.

    Like her glamour-pus in boots Momma, Sarah Palin, Bristol, bored and uninterested in her newborn, can likely trace her lack of interest outside the symptomatic cravings associated with chronic DTF to other syndromes as well, like Post-Pablum Depression, which seems to characterize the whole clan, and possibly IGLOOF, which is a peculiar, understudied and half-assed form of Melancholia, one that overwhelmingly effects White women, whom it typically causes to put on hyperbolic airs, seek attention, but then have nothing to say, or the inability to express themselves coherently without disdain towards the individuals who do pay attention to them.

    Scientific researchers believe IGLOOF may be a particularly isolating form of Seasonal Associative Disorder, commonly referred to as SAD, but one that strikes hardest not at the isolated individual, but rather affects people in crowded public areas and rest stops, and other camera-filled places, especially if the crowded places are crowded with moose ticks (sp. Yukonarachnaeae Juneauiaei).

    If you scratch an old-timey frontier-straddlin’ snowbilly anywhere in Alaska for the traditional cure for mental ailments, they all point with their greasy gloves, redolent of rendered blubber or fish slurry, to some nearby scary cabin for the skinny on the local lore from the “Haganada”, which translates as “roughly Midwives”. Bang on the window long enough while lumbering locals exchanging hushed whispers and chortles draw ever nearer, and soon enough the occupants inevitably finally appear. These wise old, jolly old ugly old and hairy old eskimo women bark enthusiastically, like harbor seals, for hours it seems, that the best remedy to cure a case of bad IGLOOFS is a good old can of good old Campbell’s good and old Cariboulphabet Soup, opened and poured out onto the snow near a SAD drunk sleeping it off, or on their doorstep if everyone is inside, fighting. Bristol’s chronic DTF is probably the yeast of her woirries.

  2. Lee says:

    Your obviously a complete liberal moron. And your not funny either.

  3. Doug says:

    *laff*

    The whole Palin Family needs to be retroactively sterilized. They are a boil upon the ass of humanity.

  4. Rebecca Kleitz says:

    What the hell is DTF?

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